Jokes Thread

[Sabir]

Mayawati came to Lalu’s house with a goat

Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun layi ho?

Maya : Dikhta nahi, goatwa hai.

Lalu : Hum goatwa se hi puch raha hu!!!

I was having some snacks while reading ur post. It almost killed me. It's dangerous to read through this thread while eating or drinking.

 

[tarunraju]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and a sked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

 

[tarunraju]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[Sabir]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11.Only in America.....do they use escalator while entering gym for work out.

 

[F-14]

Photo caption

all rights to enlightened one

Parents in the wild

who said taking care of Babies were easy bah!

so what did you learn at the party office today son

Family Loggin time shhhhh..... i ment how cute they look zzz....

Ho darling is nt she a chip of the old block awhhh....

you are grounded young man is that clear no more Late night TV for you

Mom can't we jsut take the animal highway to the river ?

 

[1.44]

Once three sardars decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.

So, the youngest sardar said he would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the sandwiches until he got back.

An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went by.

Both sardars were now very hungry.

Finally one of the sardars said: “Oh, come on, he is not going to be back. Let’s eat the sandwiches.”

Suddenly, the youngest sardar popped up from behind a rock and said: “If you do, I wont go.”

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sardar Apne Dost Se: “Aaj Ghar Jate Hi Biwi Ki Chaddi Utarunga.”

Dost: “Aaj Bade Mood Mein Lagte Ho?”

Sardar: “Ghanta, Bahut Tight Hai Yaar, Subah Galti Se Biwi Ki Pehan Li Thi.”

 

[Tornado]

एक सरकारी दफ्तर के बोर्ड पर लिखा था कृप्या शोर न करें!
किसी ने उसके नीचे लिख दिया! वरना हम जाग जायेंगे!

------------------------------------------

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

 

[Tornado]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen"

 

[Tornado]

Three women walk in a pet shop.

Suddenly the parrot yells out, "White, pink, blue."

The first ladie says, "That's funny, I'm wearing white underwear."

The others then say, "No way, we are wearing pink and blue."

To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"

The three women are amazed.

The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled, "Bald, curly and straight!"

They never went there again!!

 

[1.44]

Penisham went to the Doctor with a problem

Penisham: Doctor i have a problem!!

Doctor : What's the problem?

Penisham: First promise not to laugh....


Doctor: Why?


Penisham: Please promise not to laugh.........


Doctor: ok ok i promise not to laugh


Pensiham pulled down his pants and the doctor saw his ding- dong standing straight up in all it's glory, but it was only 1 inch long.......


The Doctor saw the tiny thing and started to laugh uncontrollably.


Penisham: You promised not to laugh!!!


Doctor: I'm sorry, i'm sorry.....


Penisham: I'm having a problem with it...


Doctor:What's the problem??



Penisham: First promise not to laugh...



Doctor: Why?


Penishamlease promise not to laugh....



Doctor: ok ok i promise not to laugh.........sheesh



Penisham: It's swelling

 

[BLACK_COBRA]

Laloo Yadav JOKES

Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.
The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

 

[tarunraju]

I call for the addition of a New smiley. Its should say "In a Mood to Ban" or Simply Bad(n) Mood

I see you're relaxed. You don't need to ban for relaxation. Here, enjoy the obligatory joke:

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SH1T !

 

[bengalraider]

Two men were walking home from work one afternoon.
"Damn," said the first man: "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his friend asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the man replied.

 

[bengalraider]

A mother walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned: "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

 

[SinghRocks]

Girl Fully Exhausted

A young girl after her honeymoon came fully exhausted and tired,
When her friends asked her what happened?
She replied :
When this 70 year old ******* told me he has saved a lot from last 50 years,


“I thought It was MONEY”

 

[bengalraider]

Good News, Bad News

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.
The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."
The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."
The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"
The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

 

[bengalraider]

Take Me to Your Leader

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade: "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said: "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his **** around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

 

[bengalraider]

home invasion

A man was sitting at the pub with his friends: "Get this," he said, "last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

 

[bengalraider]

Scentless farts

A man went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no smell."
Intrigued, the doctor asked he man if he could fart then and there, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times and said: "Yes, I think I know what the problem is," and went out of his office. He came back a moment later with a very long stick with a menacing-looking hook on the end.
The man became very frightened and asked: "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replied: "I'm going to open the window - there's something wrong with your nose!"

 

[bengalraider]

Ice-cream

Two old men suffering from long-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old folks' home when an ice cream van drove past.
"Gee," said the first old codger: "I'd love an ice cream right now."
"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old man.
"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back: "You'd forget my order straight away."
"No I wouldn't," replied the second."
"All right, then," said his friend: "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top."
The second old man repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled: "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"