OneGrimPilgrim
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muslima-e-beggareen is asking for alms - "sister, give something in the name of allah"
other lady - "take this, contraceptive pill!"
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
other lady - "take this, contraceptive pill!"
rockey 71
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The Professor and the Chief's Wife (rude)
l
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribes Chief's and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
l
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribes Chief's and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
rockey 71
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Fireman Love Life
l
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way."
"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
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The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
l
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way."
"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
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The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
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_________________________
rockey 71
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One Word or Two? (Adult)
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
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Journalism graduate writes “Expert at attacking Hinduism” in his resume; Gets flooded with offers
http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/...duism-in-his-resume-gets-flooded-with-offers/
http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2015/...duism-in-his-resume-gets-flooded-with-offers/
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Putin baba ki jai.........................................................................
rockey 71
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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
LuvChouhan
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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
rockey 71
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A Serious Medical Condition
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
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'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
- Advertisement -
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.
rockey 71
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The Milking Gear
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
rockey 71
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One Hole Behind
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his game.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
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He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his game.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
- Advertisement -
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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Kiwi Joke:
A white guy went off to the river to catch some fish on his flash boat.
Took him many hours with no luck at all.
During waiting for a catch, he noticed, on the other bank of the river a native women caught bucket full of fishes with ordinary net.
Next day the man took his boat to other side of the river.
It was same story again. He didn't caught a single fish the whole day. To his surprise the same women was catching plenty of fish where he was fishing day before.
Next day he took his boat close to where the native women was fishing again. Apprehensively he asked the women. How she is able to know which side the catch is?
The women took her time, while folding her net she explained to him that when she wakes up everyday she looks at her husband's tool. If the tool on right side she fish right side. If the tool is left side she fish left side of the river.
Angry white guy asked her in frustration, what if your husband's tool is erect on a given day ??!!
She took her time and exclaimed, Who goes fishing if its erect !
A white guy went off to the river to catch some fish on his flash boat.
Took him many hours with no luck at all.
During waiting for a catch, he noticed, on the other bank of the river a native women caught bucket full of fishes with ordinary net.
Next day the man took his boat to other side of the river.
It was same story again. He didn't caught a single fish the whole day. To his surprise the same women was catching plenty of fish where he was fishing day before.
Next day he took his boat close to where the native women was fishing again. Apprehensively he asked the women. How she is able to know which side the catch is?
The women took her time, while folding her net she explained to him that when she wakes up everyday she looks at her husband's tool. If the tool on right side she fish right side. If the tool is left side she fish left side of the river.
Angry white guy asked her in frustration, what if your husband's tool is erect on a given day ??!!
She took her time and exclaimed, Who goes fishing if its erect !
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............................................................
rockey 71
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Joke: The Fancy Nursing Home
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nursesimmediatelyrush up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman doesn't fall. Later, the family arrives to see how she was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s very nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nursesimmediatelyrush up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman doesn't fall. Later, the family arrives to see how she was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s very nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
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Once, an international cruise ship passengers from many countries was going through ocean.
But there came a storm which damaged the engine of ship but the captain somehow managed to prevent ship from getting sunk.
Due to damage in engine, ship could lift much p
weight.
So, everybody thrown their goods in water.
Finally, three people more had to jump in water to save ship.
Suddenly, a Japanese man ran out of the crowd and said"Sayyo Naaraa" and jumped in the water.
Then, a French guy said Long live France and jumped in water.
Then, an Indian Singh
came out of the crowd and said Jai Hind.
And
pushed the pakistani standing aside in the water.
:balle-balle:
But there came a storm which damaged the engine of ship but the captain somehow managed to prevent ship from getting sunk.
Due to damage in engine, ship could lift much p
weight.
So, everybody thrown their goods in water.
Finally, three people more had to jump in water to save ship.
Suddenly, a Japanese man ran out of the crowd and said"Sayyo Naaraa" and jumped in the water.
Then, a French guy said Long live France and jumped in water.
Then, an Indian Singh
came out of the crowd and said Jai Hind.And
pushed the pakistani standing aside in the water.
:balle-balle:
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:lmao:
Vlady gonna shove a missile in @$$ of baghdai
Vlady gonna shove a missile in @$$ of baghdai
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