Jokes Thread

[WMD]

 

[Ray]

Dumbfounded by a Blonde. Can you believe this !?!?!?!?!

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "how is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[Ray]

That's how those fights started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as A Christmas gift ... !

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year !"

And that's how the fight started ... !

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while We were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex ?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer ?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes ..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started ... !

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ... !

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he Hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ... !

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting To me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had Something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, Making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she Thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall Grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing Scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into The house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the Grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV ?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started ... !

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my Lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the Boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential Downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the Garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather Would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back Into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different Anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is Terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my Stupid husband is out fishing in that ?"

And that's how the fight started ... !

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in About 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started ...... !

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply For Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to Verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have To go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for Me and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at The Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started ... !

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible ; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started ........ !

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day !

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF !!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy !'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then ?'

That's how the fight started ....... !

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[W.G.Ewald]

i hate captcha

 

[Ash]

Friday Funnies

From an English Professor -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

 

[Razor]

i hate captcha

If it weren't for captcha, bots would bring down sites at will.
I love captcha

 

[W.G.Ewald]

The oldest joke I know it was old when I was a kid.

The prankster typically calls a store and asks if they have "Prince Albert in a can."

clerk responds "yes"...

...caller follows up with, "Well, you'd better let him out!"

 

[W.G.Ewald]

If it weren't for captcha, bots would bring down sites at will.
I love captcha

That's because your eyes are much younger than mine.

 

[cobra commando]

INDIA is a place where..
Anyone driving faster than you is..
"Saala yeh Pakka marega"
Anyone driving slower than you is
" Saala kutta, Gaadi Chalani ni aati
ise" !!
And
Anyone Driving Parallel to you is
"Apne Baap se Race Lagayega Tu" :car:

 

[Ganesh2691]

[video=facebook;1515138634840]http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1515138634840[/video]

 

[Tolaha]

^^ Anyone driving faster than me is a crazy maniac who shouldn't be let near automobiles!
The ones driving slower than me are moronic imbeciles who shouldn't be let on the roads!
Anyone driving in parallel with me? Death match!!!!

 

[cobra commando]

^^ Anyone driving faster than me is a crazy maniac who shouldn't be let near automobiles!
The ones driving slower than me are moronic imbeciles who shouldn't be let on the roads!
Anyone driving in parallel with me? Death match!!!!

That'll be a 'Female' i guess

 

[Daredevil]

i hate captcha

Captcha has two uses.

1) It stops spam

2) It helps curating old books whose words may not machine-readable. If you observe there are always two words given in captcha, one is a normal text and the other one is a word from an old book. The first one is used to test if you are spam or not and the second one used to curate the illegible words of the book.

The guy who came up with this idea made millions.