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What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of...

While Mohandas Gandhi was studying law at the University College London, he had a professor, named Peters, who had an unexplained animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never backed down, their "arguments" were very common. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room at the...

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's...

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a...

IRISH SAUSAGES Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And that's how the fight started..... I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total ... Stranger...

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!"

Advice for older, possibly retired guys.... An older guy was working out at the gym when heI spotted a sweet young thing walking in..... He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him over and said; "I...

Life ends when you stop dreaming... Hope ends when you stop believing... Love ends when you stop caring... and Friendship ends when you stop sharing! A Indian farmer walking through his field notices a foreigner using one hand to scoop and drink water from an unclean pond. The...

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him...

Friend 1 -" Do you ever look at your wife's face when you make love" friend 2 - "I did once and saw the anger in her face" Friend 1 - "Why anger?" Friend 2 -"Because she was watching from outside the window"

Friend 1- "My wife left me last Wednesday...she said she is going out for milk and never came back" Friend 2- "Bugger...how are you coping?" Friend 1 - "Not bad , I'm using the powdered stuff"

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale. And then the fight started..

The wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold......... God knows what she was on about!!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his...

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner . 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go...