Jokes Thread

[tarunraju]

 

[tarunraju]

 

[tarunraju]

 

[plugwater]

South Indian Boy on his First Day at School in the USA





It was the first day of school in America, and a new student name Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. "

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death¡"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.


Very good. Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do"


She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians!"


"Who said that?" she demanded.


Chandrashekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."


The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"


Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."


Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."


The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"


And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

 

[plugwater]

Once a guy who just survived from a ship wreck, reached an island after a lot of swimming. When he was walking through the jungle of that island, he found himself to be confronted by a group of cannniballs..

Guy : Oh.. God why would this happen...? I'm screwed.....

Then a bright sphere of light appeared there and It was the mighty God..

God : Why are you so negative ? You are not screwed. Did you see that big stone over there? use it to kill the king of these canniballs...

Then the guy took the stone and smashed the head of the king and killed him instantly. A strange look spread over the faces of the canniballs.

God : Ok. Now you're screwed

 

[SinghRocks]

High tech joke

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?” Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!”
“Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”
“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You’ve Got Male’!”

 

[tarunraju]

 

[bengalraider]

 

[bengalraider]

 

[tarunraju]

 

[tarunraju]

 

[bengalraider]

priceless

 

[SinghRocks]

Management lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you….but the girl said NO. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…… She said “The b@stard used coins!!”

Management lesson:
‘Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!’

 

[StealthSniper]

The bride tells her husband


The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[bengalraider]

more fail pictures

 

[StealthSniper]

Only three doors


An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[StealthSniper]

Blonde paint job


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[SinghRocks]

Corporate lessons

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Corporate lessons:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!

 

[jakojako777]

 

[SinghRocks]

CORPORATE LESSON 2

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true.”

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”

CORPORATE LESSON:

Mind your language you never know what it will land you in.