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Jokes Thread
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plugwater
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It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"I know," said Ronaldinho. "But being sent off after 15 minutes was shameful."
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're shite and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"I know," said Ronaldinho. "But being sent off after 15 minutes was shameful."
Oracle
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A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Oracle
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."
The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."
Oracle
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FIFA World Cup 2010 has proceeded exactly as World War II.
The French had given up early,
Italians, despite having power, backed out without contributing.
Americans, like always, over-rated themselves and the
British were left alone to fight with the Germans.
The French had given up early,
Italians, despite having power, backed out without contributing.
Americans, like always, over-rated themselves and the
British were left alone to fight with the Germans.
Oracle
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Oracle
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Pakistani Wicket Keeper Moin Khan Ki Shaadi Hui To Next Day Uski Wife Se Media Walo Ne Puchha Ki: "How Moin Was On Wedding Night?"
Wife Replied: "Wo MUJHEYY lita keyy, khud bed keyy picheyy jakeyy khadeyy ho gayeyy aur ZOR seyy kehneyy lageyy - AUR TEZ DALO WASEEM BHAI"
Wife Replied: "Wo MUJHEYY lita keyy, khud bed keyy picheyy jakeyy khadeyy ho gayeyy aur ZOR seyy kehneyy lageyy - AUR TEZ DALO WASEEM BHAI"
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The Name of the Movie is Kurukshetra, and its about the Kargil war. Its not a classic or anything, but a few incidents in it, are new to us, and true. For Eg: I never Knew Indian Army had a Musllim Unit, with their Battle Cry, the Takbir. Those guys captured a peak from the Pakistanis, and it was clever. Its a true event, and the Director, a Major, who took part in Kargil himself, acknowledges it. God Speed
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Very funny video: JF-17s shoot down 4 Su-30MKIs without a single loss
If you look at 2:34, you can see that JF-17s can even use laser beam weapons :emot15:
If you look at 2:34, you can see that JF-17s can even use laser beam weapons :emot15:
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Oracle
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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