Jokes Thread

[Daredevil]

The Train Compartment

There were four people sitting in a train compartment: an old lady who was knitting, a young woman who was reading a book, a lecturer who was talking about his research, and his young student whom he was taking to a conference, and who was listening to his lecturer and taking down notes.
This situation continued for quite a while. The old lady knitting, the young woman reading, the lecturer talking away, and the student listening.
Then the train went into a tunnel, and the compartment was plunged into darkness. No-one could see anything. Suddenly there came the sound of a loud kiss, followed by a hearty slap. As the train came out of the tunnel, eveyone was in the same position as they had been before.
Now the old lady thought that she knew what had happened. Good for her, she thought, that young man has just kissed the girl, and she slapped him.
The young woman thought that she knew what had happened. How funny, she thought, the young man tried to kiss me, kissed the old woman by mistake, and she gave him a slap.
The lecturer thought that he knew what had happened. It's not fair, he thought, my student kissed that girl, and she slapped me by mistake.
But only the student really knew what had gone on. Under the cover of the darkness, he had loudly kissed the back of his hand, then slapped his lecturer and got away with it.

 

[Daredevil]

The Mathematicians

Three mathematicians were walking down to the railway station one day, deep in conversation about mathematics. They were so absorbed in what they were talking about that as they approached the station, they failed to hear the announcement that the train was about to leave.
However they did notice when the train started to pull away from the platform. Alarmed, they started to run after the train, and eventually two of them managed to scramble on board.
A station porter noticed the remaining man looking glum. "Never mind", he said, "Two out of three isn't bad."
"But you don't understand," replied the mathematician, "they only came to see me off."

 

[Daredevil]

A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: " A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

 

[Daredevil]

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the

room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30

or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well;

he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home

and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are

from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the

alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some

made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening,

Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly,

explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical

Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his

grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad,

they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from

Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

 

[Daredevil]

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain."


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A
man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the
entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have
to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been
used."

 

[Daredevil]

"Buying the Farm"

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to
a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line
the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. "Those hives are
pretty close to the road", he said.
The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and
have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the
sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree,
naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the
farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay
the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied
the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer
saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no, the farmer
thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!
"As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked
where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay, "gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you
double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a
mother?"

 

[Daredevil]

"The Gift"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

 

[Daredevil]

A Visit To The Doctor"

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's
office. The doctor asked them, "What can I do
for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the
couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
And he charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have intercourse,
pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Please explain, just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She is married, and we can't go to her house.
I am married, and we can't go to my house. The
Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and The Hilton Hotel
charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00, and I get
$18.00 back from the insurance company for a visit
to the doctor's office.

 

[Daredevil]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's
house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and
proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of
my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We
all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big
posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took
her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything
ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a
few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got
lost once."

 

[Daredevil]

Blonde Joke

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

 

[Daredevil]

Blonde Joke

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

 

[Daredevil]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the dude reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. Hell,
we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

 

[Daredevil]

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"

 

[Daredevil]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own
relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends
kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they
were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does
that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who
introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town.
She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to
kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid
of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of
me has begun to get stiff!!"

 

[Daredevil]

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. "There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence", she said, "and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.

Johnny thinks a second and says "none".

The Teacher asked him how he figured that. "Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away".

The teacher said "That's not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking".

Then Johnny says "Now can I ask you one?".

The teacher said okay. Johnny says "There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.

The teacher says, "Why, the one that's licking it" to which Johnny answered "Wrong. It's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking..."

 

[Daredevil]

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.

He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was.

His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

 

[1.44]

"Buying the Farm"
"No, no, I'm okay, "gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you
double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a
mother?"

Lol i had tears coming outta my eyes

 

[Daredevil]

The Top 10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Penis

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

 

[1.44]

^^ Loool man
Hahahaha

 

[Daredevil]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby



To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife