Jokes Thread

[mig-29]

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.


The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Navy T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

 

[mig-29]

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[mig-29]

GUIDE NOTE: In the Spring of 2001, a Navy EP-3 Intelligence Aircraft made an emergency landing on an airfield in China.

To: George W. Bush
From: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice

Sir: Team of five experts from "Lockheed Martin" (i.e., three Lockheed Martin, two CIA), arrived Hainan Island to inspect EP-3E surveillance plane. Team managed to recover cockpit voice recorder (CVR) intact. Miracle Chinese did not find as CVR in clear sight on pilot's seat. Team played CVR. Authentic? Crew voices sound odd; possible stress related. Also mention of New York Yankees. Conclusion: authentic. Transcript follows. Safe to say we now have big problem.

Transcript of Cockpit Voice Recorder aboard EP-3E surveillance plane. Voices of pilot, Lt. Shane Osborn; co-pilot, Lt. Patrick Honeck; co-pilot, Lt. Jeffery Vignery:

OSBORN: Co-pilot Honeck, please to state where are we.

HONECK: Sir, we are fly over South China Sea.

OSBORN: Ah! So we are in violation clearly of sovereign Chinese airspace! Good for our hegemonist purposes!

VIGNERY: Go New York Yankees!

OSBORN: I will bring our illegal flight closer even much to the righteous land of People's Republic! Look you all now. I think I can see the humble domicile residence of the honorable servant of the people Jiang Zemin! We despise him for his goodness!

HONECK: Tell us, my American captain of U.S. EP-3E spy plane travelling in purposeful illegality, is it still of our secret plans to kill the noble protector of China Jiang Zemin and to show disrespect also to all righteous veterans of the People's Glorious Revolution?

OSBORN: Yes of course! We are committed to be dastardly always!

VIGNERY: Go Michael Jordan of Chicago Lakers basketball team!

HONECK: But Wang Zhi Zhi of Dallas team is much superior we concede!

VIGNERY: Yes he will break in all ways all records held by inferior American players of his sport who have not to cringe in terror ever before superior Chinese competitor of great stature Wang Zhi Zhi!

OSBORN: Holding down that chatter you members of sinister crew! See how we are foiled in our evil purposes! It arrives the magnificent and courageous Air Force of the People's Republic of China come to rain on our vile parading!

HONECK: Damn their meddling valiant ways!

VIGNERY: Now are we foiled in our plot to set up offensive-minded missile defense shield for our masters in Taiwan, which is in truth part of China as we know!

HONECK: Go military-industrial complex!

OSBORN: My news is the worse for us yet, crew of foul evildoers. This pilot of this plane pursues us with such skill and vigorousness of purpose and has no intention of performing in a hot-dogging or dangerous manner and so could not possibly make error of which we will wrongly accuse him.

VIGNERY: What shall we do?

OSBORN: I am committed to fly in calculated reckless way into his path!

HONECK: Yes! We must showing reckless disregard for all in our quest take over world domination!

VIGNERY: Go Corporation of Microsoft!

OSBORN: It is done! I have destroyed the faultless aircraft of People's Republic of China and am a hegemonist hero!

HONECK: But damn the torpedoes! See how our cowardly deed has undone us! In our behaving recklessness our plane in clear violation of sovereign Chinese territory is damaged and falling from sky!

VIGNERY: If only our low of quality aircraft were strong and true as those made by the tireless workers of People's Republic of China!

OSBORN: Stop your chatterings! Now move in quick way! Destroy all records of our crimes against citizens of Chinese nation and marvelous leader Jiang Zemin!

HONECK: Also we must have plan for lying to humane and caring interrogators of extraordinary Chinese Army whom all nations should be in fear.

CREW: Yes, we must lie like Imperialist capitalist dogs! It is our nature!

OSBORN: I concur. But let us too hide the voice recorder of the cockpit so none will ever know of our criminal actions taken by us the real crew of the American illegal spying plane of which we are truly the real crew.

HONECK: Yes, this voice recorder of the cockpit is very honest and not a forgery. I the real co-pilot who is Honeck lieutenant will do this hiding now! May the world never know who is in clearly at fault guilty United States!

 

[mig-29]

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"

 

[mig-29]

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SH*T, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you can stand.

 

[mig-29]

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

 

[mig-29]

Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."

Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl..."

Two weeks later came yet another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..."

 

[mig-29]

A telphone repair man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone repair man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

 

[mig-29]

A young Army private pulled up to the main gate of the Army post. The MP noticed that his windshield was busted and that the car's bumper was covered with blood, leaves, and twigs.

Concerned, he asked, "What happened?"

"I was in an accident ... I ran over a First Sergeant,"
the private replied.

"Well, that explains the broken windshield and blood
on the grill, but what's with the twigs and leaves?"

"I had to chase him all through the park!"

 

[mig-29]

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of an European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

 

[Sabir]

Why Sardarji doesn't buy Arrow shirt?
Because he goes to the showroom...sees the arrow sign on board...and then goes to the next shop.

 

[Sabir]

A train has arrived at the station.

Some passengers started jumping down on the platform even before the train stops......they are from Mumbai

Some passengers get down slowly and safely after all passengers......they are gujrati

Some passengers checked under all seats and scan through out the compartment for things leftout by passengers before getting down......they are Marwari..

(Plz dont take seriously)

 

[Sabir]

You are in a race with a tortoise...You can run ten times faster than the tortoise...so you give it a lead of 100 mtr. Now tell me whether you can ever catch up with the tortoise....
..............
...............

If your answer is yes, think care fully....You have given it a lead of 100mtr...when you covers this 100 mtr,it will move farther 10mtr(his speed is 1/10th of your speed). Now when you covers this 10 mtr, the tortoise will move 1 mtr by the time...Right!..now you covers this 1mtr...tortoise will move 1/10 mtr by the time...you moves 1/10mtr, it wl move 1/100mtr by the time................and so on

tell me how you will catch up with him

 

[Vinod2070]

It a Geometric progression with r<1. The sum of these GPs is always finite and so you will be able to overtake the kachhua (tortoise).

 

[IBRIS]

YouTube - chop som bong

 

[Sabir]

It a Geometric progression with r<1. The sum of these GPs is always finite and so you will be able to overtake the kachhua (crocodile).

 

[Vinod2070]

^^ Thx. I corrected that.

 

[Sabir]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydCJ-91ujYQ&feature=related

 

[Sabir]

YouTube - Tiger Attack

 

[Sabir]

Notice in front of a temple : " If you are tired of sins , come here"

someone has written on the next door with lipstick : " IF NOT, COME HERE - MISS LILI "