Movies and Entertainment

Blitz

Founding Member
Regular Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2009
Messages
93
Likes
8
Trip to Jamaica


A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica.":D:D:D
 

Blitz

Founding Member
Regular Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2009
Messages
93
Likes
8
Why Men Wear Earrings


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
hippie and the nun

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
Actual McDonald’s Application For Employment

These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
sunday school

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
Life’s Tough When You’re Stupid

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class “In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.”Cow

For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow’s butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. “Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you,” the professor says.

Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson… “Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow’s butt, and I sucked on my index finger… Now, learn to pay attention.”

The moral: Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher when you’re stupid.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
funny state laws in USA

The following dumb laws are, or were at some point, actually laws in the United States listed below. Now, before you go any further do know that I’m not a lawyer nor am I claiming any responsibilty if you bail off and do something stupid or try using something here as a defense in court (rofl at that).

Alabama

* In Jasper, it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
* It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
* It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday.
* Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska

* In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
* While it is legal to shoot bears, waking sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona

* In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
* In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
* In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
* In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas

* A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
* In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill “any living creature”.
* Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-Day jail term.

California

* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.
* In Pacific Groove, “molesting” butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
* It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
* In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Colorado

* In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

Connecticut

* It is illegal to dispose used razor blades.
* In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h. even when going to a fire.
* In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

Delaware

* It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida

* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
* In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
* Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
* When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
* In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia

* While Georgia operates its own lottery, it “protects” its citizens by making it illegal to promote a private lottery.
* Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
* Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
* No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket on Sunday.

Hawaii

* It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho

* You may not fish on a camel’s back.

Illinois

* In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
* According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is “American”.

Indiana

* Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
* It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

Iowa

* State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
* In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas

* Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

Kentucky

* It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana

* In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
* It is considered “simple assault” to bite someone in New Orleans; it is “aggravated assault” if the biter has false teeth.
* It is against the law to gargle in public.
* It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Maine

* In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one’s nose in public.

Maryland

* In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.

Massachusetts

* In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms.
* It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
* In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
* In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan

* In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to “sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.”
* A state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.
* In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
* You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
* In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
* Under state law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”

Minnesota

* Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
* In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
* Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
* It’s illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi

* In Truro, a would-be groom must “prove himself manly” prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri

* It is illegal to have oral sex.
* Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

Montana

* Prostitution is considered a “crime against the family”.
* It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
* It is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
* It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.
* Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.

Nebraska

* It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada

* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
* It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

New Hampshire

* You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
* It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
* Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
* On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

New Jersey

* Spray paint may not be sold without a posted sign warning juveliles of the penalty for creating graffiti.
* It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.
* It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

New Mexico

* It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
* Hunting is prohibited in Mountain View Cemetery.

New York

* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
* A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
* The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

North Dakota

* Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio

* It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
* It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Pennsylvania

* A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

Texas

* It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
* It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
* It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
* It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Wisconsin

* You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
* Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
A smart business plan

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
worthy of heaven

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
Are Computers Male or Female?

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
Pleasing a women

* Home
*


Pleasing A Women

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
fax machine

A man walks into a bar for a pub lunch. As he's drinking his pint, waiting for his food a young gentlemen walks in and sits with him. After ordering a drink, they begin to talk. Mid-conversation the man hears a beeping sound. The man, confused, asks where the sound is coming from.

The gentlemen, smiling, pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows a small screen in his arm, saying, "OH, I went to Japan earlier this year and got a pager fitted into my arm."

As they resume talking, a second man walks into the bar, and after ordering a drink, joins in the conversation. After a few minutes, teh first man notices a ringing noise. "Can you hear that?"

The new gentlemen opens his palm, and then proceeds to talk into his thumb. The first man, very confused, asks what he is doing.

The new guy says, "Oh, i went to Japan a few months ago and got a phone fitted into my hand. Sweet aint it!"

At this point, the first gentlemen felt a little left out, and excused himself to the loo. After about an hour, the other too began to worry. They decided to wander into the toilets and check-up on him.

On entering the toilets, they saw him naked, hand up against the wall, with toilet paper sticking out his bum. The man turns around and says "Hey, I'll be one sec. Im just recieveing a fax!"
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
bill gates goes to hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
doc's language

doctor terminology
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
politicians

five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
are you bored

Really Bored
Things you can do with absolutely nothing...

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").



Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.



Things you can do with another person:

Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
 

shiv

Regular Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
326
Likes
46
are you bored

Really Bored
Things you can do with absolutely nothing...

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").



Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
 

ShyAngel

Founding Member
Regular Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2009
Messages
454
Likes
8
* Home
*


Pleasing A Women

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?

So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

Same to all the guys! You just have to change the word women to man. Human beings are hard to please! hehehehe
 

Global Defence

Articles

Top