niharjhatn
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
Virendra
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Cross posting military humor from BR.
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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland NOT installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm (feet per minute) descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
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(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
=====================================================================
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland NOT installed on this aircraft
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm (feet per minute) descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
trackwhack
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Amit, hope you know that this is HumanCentiPAD. If you dont you must watch Southpark Season 15 episode 1 or 2 (I dont remember which)
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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money-back!
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This is how I heard it:
There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second was a lousy lover, bad in bed. Her third husband was a great in bed, never harmed her, but ran away!
She advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not run away, and great in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she looked out did not see anyone. She opened the door and there sat a Marine combat veteran in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
The lady asked, "may I help you?"
The Marine replied, "I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband."
She said, "I can see that you will not be able to punch me or run away, but tell me how you can be good in bed."
The Marine replied, "and how do think I rang the door bell, Lady!"
There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second was a lousy lover, bad in bed. Her third husband was a great in bed, never harmed her, but ran away!
She advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not run away, and great in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she looked out did not see anyone. She opened the door and there sat a Marine combat veteran in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
The lady asked, "may I help you?"
The Marine replied, "I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband."
She said, "I can see that you will not be able to punch me or run away, but tell me how you can be good in bed."
The Marine replied, "and how do think I rang the door bell, Lady!"
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A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears.
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Polish Joke
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
Virendra
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LOL I know why you posted it. For others benefit, let me explain.
Watch their search patterns
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Involuntary Muscle Control
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
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Camel, DOG, donkey????!!!! Is the sex ratio in that country that terrible.LOL I know why you posted it. For others benefit, let me explain.
Watch their search patterns
Last edited by a moderator:
One Rajnikant was putting his Dogs tail into a pipe
Raj Kumar saw this and said: Jaani, Yeh Bachchon Kha Khel Nahin. Your Dogs tail wont become straight. Ha Ha Ha Ha....
Rajnikant : Yenna Rascala, This is my Dog, Rajnikant's dog, I am bending the pipe with his tail.
Raj Kumar saw this and said: Jaani, Yeh Bachchon Kha Khel Nahin. Your Dogs tail wont become straight. Ha Ha Ha Ha....
Rajnikant : Yenna Rascala, This is my Dog, Rajnikant's dog, I am bending the pipe with his tail.
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