Jokes Thread

[Daredevil]

Banta's Delusion

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," Banta replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

 

[Daredevil]

Funniest Joke

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

 

[Daredevil]

Shitty Santa

Santa and Banta are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Banta smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around.

He says, "Hey, you shit your pants?"

Santa says, "No."

He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Banta stops his horse and turns around.

He then says, "Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"

Santa, "Yes, I am sure."

They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Santa is swatting the flys away. Banta stops his horse and gets off his horse. He then says, "Get of your horse. Pull down your pants. I thought you said you did not shit your pants?"

Santa replies, "I thought you meant today!"

 

[Daredevil]

Suicide Bomber

Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.

He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?

Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.

Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?

Boss: Wait for more.

Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?

Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.

Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

 

[mig-29]

An NCO, a Warrant Officer and an RLO were captured as POWs and subsequently sentenced to be executed. On the fateful day, the three prisoners were brought out into the courtyard.
The NCO, chosen by his captors to be first, was offered a cigarette, which he accepted. After he was finished, he nodded to the CPT of the firing squad. The CPT of the firing squad began his sequence: .....READY!.....AIM!..... The NCO, being a quick thinker, yelled: AVALANCHE! With this the firing squad quickly dispersed.

Next up, with a new firing squad, was the Warrant Officer. He, too, was offered a cigarette; he prudently declined. The CPT of the firing began anew the sequence:.....READY!.....AIM..... The Warrant Officer, also a quick thinker, yelled: EARTHQUAKE! This, too, sending the new firing squad askelter.

Finally, the RLO is led, bound and blindfolded, to the center of the courtyard before yet another firing squad. He is offered a cigarette, which he accepts, coughing profusely throughout. When he is finished, he nods with a blue face to the CPT of the firing squad, who begins his sequence for a third time: .....READY!.....AIM!..... The RLO, not to be outdone by his subordinates, yelled: FIRE!!

 

[mig-29]

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

 

[mig-29]

Military Phone message

Thank You for calling the US Army.

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsory Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!

 

[mig-29]

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

 

[1.44]

Doctor to Patient : The check which u gave me has returned back.
Patient to Doctor:The head-ache for which you gave me medicine has also returned back.
—————–
My wife ran away with my best friend.
To tell you the truth, I really miss him.
—————–
Yamraj asks 3 ladies -
Kabhi kiss kiya?
1st lady : Shadi se pehle.
Yamraj : Chal Nark me.
2nd Lady : Shaadi ke baad.
Yamraj : Chal Swarg me.
3rd Lady : Na pehle na baad me.
Yamraj : Chal kamre me!!!
—————------------
English Teacher: “One cute and young girl is walking on the road.” Change this into an punjabi exclamatory sentence.
Sardar student:- “Oye,pataka !”
—————————
Air hostess: Aap 1 hours me 4 baar toilet gaye! R U OK? Kya aap ko chein nahi hai?
Santa: ‘Chain’ hai par khulti nahi hai!!!
—————————
Wife: Please bike itni taze na chalao mujhey bahut dar lag raha hai.
Sardar: Agar tumhe bhi daar lag raha hai to meri tarah ankhein band karlo!!!
—————————

A sardar had a baby after 3 months of marriage. He suspected
and asked to his wife, “Ye 3 month me hi baccha kaise hua?”

Wife Replied : Tumhari shaadi ko kitne din hue?
Sardar : Three months

Wife : Aur meri shaadi ko?
Sardar : 3 months.

Wife : Aur bacha kitne month ke baad?
Sardar : 3 months.

Wife : Total kitne months hue?
Sardar : Oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle!!!!
—————————
Doctor : Aab tabiyat kaisi hai?
Santa : Pehle se jyada kharab hai.
Doctor : Dawai khali thi?
Santa : Nahi dawai ki sishi to bhari hui thi.
Doctor : I mean dawai le li thi?
Santa : Ji aapne di to meine le li thi.
Doctor : Bewkoof dawai pee li thi?
Santa : Nahi dawai to laal thi.
Doctor : Abe gadhe dawai ko pee liya tha?
Santa : Nahi sir peelia to mujhe tha!!!
—————————

 

[Sabir]

Why India took so long to build LCA-Tejas?
Here is the answer from member of this forum Known_unknown
".....There are 4 ways to develop a indigenous defence aviation industry. Steal German scientists after WWII (Soviet Union and US), "co-operate" with those who stole German scientists (France, UK etc), reverse engineer and pirate imported foreign jets (China), or develop an industry from scratch without doing (1), (2) or (3) above (India).

Naturally, it took India much longer. ....."

 

[1.44]

YouTube - The IT Crowd - Series 2 - Episode 3: Piracy warning

 

[1.44]

1. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

4. One day I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

 

[1.44]

 

[Jeypore]

Eating with burka:

YouTube - Spaghetti Eating, Burka Wearing Women!

 

[Daredevil]

A man was walking by his 9 year old daughter's room one night, and heard her saying her nightly prayer. He thought he'd sit there and listen to her for a while and see what she was saying in her prayers. After a couple of minutes f the regular thanks and blessings, she said something that startled him.

"And god, please watch over my Uncle Jim well and love him."

He was puzzled by this and was wondering what this meant. He soon found out, because the next day, his wife's brother, Jim, died.

It was a week later and the funeral had been the day before. The dad, getting ready for bed himself, decides to listen to his daughter's prayers again. Again, the regular thanks and blessings were given and then she said something that alarmed him again.

"And God, please watch over my Grandad Mark well and love him."

He was alarmed, but hoped that he first time was just an unlucky coincidence. Sadly though, the next day his father Mark died.

A week went by and the funeral had been the day before. The dad, now really believing in the prophetic prayers of his daughter, decided to listen to his daughter's prayers again. The usual thanks and blessings occured, and once again she added something else.

"And God, please watch over my daddy well and love him."

Thoroughly alarmed, the husband didn't know what to think. He couldn't sleep all night, knowing that the next day could be his last. He rushed to work over an hour early, making sure to drive more carefully than he ever had in his life. At work, he couldn't concentrate and sweated bullets the entire day. He tried to keep his mind busy on work, but his nervousness got the best of him. Seeing this, his boss told him to go home. When he got home, his wife met him at the door.

"Jeez, you look terrible. Are you alright."

Lying, he said, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a hard day at the office. I had a couple of deadlines I had to meet."

His wife replied, "Sounds bad, but if you think you had a bad day, the mailman dropped dead on the front porch. Worst thing I've ever seen."

 

[Pintu]

Great piloting :

YouTube - The Mad Pilot

Regards

 

[1.44]

His wife replied, "Sounds bad, but if you think you had a bad day, the mailman dropped dead on the front porch. Worst thing I've ever seen."

lol

 

[Daredevil]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...







The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrollin'...










So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

 

[Singh]

once 2 sikhs were playing chess.

 

[Daredevil]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."