Jokes Thread

[cobra commando]

[tweet]567691355972186112[/tweet]

 

[rockey 71]

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

And
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 

[Sakal Gharelu Ustad]

If Modi gave a Obama-esque speech at a 7 RCR Correspondents Dinner

US President Barrack Obama, delivered a sharp, witty speech at the annual White House Coresspondents dinner on Sunday. He took potshots at his rivals, the media and some jokes were reserved for his colleagues. Hillary Clinton too wasnt spared. What would happen if Narendra Modi gave a similar speech? Would it look something like this:

Good evening, everybody.

Welcome to the 7 RCR Correspondents' dinner. A night when Lutyens Delhi celebrates itself. As opposed to all the other nights, umm when they celebrate themselves. And welcome to the 2nd year of my PMShip. It's true — that's Advani cheering. Still 4 years bro. Still 4 years.

The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Harshvardhan shoulder massages — they're like magic. You should try one. He will give it to you. Not like he is busy or something these days..

Anyway, being Prime Minister is never easy. I still have to fix a broken irrigation system, set up industries for everything, and negotiate with China and Pakistan. All while finding time to plot the attacks on minorities in India. Which is strenuous.

And it is no wonder that that people keep pointing out how the Prime Ministership has aged me. I look so old LK Advani ji called me uncle the other day.

Fact is though, at this point my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. The economy is getting better. Scams have disappeared. Foreign policy is on track. Rahul Gandhi has finally started working. You are welcome, Congress.

Look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. An year into my Prime Ministership, some people still say I'm fascist, arrogant, narcissist. Some people are so dumb. Why do we even let them speak Amit Bhai. And that's not all people say about me. Rahul Gandhi says he thinks I'm only interested in personal PR. Which is interesting because I think Rahul Gandhi is the biggest PR campaign of my lifetime. Quite a coincidence. I mean everybody's got something to say these days.

You know, I just have to put this stuff aside. I have to stay focused on my job. Because for many Indians this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend just a few weeks ago, he was holidaying in Bangkok and is now having to climb on top of Mountains.

Meanwhile, back here in our nation's capital we're always dealing with new challenges.

I want to thank our host for the evening, the incredibly talented Gappistan Radio. Sometimes Gappistan Radio writes fake news, which is surprising, because usually the only people writing fake news are the ones working for Times Of India.

NDTV is here, give them a big hand. Now why are you all looking at Arun Jaitley? I mean the actual employees of NDTV. Though its easy to get confused considering the amount of time Jaitley spends on NDTV.

As always, the reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year here in Delhi. The rising pollution levels in the capital. Air pollution is rocketing up. Noise pollution is terrible and that is when Arnab is in Mumbai.

But, of course, let's face it, there is one issue on every reporter's mind, and that is my Shawl. What is this man wearing?

It turns out Sagarika Ghose identified it as Louis Vuitton which you know took me 2 days to learn how to pronounce. Who said Indian media doesn't force politicians to work.

In case anyone is wondering, I don't have any ear piece today so you can carry on bitching about me in your pseudo-intellectual language, I won't be able to understand. Plus, you won't get bitch slapped on Twitter for saying I didn't have an ear piece.

Lot of politicians here too. Lot of politicians.

We have MS Aiyar who is busy trying to find me on the tea counter. Hey Mani, I am up here!

We have Arvind Kejriwal so we didn't keep any Raita on the menu tonight. Don't want Arvind to take that as a personal insult and start a dharna tonight.

Janta Parivar is here. All of them and all of them are happy so I am assuming another one of Lalu's children is getting married tonight.

And Prakash Karat is here. Still.

Anyway, it's amazing how time flies. Soon, the Bihar elections will be upon us which will be the 1st big challenge for me since my last big challenge which was yesterday, an election for a Group Housing society President in Ahmedabad.

Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. You know, I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial system. Whatever I say, they have to oppose and that is fine because whatever media says, public believe opposite so eventually, people end up supporting me. Not rocket science Sonia ji. Just get Indian media to hate you and you will get 282.

Now that I got that off my chest — you know, investigative journalism, explanatory journalism, journalism that exposes corruption and justice gives voice to the different and the marginalized, the voiceless — that's power. Imaginative journalism, gets TRPs.

These imaginative journalists serve as a public good, an indispensable pillar of our society, people who take us out of our boring lives into the world of fantasy. Thank you Indian Express, Scroll, Tehelka for your powerful imaginations and the joys they bring. I raise a glass to them, Glass of Nimbu Paani by the way, and to all of you, Jai Hind. Vande.. VANDE.. VANDEYY.. Chalo jaane do yaar, tumse na ho paayegaa.

***

(Modi's speech, as imagined by Gappistan Radio)

 

[Ray]

When one politician drowns in a river, it is POLLUTION.

When ALL Politicians drown in the river, it is SOLUTION.

 

[cobra commando]

 

[rockey 71]

May be an old one - - -

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"
He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft:"Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

 

[rockey 71]

One of best suspense jokes



A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by untilmidnighthe would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finallymidnightarrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting

 

[rockey 71]

http://www.ba-bamail.com/video_15421/Hilarious_Burlesque_Act_You_Have_to_Share_(Adult).aspx

 

[Apollyon]

(Please enter a message with at least 30 characters. What the f is this @LurkerBaba?)

 

[rock127]

(Please enter a message with at least 30 characters. What the f is this @LurkerBaba?)

I remember that Ashutosh was f***** badly by Arnoob many times.

Seems like the Ashutosh has got a Gahra Maansick Aghaat and issuing stupid and funny statements.

He should change his career as a stand up comedian.

 

[rockey 71]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much". That was very nice. Now listen very, very closely and read my lips: "Are - my - test - results - back"

 

[Anikastha]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much". That was very nice. Now listen very, very closely and read my lips: "Are - my - test - results - back"

Listen You are wonder kid...Hats off!!
From where do u get these jokes
Own or copied??

 

[Cliff@sea]

Three Hindus, a jnana yogi, a yoga-yogi, and a bhakti yogi, were together in a car crash and all were killed. Poof! They all appeared together at the Feet of Bhagavan.

First God asked the jnan-yogi, "So, what do you believe?"
The jnani replied, "I believe in your formless Brahman - so-aham!" God said, "Good, come sit on my side!"

Then God said to the bhakti yogi, "So, what do you believe?"
The Bhakta replied, "I believe in Your eternal service in Nitya-lila Vaikuntha!" God said, "Good, come sit on my other side!"

Then God said to the yoga-yogi, "So, what do you believe?"
The yogi replied, "I believe you are sitting on my throne."

 

[ankit_singhal]

Pakistan to immediately wave white flags after violating ceasefire in future
Published on January 2, 2015by indianpsycho

Islamabad. Shocked by the counter offensive from BSF troops in Samba sector of J&K that killed 4 of their army personnel, a terrified Pakistan has decided to immediately wave white flags after violating ceasefire in future.

“We are not used to such retaliations by India at all. So we were naturally taken in by surprise the other day. Henceforth we plan to be more proactive and careful,” as ISI official told Faking News.

When asked why don’t they just stop ceasefire violations once and for all, he claimed that they have become addicted to it just like sponsoring terrorism.


Pak soldiers participating in a mock drill of waving white flags.

Now as per the new plan of Pakistan, they would violate ceasefire, fire at Indian jawans, and immediately wave white flags before India starts retaliating.

This step is expected to work better than the bulletproof vests they bought from China.

“Contrary to whatever Shahid Afridi has to say, I think Indians (in particular their army and BSF) are quite large hearted and still get emotional and humane at times. We intend to exploit this weakness of theirs. I am sure once we wave white flags, they will stop and wont retaliate at all,” explained a confident sounding Pak army official, pointing to the latest incident where BSF stopped firing and allowed Pak to lift dead bodies of their soldiers.

A fresh stock of arms white flags has been ordered by Pakistan and it will be mandatory for Pakistani soldiers to carry one flag along with whatever arms and ammunition they are carrying. A Chinese company has already started making white flags.

Pakistan army however understands that carrying white flags, that too Made in China, alone doesn’t minimize all the risk.

“Since we are slaughteroholics and carry out our operations even during night, there is definitely a risk of India not being able to see the white flags waved by our jawans,” revealed a Pak ranger, “Or the color peels off due to bad quality.”

“So as a back up, our soldiers will also be carrying happydent gums and will wave their teeth after chewing them, in case white flags are not visible,” he went on to disclose.


http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com...te-flags-after-violating-ceasefire-in-future/

 

[rockey 71]

Listen You are wonder kid...Hats off!!
From where do u get these jokes
Own or copied??

Good to know you enjoy these. Don't bother about the origin.

 

[rockey 71]

The Elderly Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker

that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral,

as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

[Rowdy]

@Daredevil bro , can you fix the title case problem.... it formats the title case to make the first letter capital so that 2G comes out as 2g and USA as Usa

 

[rockey 71]

No1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep.
The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
**************************************


No2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
His son asked Dad why?
He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
****************...**********************


No3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband.
Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
************************************



No4
Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them,
Son: "What are you doing?" Ask the son.
Father: "I’m putting petrol on your Mom."
Son: "Haauu - Haauu! Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday."
Mother fainted!
**************************************


No5
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered:
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
**************************************


No6 - Classic
An 8 year old boy is accused of rape*.
In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your honor see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?
The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!"
**************************************

 

[cobra commando]

ehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue

 

[rockey 71]

ehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue

@ Ruchi Kokcha. Yep the RIGHT hole!!

@ TD. You may like to know at such times men get infra red vision as Heaven's gift. Haven't heard of anyone fumbling for the right target. After all opposites attract. Magnetism brings both parts together.