*Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
*Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
*MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
*Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
*Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
*The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
*It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
*Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
*Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
*Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
*When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
*Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
*182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
*Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
*All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
*If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
*July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
*Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
*In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
*Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
*If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
*In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
*The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
*When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
*Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
*Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
*Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
*As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
*Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
*Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
*There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
*President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
*Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
*Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
*Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
*Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
*Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
*The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
*Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
*A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
*Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
*Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
*Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
*When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
*Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
*Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
*There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
*A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
*Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
*In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
*Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
*Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
*For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
*In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
*We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.