Jokes Thread

[SinghRocks]

CORPORATE LESSON 3

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.” I just need one copy.”

CORPORATE LESSON:

Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

[jakojako777]

MOVIE STAR - from TEHERANWOOD

 

[jakojako777]

GAS-putin

GAS-octopusky

 

[StealthSniper]

Electric Train


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 

[StealthSniper]

Impossible to Please


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[plugwater]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic
exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go
down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin
and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and
crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear
themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the
woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods
ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades,
mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge,
carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken
by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you
five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on
and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are
awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in
bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

 

[plugwater]

Little johnny was sat in the park quietly scoffing the first of his 6 mars bars.

A middle aged man looked on disapprovingly, and decided to go over and talk to little johnny.

"Hi little boy, do know that eating 6 mars bars a day will mean you die younger and have lots of health problems?"

Little johnny looked up from his chocolate frenzy, "well my granddad lived until he was 94". "Really", replied the stranger, "and he ate 6 mars bars a day?"

"No", said little johnny, "he minded his own fvcking business."

 

[plugwater]

>An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
>Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
>Old Lady: Oh, I see.
>Officer: Can I see your license please?
>Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
>Officer: Don't have one?
>Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
>Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
>Old Lady: I can't do that.
>Officer: Why not?
>Old Lady: I stole this car.
>Officer: Stole it?
>Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
>Officer: You what?
>Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
>to see.
>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up.
>Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
>A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
>gun.
>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
>The woman steps out of her vehicle.
>Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
>murdered the owner.
>Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
>Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
>The officer is quite stunned.
>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>llicense.
>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.


>Old Lady: Bet the lying b@stard told you I was speeding, too.

 

[plugwater]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

 

[plugwater]

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, ”Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"Trevor, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

 

[plugwater]

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISE: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

[Agantrope]

I dont know whether it is posted previously or not

 

[jakojako777]

KISS

 

[bengalraider]

Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, and in those 30 minutes you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but they soon ran for the bushes together. Shortly thereafter, a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches could be heard. Then, 15 minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said: "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

 

[bengalraider]

Deep Sleeper

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered: "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said: "If I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his ass and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and had sex with her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's ass hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, I don't mind you screwing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

 

[bengalraider]

Making Small Talk

Two men were seated next to each other on a plane when the first man turned to his seatmate and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
"What would you like to discuss?" the second man asked.
"Oh, I don't know," said the first man: "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," the second man replied: "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first man: "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second man: "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[bengalraider]

for all engineers out there

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I’ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

[bengalraider]

One Day to Live

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"

 

[bengalraider]

Getting Ahead

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and, splash, they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my frickin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some ***** puts a swimming cap on me!"

 

[bengalraider]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers entered the diner. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier and left. When he was gone, one of the bikers said: "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied: "He just backed over three motorcycles."