Jokes Thread

[bhramos]

Kiss Me Sarge

Recruits got a shock when their Air Force basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask. From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?" "Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"

 

[bhramos]

Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

 

[bhramos]

Brazilian Soldiers

George Bush is sat in the oval office one morning, reviewing the Iraq situation with his generals. The door opens, an aide walks in...."Bad news Im afraid ,Mr President...we have just had word that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq"

President Bush drops to his knees and puts his face in his hands...and starts sobbing with grief....absolutely inconsolable...the President seems to have taken the news incredibly badly......All the assembled generals can hear from the president is a mumbled "oh my god ...oh my god...."

Eventually, Bush looks up to **** Cheney through teary eyes from where he is kneeling and asks....."Exactly how many is a brazillion,****?"

 

[bhramos]

Indian Chief's Signal

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:

"OK, chief, but why so much ?"

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals:

"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why so angry?"

 

[bhramos]

Selling War Insurance


Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

 

[bhramos]

Apologizing to China


Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

Sincerely,

The People of the United States of America

 

[smartindian]

Yaar There are lot of corruption in india. No one is discussing and researching about Consumer Rights.

1.) In Advt. of Hair Oil company shows hair.

2.) In Advt. of Tooth Paste company shows Teeth.

3.) In Advt. of Footware company shows foot.

But in Advt. of Whisper they never show anything. WHY?

JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.
JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.
JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.
JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.
JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.
JAAGO GRAHAK JAGO.

 

[plugwater]

 

[plugwater]

 

[RAM]

Hilarious contestant wth SHARUKH...

...:happy_2:..this chap is a medic

 

[StealthSniper]

 

[StealthSniper]

 

[StealthSniper]

 

[StealthSniper]

 

[StealthSniper]

 

[Ray]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China..

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God..

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone
with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to
See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
"One
Rupee per call."

The American was
surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?"

Readers, it is your turn.......... Think ....before you scroll down...

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The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local Call ".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.

KEEP SMILING

If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

 

[Ray]

IDLE worship,
IDOL worship

or

IDEAL worship ?

 

[Ray]

 

[Ray]

Glasgow Brothel - Moral Story




The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once
more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The
price was still


£5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there
yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh"

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Daredevil]