So true..................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.....Another one:
#0 *0 %0 uncensored
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2014
- Messages
- 3,403
- Likes
- 4,199
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2014
- Messages
- 3,403
- Likes
- 4,199
I am wrapping it up:
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2014
- Messages
- 3,403
- Likes
- 4,199
This is also great. . . . . . . . . . .
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am from Pakistan '.
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from India !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The Indian lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am from Pakistan '.
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from India !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The Indian lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'
OneGrimPilgrim
Senior Member
- Joined
- May 18, 2015
- Messages
- 5,243
- Likes
- 6,810
......................................................
pmaitra
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2009
- Messages
- 33,262
- Likes
- 19,594
Prince Philip quotes: Relive 65 classic gaffes as Duke of Edinburgh celebrates 65th wedding anniversary
16:40, 20 FEBRUARY 2013
BY ANDY RUDD
The prince has an uncanny ability to put his foot in his mouth... we relive some classic clangers
Prince Phillip - Duke of Edinburgh (Pic: Getty Images)
A book on the Duke of Edinburgh's most notorious one-liners is released today.
Prince Philip: Wise Words and Golden Gaffes arrives on the eve of his and the Queen's 65th wedding anniversary.
Included are recent gaffes by the 91-year-old royal such as one in May when he told a blonde: “I’d get arrested if I unzipped that dress.”
Ashley Walton compiled the book with Phil Dampier.
He said: “Despite his three hospital visits in the last year or so, he remains on top form. He's a national treasure.”
To celebrate the Duke of Edinburgh's wedding anniversary tomorrow, Mirror.co.uk looked back at his 65 greatest gaffes.
1 After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
2 To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”
3 To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
4 To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
5 To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”
6 After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”
7 At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
8 To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
9 To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
10 His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
11 At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
12 To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
13 To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”
14 To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
15 His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”
16 To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
17 Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”
18 To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”
19 In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
20 “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987
21 On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
22 Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
23 “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
24 At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
25 To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
26 To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”
27 On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
28 On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”
29 After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
30 To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”
31 On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”
32 On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”
33 To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
34 To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
35 To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
36 To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
37 At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
38 “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.
39 A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
40 On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
41 To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”
42 To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
43 When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
44 “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
45 At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”
46 On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
47“You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.
48 At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
49 To achildren’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
50 At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
51 On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
52 To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
53 At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
54 To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each filmother?”
55 At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
56 After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
57 To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
58 To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
59 To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
60 To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
61 “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
62 To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”
63 Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
64 Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
65 “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.
VIEW GALLERY
[SOURCE MIRROR UK]
[To be merged with the Jokes Thread later.]
16:40, 20 FEBRUARY 2013
BY ANDY RUDD
The prince has an uncanny ability to put his foot in his mouth... we relive some classic clangers
Prince Phillip - Duke of Edinburgh (Pic: Getty Images)
A book on the Duke of Edinburgh's most notorious one-liners is released today.
Prince Philip: Wise Words and Golden Gaffes arrives on the eve of his and the Queen's 65th wedding anniversary.
Included are recent gaffes by the 91-year-old royal such as one in May when he told a blonde: “I’d get arrested if I unzipped that dress.”
Ashley Walton compiled the book with Phil Dampier.
He said: “Despite his three hospital visits in the last year or so, he remains on top form. He's a national treasure.”
To celebrate the Duke of Edinburgh's wedding anniversary tomorrow, Mirror.co.uk looked back at his 65 greatest gaffes.
1 After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
2 To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”
3 To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”
4 To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
5 To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”
6 After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”
7 At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
8 To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”
9 To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
10 His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
11 At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”
12 To deaf children by steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”
13 To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”
14 To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
15 His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”
16 To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”
17 Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”
18 To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”
19 In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
20 “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987
21 On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
22 Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
23 “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.
24 At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”
25 To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”
26 To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”
27 On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
28 On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”
29 After Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”
30 To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”
31 On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”
32 On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”
33 To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”
34 To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
35 To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
36 To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
37 At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
38 “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.
39 A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
40 On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”
41 To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”
42 To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”
43 When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”
44 “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
45 At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”
46 On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”
47“You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.
48 At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002:“So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”
49 To achildren’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”
50 At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”
51 On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
52 To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”
53 At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”
54 To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each filmother?”
55 At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”
56 After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”
57 To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”
58 To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”
59 To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”
60 To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”
61 “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.
62 To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”
63 Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
64 Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
65 “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.
VIEW GALLERY
[SOURCE MIRROR UK]
[To be merged with the Jokes Thread later.]
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
Few naughty but true facts:
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra.
A boy is grown up when he starts removing it....!!
___________________________________
We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes....!
___________________________________
Having a cold drink on hot day with few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS....!
___________________________________
Breaking news: Condoms don't
guarantee safe sex anymore! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband....!!
___________________________________
Arguing over a girls breast size is like choosing between Kingfisher, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available....!!
___________________________________
Why Can’t Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely....?
Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash....!!
___________________________________
Why Did Newton Commit Suicide....?
Because He Saw A Complete Naked Girl, And Observed Something Going Up In His Pant, Against His Own Laws Of Gravity....!!
___________________________________
Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex....?
They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can Give So Much Pleasure.....!!
-----------------------Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?
A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy
----------------------
DEFINITION OF BLOWJOB
A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your
resume despite years of experience and a number of references!
---------------------------
BALLS THEORY
If you have two balls between your legs it means u r man.
If you have four, it does not mean that u r superman.
U must've guessed by now that someone's taking your ass
-------------------------
EXPLANATION
Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for
successful penetration.
Girl: Ma'am, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.
------------------------
VIAGARA
All medicines have Side effects, only VIAGARA has Front effect.
---------------------
BURNING LOVE
Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks by mistake.
----------------------
SHOCK
Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra.
A boy is grown up when he starts removing it....!!
___________________________________
We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes....!
___________________________________
Having a cold drink on hot day with few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS....!
___________________________________
Breaking news: Condoms don't
guarantee safe sex anymore! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband....!!
___________________________________
Arguing over a girls breast size is like choosing between Kingfisher, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available....!!
___________________________________
Why Can’t Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely....?
Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash....!!
___________________________________
Why Did Newton Commit Suicide....?
Because He Saw A Complete Naked Girl, And Observed Something Going Up In His Pant, Against His Own Laws Of Gravity....!!
___________________________________
Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex....?
They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can Give So Much Pleasure.....!!
-----------------------Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?
A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy
----------------------
DEFINITION OF BLOWJOB
A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your
resume despite years of experience and a number of references!
---------------------------
BALLS THEORY
If you have two balls between your legs it means u r man.
If you have four, it does not mean that u r superman.
U must've guessed by now that someone's taking your ass
-------------------------
EXPLANATION
Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for
successful penetration.
Girl: Ma'am, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.
------------------------
VIAGARA
All medicines have Side effects, only VIAGARA has Front effect.
---------------------
BURNING LOVE
Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks by mistake.
----------------------
SHOCK
Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!
I really laughed out loud like I haven't in days. Thanks man.
......................................................
One of my oldest friends is a Muslim. He is now married (not to any of his cousins) with a beautiful daughter but this reminded me of the times in our teens when I and others used to roast him and his bhai-behen ka rishta.
OneGrimPilgrim
Senior Member
- Joined
- May 18, 2015
- Messages
- 5,243
- Likes
- 6,810
in our obsession with zaid chaman-jhand hamid, we neglected our own indigenous version....presenting to you
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
Two old ladies were sitting outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "Genius. What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom."
Lady 1: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what size and brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."
Lady 1: "Genius. What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom."
Lady 1: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what size and brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
A long time ago, a young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. She was sitting, out of sorts, when a Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
Thankful, she climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
...
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said in pained expression, "Indians don't use saddles."
Thankful, she climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
...
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said in pained expression, "Indians don't use saddles."
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2014
- Messages
- 3,403
- Likes
- 4,199
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
Her Well-Kept Secret...
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a locked chest on top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the chest, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the chest and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the chest. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the chest. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a locked chest on top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the chest, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the chest and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the chest. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the chest. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the other dolls.'
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the SUV and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought about it for a second and said"What kinda beer you got"
Mikesingh
Professional
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2015
- Messages
- 7,353
- Likes
- 30,450
Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
rockey 71
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2015
- Messages
- 1,017
- Likes
- 363
RAISING COCKS
Another one of same profession claimed to be in contracting business
during her interview for visa. When asked what type of contracts she
takes, she calmly replied:
"I take contracts for demolition of temporary erections"
THIS ONE IS FOR BANKERS AND ACCOUINTANTS, SO PLEASE DONOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS,WHEN OPENING ACCOUNTS OR MAKING TAX RETURNS.TS700T
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 COCKS last year."
Another one of same profession claimed to be in contracting business
during her interview for visa. When asked what type of contracts she
takes, she calmly replied:
"I take contracts for demolition of temporary erections"
THIS ONE IS FOR BANKERS AND ACCOUINTANTS, SO PLEASE DONOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS,WHEN OPENING ACCOUNTS OR MAKING TAX RETURNS.TS700T
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 COCKS last year."
OneGrimPilgrim
Senior Member
- Joined
- May 18, 2015
- Messages
- 5,243
- Likes
- 6,810
...................................................
OneGrimPilgrim
Senior Member
- Joined
- May 18, 2015
- Messages
- 5,243
- Likes
- 6,810
...................................................
Prakash_Dr
Regular Member
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2015
- Messages
- 90
- Likes
- 102
...................................................
I don't understand Hindi. Wat does that say??
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
| Thread starter | Similar threads | Forum | Replies | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
History memes and Jokes thread | History & Culture | 33 | |
| D | Defence, Geopolitics memes and jokes | Military Multimedia | 10 | |
|
Memes & Jokes India China Standoff 2020 | Members Corner | 334 | |
|
Social Humour: Jokes on Ramdev after his inflammatory remark | Members Corner | 1 |
