Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
Oracle
New Member
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2010
- Messages
- 8,120
- Likes
- 1,566
A man went to buy organic vegetables from the market, because his wife had asked him to. Not finding any, he grabbed a tired looking employee at the store and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The tired sales guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
plugwater
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2009
- Messages
- 4,154
- Likes
- 1,081
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am,' the Sergeant Major said, 'Just serious by nature.'
'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, '1955.'
She said, 'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
After wards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
She said, 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am,' the Sergeant Major said, 'Just serious by nature.'
'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, '1955.'
She said, 'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
After wards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
plugwater
Senior Member
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2009
- Messages
- 4,154
- Likes
- 1,081
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
bhramos
Senior Member
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2009
- Messages
- 25,625
- Likes
- 37,236
An eye for an eye...
A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.
On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported: "I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly, coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who'd got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.
He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.
"And, there we were – in the middle of the road – shaking hands, when the f*****g bus hit us."
A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious on the left-hand side of the road.
On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported: "I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly, coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who'd got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.
He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.
"And, there we were – in the middle of the road – shaking hands, when the f*****g bus hit us."
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2009
- Messages
- 13,811
- Likes
- 6,734
God doesn't like Ukraine's new president... =xD
Last edited by a moderator:
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2009
- Messages
- 1,624
- Likes
- 423
French Missile Technology
The following video has been watched by 1,613,401 viewers.
The description in the first five seconds of the video is:
"French-Canadian Infantry firing a French made Eryx Anti-Tank Missile. This is a very impressive demonstration of French technology."
The following video has been watched by 1,613,401 viewers.
The description in the first five seconds of the video is:
"French-Canadian Infantry firing a French made Eryx Anti-Tank Missile. This is a very impressive demonstration of French technology."
Last edited by a moderator:
| Thread starter | Similar threads | Forum | Replies | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
History memes and Jokes thread | History & Culture | 33 | |
| D | Defence, Geopolitics memes and jokes | Military Multimedia | 10 | |
|
Memes & Jokes India China Standoff 2020 | Members Corner | 334 | |
|
Social Humour: Jokes on Ramdev after his inflammatory remark | Members Corner | 1 |
