Jokes Thread

[Mikesingh]

Here's one for the road.....

 

[rockey 71]

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:
"Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?"

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."

 

[Dark Sorrow]

A really funny ALS ICE Bucket Challenge :

 

[Indx TechStyle]

ज़्यादा होशियारी दिखाने का परिणाम
:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

 

[Indx TechStyle]

Evolution of womankind.

 

[Indx TechStyle]

Jago grahak, jago

 

[Indx TechStyle]

[दुर्योधन और राहुल गांधी -
दोनों ही अयोग्य होने पर भी सिर्फ राजपरिवार में पैदा होने के कारन शासन पर अपना अधिकार समझते हैं।

भीष्म और आडवाणी -
कभी भी सत्तारूढ़ नही हो सके फिर भी सबसे ज्यादा सम्मान मिला। उसके बाद भी जीवन के अंतिम पड़ाव पे सबसे ज्यादा असहाय दिखते हैं।

अर्जुन और नरेंद्र मोदी-
दोनों योग्यता से धर्मं के मार्ग पर चलते हुए शीर्ष पर पहुचे जहाँ उनको एहसास हुआ की धर्म का पालन कर पाना कितना कठिन होता है।

कर्ण और मनमोहन सिंह -
बुद्धिमान और योग्य होते हुए भी अधर्म का पक्ष लेने के कारण जीवन में वांछित सफलता न पा सके।

जयद्रथ और केजरीवाल-
दोनों अति महत्वाकांक्षी एक ने अर्जुन का विरोध किया दूसरे ने मोदी का। हालांकि इनको राज्य तो प्राप्त हुआ लेकिन घटिया राजनीतिक सोच के कारण बाद में इनकी बुराई ही हुयी।

शकुनि और दिग्विजय-
दोनों ही अपने स्वार्थ के लिए अयोग्य मालिको की जीवनभर चाटुकारिता करते रहे।

धृतराष्ट्र और सोनिया -
अपने पुत्र प्रेम में अंधे है।

श्रीकृष्ण और कलाम-
भारत में दोनों को बहुत सम्मान दिया जाता है परन्तु न उनकी शिक्षाओं को कोई मानता है और न उनके बताये रास्ते का अनुसरण करता है।

।। यह है भारत और वह था महाभारत ।।]

 

[Indx TechStyle]

चार Ka चमत्कार
Hum भारतीयों के Jeevan में 4 नंबर का महत्व

जैसे

4 Din की चांदनी Fir अंधेरी Raat :


4 किताबें पढ़ क्या लीं खुद को गवर्नर समजता है

4 Paise कमाओगे Tab Pata चलेगा।


4-4 आने में Bikti है Aaj के दौर में ईमानदारी


आखिर Humari भी 4 Logo में Izzat है


Ye बात 4 Log सुनेंगे तो Kya सोचेंगे।


4 Dino Ki आई हुई बहू के Aise तेवर


4 Din तो दुकान में Tik kar बैठ जाओ

Wo आई और 4 Baatein Suna kar चली गई

Tumse क्या 4 Kadam भी नहीं चला नहीं जाता।

और Last में

4 बोतल Vodka काम मेरा Roz का
Na mujhko koi roke. Na kisi ne toka.........

 

[rockey 71]

Joke: I'm Just Heading Out To The Doctor's, Dear...

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from his couch, then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, observing her husband's odd behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"



He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."



She says, "Why, are you sick?"



He says, "Nope, I'm going to get some Viagra."

Immediately the wife starts positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins putting her coat on.



He asks, "Where the hell are you going?"



She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."



He says, "Why, what do you need?"





She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

[DingDong]

She is sending a message, any takers?

 

[rockey 71]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesiais decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I am off to do some research in Guam!!

 

[VaghaDeva]

I saw this a few months ago

 

[VaghaDeva]

Heres to the kid that thought that Gujarat was bigger than the United Kingdom.

 

[k murali]

"நீங்க வருமானத்துக்கு மேலே சொத்து சேர்த்திருக்கிறதா பேசிக்கறாங்களே.." "ஐயையோ! அது பச்சைப் பொய், எனக்கு வருமானமே கிடையாது.. சொத்து மட்டும்தான் சேர்க்கறேன்"

 

[rockey 71]

A Joke About a Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were alright. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the son, 'I was playing with myself and accidentally shot the dog.'

 

[Indx TechStyle]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesiais decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I am off to do some research in Guam!!

Guam is worst.
Now, I'm also gonna collect some their great laws. We can create an entire thread over awkward and CH*tiyppa laws around the world.

 

[Indx TechStyle]

@rockey 71 This blogger says something else.
http://www.jamesjheaney.com/2013/03/13/no-it-is-not-illegal-to-marry-a-virgin-in-guam/

 

[rockey 71]

@rockey 71 This blogger says something else.
http://www.jamesjheaney.com/2013/03/13/no-it-is-not-illegal-to-marry-a-virgin-in-guam/

That would be bad news for many!

 

[DingDong]

.....................................................................................

 

[VaghaDeva]

Somewhere in Jalandhar