Jokes Thread

[amitkriit]

Scariest Date Ever

Went on a date with a girl from OKCupid. The date was going OK for a while, until she mentioned that she hated her roommate, who was a guy.

After questioning her some more about why she hated her roommate, I learned that she spent time in jail because she assaulted him. She then told me that it was OK because she got him back.

How? She got him robbed. Yes, she got her roommate robbed.

How you may ask? I had the same question... apparently she told a friend when the apartment would be empty (apparently he had a habit of not locking the door anyway) and told her friend which rooms to steal stuff out of.

Later on in the date she threatened (without provocation) that if I ever wronged her she would get me back. She really came out of nowhere with that one.

Worse yet, she went on to describe how she would get me back. It went something like this:

"I'll find a cute girl to get your attention and start talking to you so you'll be all distracted. Then I'll get a big black guy to tackle you to the ground and rape you."

Worst of all I had let her pick me up for the date because I had just returned from Iraq and didn't have an operating car at the time. I had planned on riding my bicycle to meet her somewhere, but she insisted and I relented and let her pick me up.

So then, I was stuck with a psycho-crazy woman who was preemptively threatening to have me raped and had no way to leave without creating an even more awkward situation.

I decided to just try to survive until the date was over without ending it too abruptly, so I suggested we go to a bar for some live music. I figured the best way to prepare for something bad happening was to get drunk beforehand. I got a whiskey and a few beers in me right quick. After an hour or so at the bar I decided we should call it a night and convinced her to drop me off back at my place.

As she dropped me off at my place she shut off the car and got out with me at the same time. We had a really awkward 10 minute or so conversation just kept dragging on and on because she wouldn't let it die. She refused to acknowledge any of the cue phrases that normally indicate the end of a conversation. "Ok, alright, well, it was fun, it's getting late, etc." Finally I just rattled off every conversation ender I could think of all in a row and started to make my leave. She blocked me and started leaning in for a kiss.

I brushed my lips briefly on her cheek, told her "Drive home safe!" and got the hey out of there!

Scariest. Date. Ever.

Thankfully, I haven't heard from her again (except for the first day after the date, which is another story altogether)

 

[W.G.Ewald]

amitkriit, can you get a refund from OKCupid?

 

[SpArK]

 

[utubekhiladi]

So, these four 4 stars from each branch of service are having a discussion on which one of their branches have the most balls. It gets heated and there's no real way to prove it so the Army general finally says, "Come with me guys, I'll show you something."

So, they head over to the nearest army base and the General finds the first soldier he runs accross. He says, "Soldier, I want you to take your rifle and shoot yourself dead!!"
The soldier sounds off, "YES SIR!" He pulls the rifle to his head and fires!
The general says, "THAT takes balls."

The Air Force general says, "That's nothing, lets go." They head to the nearest AF base where the General finds the first pilot he can and says,"Captain, I want you to fly your jet into that mountain range and burn yourself alive!" The pilot sounds off, "YES SIR!" and does so without thinking. He dies a fiery death.
The general, "THAT takes balls."

The Marine Corp General, not to be outdone, says, "Come with me boys, I've got you beat"
So, they head over to the nearest marine corp base and the General finds the first marine he runs accross. He says, "MARINE, I want you to lie down under that tank and let it CRUSH YOU feet first!"
The marine sounds off, "YES SIR!" He lays under the tank, it crushes him dead.
The General, "NOW THAT TAKES BALLS FAG****TS!"

They all looked at the Navy Admiral.,
Without pause he says, "You guys need to see this."
They stepped aboard the USS Kitty Hawk and the Admiral looks up and finds a sailor working aloft over 100 ft in the air.
He yells up, "SAILOR! I want you to jump down and kill yourself!"

Without hesitation the sailor calls back, "SIR, with all due respect GO F**K YOURSELF!"
The Admiral says, Now THAT takes balls boys."

 

[utubekhiladi]

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

 

[utubekhiladi]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

[utubekhiladi]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

 

[utubekhiladi]

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

 

[utubekhiladi]

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

 

[utubekhiladi]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

 

[utubekhiladi]

look at the picture..and concentrate

 

[W.G.Ewald]

Welcum to My Trailer Park!

 

[KS]

Sorry you have officially made fun of the toughe- than-nails, makes-you-shit-bricks TN traffic police dept.

No more Mullai Pariyar

 

[mayfair]

Sorry you have officially made fun of the toughe- than-nails, makes-you-shit-bricks TN traffic police dept.

No more Mullai Pariyar

What then? Periya Mulai??

 

[ALBY]

What then? Periya Mulai??

:thumb::thumb::thumb:

 

[KS]

FB status from Tajinder Pal Singh Bagga

After Pawar was slapped inflation has come down to 9% from 10.8%, sensex jumped 400 points and Rupee appreciated by 23 paise, Petrol price reduced by 78 Paise!! Have we found the Ultimate Economic Solution?!! THOKPAL ROCKS.....

 

[ALBY]

 

[Dovah]

^^ dude is the guy on the 1980 pic kissing or eating her?

 

[SpArK]

 

[W.G.Ewald]

ROFL! Y'all know there is a Kolaveri di ringtone, right?

(Still watching, still ROFL!)