Jokes Thread

[tharikiran]

NAM summit MMS and Gilani meet...transcripts

No offence intended.

Sardar manwoman Sing (SMS): sahib!milkar khushi hui...YRG: Mujhe bhi.
SMS:apke liye India se tohfa laya.
YRG: shukriya.kya hai?
SMS :Bullet Proof Vest
YRG Par yeh kyon
SMS:Taki aap par koi Terrorist attack kare to aap zakhmi na ho
YRG :Shukriya. Umeed hai yeh woh Vest nahi hai jo Karkare ne 26/11 ko pahna. Goliyan uske aar paar chali gayi.
SMS:nahi. Police desi 2nd hand use karte hain. Yeh Italian design Bullet Proof Vest hai, Gucci brand. Jo hum pahante hain. 100% bullet proof. shoe proof bhi hai.
YRG:Main bhi apke liye tohfa lane wala tha. Par..
SMS: Par kya
YRG:- Obama ne jo funds bheje woh abhi pahunche nahi hai. Is liye paise ki kami se nahi kharida tohfa.
SMS:koi baat nahi. Ab kaam ki baat.
YRG: Zaroor
SMS: Hum chahte hain ki Pak Kashmir mein terorist na bheje.
YRG: Iske liye apko Lashkar se baat karni hogi. Pak-Govt. ka Lashkar par control nahi
SMS:koi gal nahi! Agla item. India ne to apne nuclear weapons pe “No first use” policy laga rakhi hai. Hum chahte hain Pak bhi aisa hi kare.
YRG: apko Taliban se hi baat karni hogi. Pak-Govt. ka nuclear weapons pe control nahi
SMS : kum se kum army ko to yeh bolo ki woh border par Indian forces par baar attack na kare.
YRG: apko Army Chief se hi baat karni hogi. Pak govt ka Army pe control nahi.
SMS: aisi koi cheez nahi jispar pak-Govt. ka control ho?
YRG: Hai
SMS:- Kya??
YRG:- Obama ke bheje hue funds par !!
SMS faintzz..

 

[Sabir]

Military Jokes

Friends, Whats about making a collection of military jokes here...

 

[mig-29]

IRAQI JOKES

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?

A: Nothing, yet.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?

A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?

A: Duck

Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?

A: He elected to receive.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?

A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?

A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

 

[mig-29]

Murphy's Rules of Combat

* Friendly fire - isn't.
* Recoilless rifles - aren't.
* Suppressive fires - won't.
* You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
* A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
* Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not
want to waste a bullet at you.
* If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
* If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
* Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
* The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and
you are not.
* No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
* There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
* Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

 

[mig-29]

Military Prayer

One day a Colonel, a Lieutenant and a Warrant Officer were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Warrant Officer called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Lieutenant prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Colonel had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into an NCO. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

 

[mig-29]

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him
his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

 

[mig-29]

Rumor has it that this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnel Douglas Website by an employee with a sense of humor (The company, however, didn't find it all that funny)


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ...............................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ...............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ......

4. Serial Number: ..............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

 

[mig-29]

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

 

[mig-29]

President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in your armrest?"

"You'll see," says Saddam. After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing.

Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks.

"We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President.

Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement.

As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing ... really loud.

Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming. Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing.

Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue.

After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter.

Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad? .... what Baghdad?"

 

[mig-29]

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, We actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.

Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead.You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, Because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! you are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces) , you're going to hate Fridays.

 

[mig-29]

A man went to a doctor and asked about a brain transplant.

The Dr. said he could have a lawyers brain for $500, a doctors brain for $1000 or a Marines brain for $50,000.

The man asked why a Marine brain cost so much.

The Dr. replied, "Do you know how many Marine brains we have to go through to find a good one?"

 

[mig-29]

Pilot wisdom

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB, Japan.)

You've never been lost, until you've been lost at Mach 3.

(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", and "Where are we?"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron perations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules. Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

 

[mig-29]

Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.

He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.

They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.

They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"

 

[Sabir]

This from a writing of famous Bengali writer Shiboram Chakrabarty…I just made some modifications to make it precise…

During the war I was taken to the army camp for medical check up. Lot of young guys were there. There was no way to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. If you were fit you had to go to war. For the first time I cursed my good structure as I past physical test. At the last there was eye test and I knew it was my last hope.

“ keep on reading the letters from the beginning’, Doctor pointed to the board.

“Letters? Which letters…?” was my reply

“ There”…he pointed to the board again…”on the white board”

“ Board? Where is the board? I can’t see any…”

“ Ah ! There…hanging on the wall..” the doctor growled.

“ But …Doctor…where is the wall?”

I was so happy after being kicked out from the military camp. There was still lot of time in my hand. Why not a movie in evening show….I said to myself.

The movie was not bad…English movies …..though I? didn’t understand the dialogues I enjoyed…without knowing a big surprise was waiting for me.
The interval bell rang and lights were on and…there was….there was the Military Doctor sitting next to me. Lights will be on for at least five minutes and there is no way to escape from him. Now he was turnig his head toward me….what to do …what to do…????????

I just nudged him gently with my elbow…” Sister,….Is this bus going to Howrah Station?”

 

[Sabir]

This one is a real story. A paratrooper was suppose to land in a stadium during a show...but blown away by wind he landed several miles away in a field. An old village woman was watching him with protuberant eyes. As he didnt know where he had landed actually the paratrooper asked..."Where I am...Maa'm?"
"Earth" came the reply from the woman who was still not out of the shock.

 

[mig-29]

The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.

"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.

"Yes sir!," the Private Responds.

An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. Worried, the captain checks with the Sentry.

"Did the General arrive?"

"No Sir!"

Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?

"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"

"No Sir!"

This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives.

"Where the hell have you been?," snapped the private. The captain's looking for you!

 

[mig-29]

The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The CO said, "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

 

[mig-29]

The colonel had distinguished himself in combat, but unfortunately he was wounded -- both of his ears were blown off. As a decorated hero, however, the Army allowed him to remain on active duty.

One day, the colonel was part in charge of a selection board to determine whether or not potential E-7s would become First Sergeants.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the colonel asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the soldier answered, "Why yes sir, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The colonel got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, sir, you have no ears."

The colonel again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a sharp soldier with an immaculate uniform. He was smart. He was rugged and no-nonsense and he seemed to be a better soldier than the first two put together. The colonel was anxious, but went ahead and asked the soldier the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the soldier answered: "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses." The colonel was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"

 

[mig-29]

C.R.A.P. - Command Reduction of Army Personnel


As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SH*T, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you can stand.

 

[xebex]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"