Jokes Thread

[manindra]

[video]https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s552x414/11082661_964632180228694_7833442423529296859_n.jpg ?oh=97269dcd42e9b2d45743fbbdfc0aa6d3&oe=55AF574E[/video]

 

[manindra]

अगर आप मरना चाहते हैं लेकिन आप मरने हेतु कुछ नए कारण व तरीके अपनाने के शौक़ीन हैं तो इन्हें अपनाए:
1. अपने लैपटॉप में Win-XP ऑपरेटिंग सिस्टम डाले, BSNL का ब्रॉडबैंड लगाए और इन्टरनेट एक्स्प्लोरर ब्राउज़र पर IRCTC की वेबसाइट पर तत्काल टिकट बुक करने का प्रयास करें, यकीन मानिए आप आत्महत्या कर लेंगे।
2. किसी म्यूजिक स्टोर से अनु मालिक व अल्ताफ राजा के गानों की CD ले आइये और उन्हें रात भर एक बंद कमरे में बैठ कर लगातार सुने, 100% गारंटी है सुबह आपकी लाश मिलेगी।
3. रविवार के दिन आराम से घर में बैठ कर सुबह 9 बजे से शाम के 5 बजे तक सोनी टीवी पर नॉनस्टॉप दिखाया जाने वाला शो "CID" देखें, सोमवार को आपके जनाजे में हम भी शिरकत करेंगे।
4. अगर आप तड़प-तड़प कर मरना चाहते हैं तो इन्टरनेट से दिग्विजय सिंहके सभी भाषणों को डाउनलोड कीजिये और रोज रात को कोई एक भाषण सुनिए, कसम दिग्गी राजा की आप तड़प-तड़प के मरेंगे।
5. अगर आप हँस-हँस के मरना चाहते हैं तो आप दो दिन लगातार बैठ कर राहुल गाँधी जी का भाषण या इंटरव्यू नॉनस्टॉप सुनते जाएँ आप बस हँसते-हँसते इस दुनिया को अलविदा कहेंगे।
6. अगर आप झल्लाहट से मरना छाते हैं तो बाज़ार जाकर दीपक तिजोरी, आदित्य पंचोली, राहुल रॉय व उदय चोपड़ा अभिनीत फिल्मो की DVD ले आइये और खुद को एक कुर्सी पर रस्सीसे बांध कर फिल्मे देखे। आपकी जान निकल जायेगी

 

[ladder]

Hilarious and yet hard hitting satire .. brought to you by 'Indian Parliament' !!!

[video]https://youtu.be/F-LD0XHoCuk[/video]

Full Speech.

 

[rockey 71]

This is an extract from Hillary Clinton's soon to be released autobiography,

'The Truth Will Always Prevail'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we visited India in 1995 we fell in love with the cuisine of that country. One meal in particular was totally awesome and we asked to meet the chef. We were introduced to this unassuming man named Savio Fernandes who came from the tiny coastal state of Goa. He explained how the entire meal from starters to dessert had been prepared in a uniquely Goan style. We were very impressed and asked the Cabinet Secretary if we could borrow the cook for a few months and take him to the USA to cook for us and our state guests for a while. They agreed and after a few weeks Savio joined our kitchen staff at the White House.
The Portuguese ambassador was expected for a State Dinner so we asked Chef Savio Fernandes to cook a twelve course meal for the ambassador and his entourage and in the process show off his unique Indo-Portuguese cuisine. Savio suggested that the piece de resistance would be something called Sorpatel & Sanna. Bill was a bit wary as Savio described it as a very spicy dish and Bill was having a bit of a stomach upset at the time. But in the end we told Savio to go ahead.
The dinner was a great hit with Savio presenting exotic dishes with names like Xacuti and Caldin and Feijado and Balchao and Vindaloo and Cafreal and Patoleo and Bebinca and what have you. Bill was particularly fascinated by the Sorpatel & Sanna and gorged away despite the delicate condition of his stomach. Just as we were saying our goodbyes it happened. Bill started getting severe cramps and nausea. He called aside the Chief of Staff and shouted at him, "Get rid of that Goan cook. Right now!". The Chief of Staff explained to Bill that proper protocol had to be followed or it would cause a diplomatic row. Bill shouted at him, "I am the President of the United States of America. If I want a chef sacked I can do it right now and don't need any of your protocols!"
Just then Bill had another attack of cramps and excused himself from the room and rushed towards the bathroom. By now he was so disoriented that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. Bill was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred
'THE TRUTH...whole truth and nothing but the Truth...!!

 

[Virendra]

 

[sydsnyper]

Funny Gag... it is all made up mind you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWO7CMF5otY

 

[rockey 71]

Know Your Audience...

A salesman returns from his assignment to Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him: "Why the long face?"

The salesman replied: "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure."

"Why is that?" Asked the friend, "I thought you had a good campaign running."

"Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the saudis. But I had a problem - I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhustion, he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

poster
Like

I had these posters were pasted all over the place. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing them."

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.

"The heck it should have!" said the salesman.

"Only no one told me they read from right to left!!"

BabaMail -Joke Today: Always Know Your Audience.

 

[rockey 71]

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN


A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

"And whose clocks are those two together?" asked the man.

"They are Nawaz Shareef's clock and Ishaq Dar's clock, said St. Peter.

'We're using them as TWO ceiling fans...:

 

[rockey 71]

HUSBAND WANTED:


A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to
get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL
APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a
grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you
have no legs!


The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms
either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can
never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are
you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and
said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

 

[mayfair]

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

Surely that was the end of the joke!!

 

[rockey 71]

HARLEY DAVID SON__ NEEDS AN INTELLIGENT RIDER









Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10
years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her . Nobody says a word. So he grabs her, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is quite flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs and screws her right there on the dinner table. She too is flustered, shocked but has a grin on her face & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.

But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the ----ing....... dishes!!

 

[JBH22]

Boss one of the funniest videos i saw. This Hollysh1t review kills

 

[rockey 71]

April 1st---a lil late for fools day--but still spicy..................





Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?


Old Lady:
I am 84 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
>
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
>
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
No! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot the little Bastard.

 

[rockey 71]

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not
knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to
him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into
his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing
great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Bangalorean]

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[Bangalorean]

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[Bangalorean]

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[Bangalorean]

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[Bangalorean]

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[Bangalorean]

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