Jokes Thread

[Rahul92]

 

[Rahul92]

 

[Rahul92]

 

[sayareakd]

How to catch Pirates !!

Chines fishing boat caught by Japan Coast Guard.

 

[sayareakd]

 

[arkem8]

 

[Rahul92]

 

[Ash]

A man sat in a bus when a gorgeous woman came and sat next to him and she starts breast-feeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says ''Come on, have it or I'll give it to this nice man''.

10 minutes later the baby still won't breast-feed, so she says again ''Come on darling, have it or I'll give it to this nice man!''

To which the man replies "Listen lady, could you make up your mind, I should have gotten off 4 stops ago''.

 

[LurkerBaba]

 

[Cliff@sea]

 

[Cliff@sea]

 

[Cliff@sea]

 

[Tolaha]

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[Yusuf]

.......

 

[LurkerBaba]

 

[Yusuf]

The Bathtub Test:

During a visit 2 a 'Mental Hospital' journalist askd the Director: "How do u determine whthr 2 admit a patient or not?"

Director: "Well, we fill a Bathtub,

then v give a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the patient & ask him to empty the Bathtub."

The journalist said: "oh, a normal person would use the bucket coz its bigger, right!"

Director: "No! A normal person wud pull the Drain Plug".

Now tell me which bed u want?

 

[Yusuf]

A diary entry by a man -
Last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me...

She Finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her..😝😄

 

[Yusuf]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop & asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.'The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy....
'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around at the shop & said,
'About 3 hours.'The guy left.
A week later,the same guy stuck his head in the shop & asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?The barber looked around the shop & said,
'About an hour & a half .The guy left.The barber turned to his friend & said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him & see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your House!'...

 

[Yusuf]

.......

 

[Apollyon]