Jokes Thread

[xebex]

Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says."This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I amringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war onyou!""Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is importantnews! Tell me, how big is your army?""At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a momentscalculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, mynext door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi teamfrom the Village. That makes 8!"Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that Ihave 1million men in my army waiting to move on my word.

""OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!

"Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr.Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquiresome equipment!""What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks."Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill'stractor from the farm." Once more Bill sighs and says, "Imust tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke.

" "I'll be dogged!"says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!

"Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr.Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to getourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's cropsprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and theHockey team has joined us as well!"Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singhthat I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverabilityattack planes and my military installations are surroundedby laser guided surface to air missiles and since we lastspoke, my army has increased to 2 million.

""Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back.

"Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, Iam sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.

""I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the suddenchange of heart?

""Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to besure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

 

[xebex]

trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side, suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG shot dead!
"Oye Karim" 2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both khalaas.
"Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saale khalaas!
Pakistanis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves.
"Abe Gurdev Singh".... silence.
"Oye Gurdev Singh!!".... silence.
"O bhai, Gurdev Singh!"
after some time ,,
"Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?"
Pakistani gets up, "Mein" BANG!

 

[xebex]

One taxi driver in Lahore to another, 'Did you hear that the Pakistan government bought a thousand septic tanks?'The other driver replied, 'Yes, and as soon as they learn to drive them,they are going to invade India.

 

[xebex]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my pen!s all the way to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure".

The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.

 

[xebex]

As allways, nice collection Mig

 

[Sabir]

Trainee Air Force Pilot to his father over phone ," Dad ! The plane I was flying crashed. I ejected safely."

Father," My God ! It was insured or I have to pay for it?"

 

[xebex]

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)




Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Sabir]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

 

[Sabir]

Delta Force had an opening for a new team member. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: an Air Force Pararescue, an Army Ranger, and a Marine Force Recon.

For the final test, the Delta Force examiner took the Airman to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow orders, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find a man tied to a chair. Kill him!!!"

The Airman said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot a helpless unarmed man." The examiner said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Return to your unit."

The Soldier was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the Soldier came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill a helpless stranger tied to a chair." The examiner said, "You don't have what it takes. Return to your platoon."

Finally, it was the Marine's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill the man tied to the chair. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Marine. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks," he said. "I had to untie him, and then beat him to death with the chair."

 

[hit&run]

Submarine Life
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

 

[Sabir]

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
>Shoot the men who are pushing it.

How do you disable Pakistani missiles ?
>Cut the rubber band.


Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention ?
>The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.

How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
>Put it in water.

Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who wanted to be buried at sea on his death?

Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave

 

[Sabir]

Military personnel used the hotel for a stopover and the management had problems with persons leaving with bills unpaid.
The clerk assigned an airman a room on the tenth floor. "Any baggage?" he asked.
"Only my parachute," the man replied.
After giving the airman a quizzical look, the clerk said: "Change that for Room 205 on the second floor."

 

[Sabir]

Aboard a troop transport an infantry soldier asked a naval officer: "How far the land is from here, Sir?"
"It's only 2km"
"But I cant see " said the puzzled soldier,"Which side the land is, Sir?"
"Downside."

 

[Sabir]

National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who's about to sponsor a boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[Sabir]

A military General walked into and a bank with six armed soldiers demanding to see the Bank Manager. The attendent saw the armed men and the angry look in the General's face and with shaking hands pointed at the manager's office.

They all angrily entered the manager's office without knocking or talking to secretary. The manager wanted to scream at these rude men but he saw there guns and simmered down. Then the General said to the man,' we are aware that your bank does hides money for some corrupt military officials, we want there names' The bank manager replied with sweat gushing through his face,'I am sorry sir but we can't disclose our transactions with our customers'.

The General brought his revolver and pointed it at the Bank manger and said,' No more Mr. nice guy, you have the count of five to talk or I'll blow your brains all over the office, 5'.

The Bank managers legs were shaking as he replied, 'I am sorry sir the names of our customers are confidential'.

'4'

'I beg of you sir, I have a wife and three kids'

'I want their names 3'

The bank manager had not realized he had peed on his pants,' have mercy on me'.

'The names, 2'

'Its against the banks Policy sir', please don't kill me, the man cried out with tears in his eyes

'1'

The bank manager closed his eye to see death and when he opened his eyes he saw the General smiling and saying,'General smith was right about the bank that don't talk, boys send in the bags and the other soldiers brought in bags of money for the General to put in the bank

 

[Sabir]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[Sabir]

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave."

"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of
the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 

[Sabir]

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"

 

[Daredevil]

Doctor Banta!

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!!

 

[Daredevil]

Santa: Darling rape ka matlab kya hai?
Jeeto: Sahi jagah par galat aadmi!