Jokes Thread

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

[Virendra]

SpiderMan 5 promo :-

 

[maomao]

lol hahahaha very common situation!!

 

[Kunal Biswas]

 

[Kunal Biswas]

 

[Kunal Biswas]

 

[Yusuf]

A Wife is like a TV * - *
A Girlfriend is like a MOBILE *

At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE

TV once bought, you can watch free (to air) for life, but for MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated!

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old! But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable

Men keep a TV for long period but like to change their MOBILE very often.

Operational costs for the TV are often acceptable, but for MOBILE it is often high and demanding

TV can be sometimes boring, thats when men reach out for a MOBILE to play GAMES

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't

And the best of all:

MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST ONLY LISTEN.

 

[Yusuf]

A man to a doctor: My wife is pregnant but I used protection.

Doctor: Ek kahani suno...
Ek shikari ek din gun ki jagah umbrella le gaya, achanak lion samne aaya to usne umbrella ka handle khicha aur fire kiya... Lion wahi mar gaya...

Man: Impossible! Kissi aur ne goli mari hogi.

Doctor: Exactly!

 

[Scalieback]

SOME DAYS ARE DIAMONDS...SOME DAYS ARE STONES.










WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:





Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it

And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .



EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..



MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 

[Scalieback]

MOUSE CALIBRATION FOR 2012

You should actually do this every year. Even more often if you spend a lot of time on the computer.
This was recommended by Kim Komando (the computer guru) in one of her recent emails.

I was surprised to see how well it works, and how far off mine was.

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the capital S below, then drag it toward the small g. If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.

Sh1t!!! You'll believe anything

FEEL FREE TO RECOMMEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONCE YOU SEE HOW MUCH SMOOTHER
AND BETTER THE MOUSE WORKS AFTER BEING CALIBRATED. AMAZING!

 

[Scalieback]

 

[Scalieback]

[video]http://www.youtube.com/v/316AzLYfAzw%26autoplay%3d1%26rel%3d0[/video]

 

[Scalieback]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?"

The fourth man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said "What a shame... What a disappointment.."

The fourth man replied "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

[Yusuf]

......

 

[Yusuf]

Common sense is not a gift. It is a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesnt have it-!

 

[W.G.Ewald]

Common sense is not a gift. It is a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesnt have it-!

Not, strictly speaking, a joke. :-(

 

[LETHALFORCE]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[LETHALFORCE]

Pakistanis burning US flag