Jokes Thread

[Soham]

OYI ! THIS IS A F'ING JOKES THREAD ! Don't post "puky" material !

 

[Soham]

HOW JEWS GOT TEN COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, " What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"

God said, " For example ............ . Thou shall not kill."

The Arabs were shocked, "What? Not kill? No way! Killing and massacaring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence.. No, we are not interested. "

So God went to the Africans and said, " I have Commandments. "

The Africans wanted an example.

God said, "For example ........... Honor thy Father and Mother."

The Africans were dismayed. They said, " Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!"

So God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Mexicans wanted an example.

God said, " For example ........... Thou shall not steal."

The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said, " No steal? No steal?? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no! "

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

The French wanted an example.

God said, "For example ............ . Thou shall not commit adultery."

The French were stunned. They said, "What? Not commit ze adultery ....... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonnez nous. We, ze French, must have ze romance. "

So God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Jews asked, "Commandments? How much do they cost?"

God replied, "Nothing. They are free."

The Jews answered, "Good. We shall take Ten! "

Talk about being politically incorrect.

 

[Daredevil]

Why the English wore RedCoats ?

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an

English Colonel.

They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally as an afterthought, the french general asked, " Why do you English Officers all

wear Red Coats? Don't you know that the red material makes you easier targets for us to

shoot at?".

In his bland english way, the Colonel informed the Genaral that the reason English officers

wear Red coats is that, if they are shot, the blood wont show and the men they are leading

won't panic.....

 

[Daredevil]

Marriage:

According to famous people

David Bissonette: "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

Sacha Guitry: "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

Socrates: "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Anonymous: "Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

Dumas: "The great question... which I have not been able to answer.... is, "What does a woman want?""

Sigmund Freud: "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."

Anonymous: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison: "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran: "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up."

Nash: "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..."

Anonymous: "You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

Henny Youngman: "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield: "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."

Anonymous:
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

[Daredevil]

Indian Student


It was the first day of a school USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said. "Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class,
"Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "****** the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says,"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
" Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted.And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're ******!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."

 

[Daredevil]

Long live Bachelors


I don't worry about terrorism.
I am married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I asked my wife,
"Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...
at least he'll shut up after u let him in!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly parted mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then
smiled "It really works ! "

 

[Daredevil]

Top 20 jargon-filled job titles:

1. Beverage Dissemination Officer - Barman

2. Colour Distribution Technician - Painter and Decorator

3. Customer Experience Enhancement Consultant - Shop Assistant

4. Domestic Technician - Housewife

5. Education Centre Nourishment Consultant - Dinner Lady

6. Highway Environmental Hygienist - Road Sweeper

7. Field Nourishment Consultant - Waitress

8. Five a Day Collection Operative - Fruit Picker

9. Front Line Customer Support Facilitator - Call Centre Worker

10. Gastronomical Hygiene Technician - Dish Washer

11. Mass Production Engineer - Factory Worker

12. Media Distribution Officer - Paper Boy

13. Mobile Sustenance Facilitator - Burger Van Worker

14. Mortar Logistics Engineer - Labourer

15. Petroleum Transfer Engineer - Petrol Station Assistant

16. Recycling Operative - Bin Man

17. Sanitation Consultant - Toilet Cleaner

18. Coin Facilitation Engineer - Toll Booth Collector

19. Transparency Enhancement Facilitator - Window Cleaner

20. Vehicle Restoration Engineer - Panel Beater (ANI)

 

[Daredevil]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegalla to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
The German replies angrily "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence! !!"
"Sorry" responds! the Italian, "He canta comea ... He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

[Daredevil]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay
in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was
concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as
you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for
"Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about
the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the
letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
" Wayside Chapel " (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a
beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees,
surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is
open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the
summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in
the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my
daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.
It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in
different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make
a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just
in time. I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as
there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even
the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We
are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it
is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating
you in a place where you can be seen by all.

 

[Daredevil]

Italian goes to malta

One day an Italian Man went to a restaurant in Malta and wanted two pieces of toast, and the waiter gives him one, and the Italian man says "I want two piece"

The waiter said "go to the toilet" The Man says "You no understand I want two piece on my plate" then the waiter says "You better not pee on the plate you son of a bitch!"

The man says "I did not even know her and she calls me a Son of a Beach?"

Then he goes to a bigger restaurant and finds himself with a spoon and a knife but no fork, he says "I want a fock" the waiter says "Everybody wants to f*ck" and he says "You no understand I want to fock on the table" and the waiter says

"You better not f**k on the table you son of a bitch!"

Then later he goes to a hotel and in bed he doesn't have a sheet "Call the manager im telle him i wanna sheet!" says the Italian man, then the other guy says "Go to the toliet" and the Italian man say "You no understand I wanna sheet in my bed!"

The other guy says you better not sh*t in the bed you son of a b!tch!" and the Italian man goes to the check out corner and the check out says "Peace on you" and the Italian man says "PEE ON YOU TOO, YOU SON OF A BEACH! I'M GOING BACK TO ITALY!"

 

[Daredevil]

Know your Customer

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster- Aman lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied "I also didn't realize that Arabs go from right to left"

 

[Sridhar]

3 Newly Married Daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because
Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would
get started, she made them all
promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after
the wedding.

The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

Nescafe Rich Blend Coffee, 475g It said: "Good till
the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"



Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the pack:

"Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy
for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in
Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another
week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with
shaky handwriting were the
words "Air Pacific"

Mom took out her latest Fiji Living magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for AP.
The ad said:

"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


Mom fainted!.
​

​

 

[Sridhar]

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crore ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on an average?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"About 1 litre."

So.... How much u have planned to give????

Beware that your subordinates don't have a collection for u!!!.......

 

[Sridhar]

Sardar Strikes Again.............

Doctor to patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A good doctor.

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
U know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Sardar built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y?
When asked him, he said,
"Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister...


Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Sardar: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Teacher: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE .

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied:
"I Mr YOU" !!.

Sardar: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Sardar: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Sardar: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Sardar: We lost the duplicate key!!

Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road???
Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office....


After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice.
He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears with a Torch & Finally Said:
"Oye, Torch is okay"

 

[Sabir]

what's the diference between a fly and mosquito?
Sardar: A fly can fly but a mosquito cant mosquito

A sardar holding a piece of ice in his hand and looking at it from different angel very carefully.
I asked," what happen Sardarji"
Sardar," Dekh raha hoon baraf ka yeh pani kidhar se leak ho raha hai,"

 

[Mohan]

There is a popular story saying that wherever you go, you will find atleast a Rajinikanth fan

Here is an interesting new story...!

Rajinikanth was bragging to Jayalalitha one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, Jayalalitha called his bluff, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it" Rajini said.

So Rajini and Jayalalitha fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts "Thalaiva! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!". Although impressed, Jayalalitha is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, she tells Rajini that she thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says. "President Bush", Jayalalitha quickly retorts. "Yes", Rajini says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying, "Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up". Well, Jayalalitha is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, she expresses his doubts to Rajini who again implores her to name anyone else. "The Pope", Jayalalitha replies. "Sure!" says Rajini, "My folks are from Poland and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome.

Rajini and Jayalalitha are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Jayalalitha had a Heart Attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to Jayalalitha's side, Rajini asks her, "What happened?"

Jayalalitha looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

 

[Mohan]

you want to know who is Rajanikanth....here are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

*******

 

[mig-29]

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.

Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck," The Green Beret shot him.

 

[mig-29]

A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of crap, and he yelled back: 'George Bush is a miserable piece of crap."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

 

[mig-29]

It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and inviteshim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

" DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"