Jokes Thread

[Daredevil]

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather
find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are
provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Daredevil]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give a lecture at this
hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

 

[Daredevil]

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down
next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of
bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out
of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple
minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest
replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and
apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in
the paper that the Pope does!"

 

[Daredevil]

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8.)A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22] I want it to be on record that I wll record my record
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them,
what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

[Daredevil]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f***ing business!"

 

[Daredevil]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to
sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the
woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold,
and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me
another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, I have a
better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD... Get your own blanket."

 

[Daredevil]

A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.
Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.
Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ??
Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

 

[Daredevil]

Girlfriend to Boyfriend:Now it is time we should marry.
Boyfriend: That's ok, but who will marry us.

 

[Daredevil]

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?
Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

 

[Daredevil]

There were three men going on a coach journey. 1 was white, 1 was black and the other was a Paki durin' da journey the black was eatin' some food from his country. Half way through eatin', he chucked it out da window.
The white man looked at him and asked "Why you chuckin it out?"
The black man replied "I've got plenty in my country."
The Paki man was then eatin' a chapati from his country. Halfway through eatin' he chucked it out of da window.
The white man asked " Why u chuckin' that away?"
The Paki man replied "I've got plenty in my country"
The white man chucked the Paki man out of the window.
The black man asked "Why you chuckin' him out?"
The white man replied "I've got plenty in my country!!"

 

[Daredevil]

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" Finally fed up the
Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!"

 

[Daredevil]

 

[Daredevil]

 

[Daredevil]

Biwi inspector sey - Merey pati 1 week pahley aaloo laaney gaye they, abhi tak nahi lautey.
Sardaar inspector - Toh bahanji, kucchh aur paka lo.

 

[Daredevil]

 

[Daredevil]

 

[Daredevil]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

 

[Daredevil]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

 

[Daredevil]

This disease can be contagious.....be careful!!!!

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today ... my doctor says I
suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What the hell is that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work today!"

 

[Daredevil]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a
rockin' bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."