Jokes Thread

[cobra commando]

 

[cobra commando]

 

[Ray]

 

[Ray]

 

[Ray]

 

[arnabmit]

Sir, these images probably hotlinked to your yahoo mail... we would not be able to see them as they are protected by your yahoo login.

 

[aragorn]

Sir, these images probably hotlinked to your yahoo mail... we would not be able to see them as they are protected by your yahoo login.

Yeah, It would be easier for us if you share your yahoo login id and password. We will see it and then comment here

 

[drkrn]

A journalist goes to Russia for documentary.

In a little village he sees an old man and asks him, "Can you tell me your most beautiful memory in this village?"

The old man smiles and starts his story, "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka and look for the goat. When we finally found her, as of tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to f**k the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist thinks it would be quite inapropriate to publish such a story so he asks the old man if he doesn't have another story.

The old man smiles again and says, "Once, my neighbour's wife got lost in the mountains. As of tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then go look for her. As of tradition, when we finally mher, all the men in the village got their turn with the neighbour's wife. We had great fun !!"

Journalist, "Ummm... Don't you have anything umm... sadder ?

The old man acquires a very sad expression and says, "One day I got lost in the mountains......"

 

[drkrn]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

[drkrn]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[drkrn]

Doctor returns to his clinic after a day off and asks his assistant Santa about his patients.

Santa: 1st patient came with headache. I gave him Saridon.

Doctor: Good Job.

Santa: 2nd with running nose and I gave him Coldarin.

Doctor: Good job again!

Santa: 3rd patient was a lady. She took-off her clothes on the bed, opened her legs and said, "Help me, I have not seen a Man for last 5 months".

Surprised Doctor,"What did you do then"?

Santa: I put Ciplox eye drops in her eyes.

 

[drkrn]

Medical College Professor to a girl student: "Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size?"

Girl Student: "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarassing.

Professor asked the same question to a Male Student."

Male Student: "It's the Pupil of an human eye."

Professor: "Correct."

Then Professor turned to the female student and said, "Listen baby, Not only your thinking is wrong but your expectations are also very high...

 

[drkrn]

Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."

Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still."

Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy?"

Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."

Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."

Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"

Police: "You don't need protection."

Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."

Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."

Gym trainer: "Push harder."

Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."

Telephone Guy: "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!!

 

[arnabmit]

A mom asked her elder kid to explain Diwali to his bro...

He replied:
"So luk, this dude Ram had, like a big kingdom, & people liked him
Bt, like his step mom or sumthin, was kinda bitch and she forcd her hubby to send this Ram to sum jungle or sumthin.. Coz he was goin for 14yrs, So his wife n bro got along..(U knw just 2 chill) Bt dude forest was real scary shit.. Was full of devils n shit like dat,
Bt dis dude killed thm wid arrows.. Bt den sum bad gangsta- Ravan pickd up his babe sita.. Dis Dude n his bro got pissd off.. So dey got an army of monkeys.. dnt ask hw... Attackd dem, got d babe n returnd home..
People thot atleast dey deserv sumthn Dey had no bars or clubs or smoke stuff to party... So they lit lamps.. N this is how it all started..

MOM FAINTED

Gen-Z Zindabaad!!!

 

[Dovah]

"We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here'" says the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

From YT. ..........

 

[JBH22]

Prime Ministers of India
Jawaharlal Nehru proved that a rich man can become the country's Prime Minister;

Lal Bahadur Shastri proved that a poor man can become the Prime Minister;

Indira Gandhi proved that a woman can become the Prime Minister;

Morarji Desai proved that an old man can become the Prime Minister;

Rajiv Gandhi proved that a young man can become the Prime Minister;

I.K. Gujral proved that a gentleman can become the Prime Minister;

Deve Gowda proved just about anybody can become the Prime Minister;

Manmohan Singh has proved that India does not need a Prime Minister!

 

[Razor]

From YT. ..........

hahaha.
Wait, neutrinos can be super-luminal ?

 

[Dovah]

hahaha.
Wait, neutrinos can be super-luminal ?

No but probably this joke was crafted when there was news that some researchers had disproved relativity by discovering faster than light neutrinos a few months. Turned out to be false, equipment malfunction of some sort.

 

[VIP]

oooooooooooooooooooo.......

 

[JBH22]

LeT announces indefinite suspension of hostility towards India until "they get their shit together"

In a stunning climb down from its hostility towards India, Lashkar-e-Taiba today announced that it "will indefinitely postpone any attacks on India until the country's infrastructure improves." A spokesman for the group which is believed to have launched attacks on the Indian Parliament and on the Taj Hotel in Mumbai said, "The truth of the matter is that we have no idea what to attack any more. We have run out of targets. At the moment, the cost of each of our operations is more than the value of the target, which is unviable to our model. Until the government of India invests in significant improvement of the country's infrastructure, we plan to disband our operations and will lie low for as long as it takes."

Coming down heavily on the Indian government, the spokesman for the terrorist group bemoaned the government's complete disregard for planning and lack of execution skills in completing projects on time. "According to Mr. Pankaj Pachauri, the government's media adviser, the UPA government has laid only 2 lakh kilometers of roads, which is a mere 20 percent cumulative increase over the last nine years. Please compare this with the previous NDA government which built more roads than any other government in the history of India, and you'll know what I'm talking about. We find a 2% YoY growth in roads completely unacceptable especially when your economy has been growing by 6-8% YoY in the same period. We haven't seen any new airports come up outside of the metros in Tier 2 cities, which are normally excellent soft targets for us. Take Bangalore. The roads are pathetic. It takes 2 hours from the airport to the hotel, and an hour to get from anywhere to anywhere in the city. We have found it impossible to reliably execute our plans in such a place. New IITs and IISERs are great, but we'd like to see more push and commitment towards building nuclear power plants, airports and public parks in the years to come. To be perfectly honest, at this point we're all kind of secretly rooting for NDA to come back to power in 2014," he said in the most scathing attack on the UPA government by a foreign terrorist organization in recent times.

A video released by LeT later in the day on YouTube blasted the UPA government for "being the most scam ridden government in the history of mankind and completely incapable of getting anything done," and called on the people of India "to vote the buggers out." The video also went on to highlight several promises which have not been kept by the government such as bullet trains and port upgrades, and claimed that this had seriously impacted the terrorist organization's ability to engage in any kind of planning of their own. Hafiz Saeed, leader of the group, is seen making an impassioned plea in the video saying, "We're suspending hostilities until you guys get your shit together. We, as much as any other terrorist group, would love to poison your school lunches and generally cause chaos and mayhem in your country. But it looks like your guys have beaten us to that as well."

In other news, IRCTC outlined an ambitious vision to enter the brick-and-mortar retail segment, in which it aims to build the world's largest chain of inconvenience stores.

LeT announces indefinite suspension of hostility towards India until "they get their shit together" | The UnReal Times