Jokes Thread

[Peter]

For any one wanting to goto KMR section of JU

 

[kseeker]

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep $h!t."

 

[Dark Sorrow]

 

[Dark Sorrow]

 

[cobra commando]

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I
cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave thecourt, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is
crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor!
I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was fu©king Goofy!

 

[W.G.Ewald]

Ship's Master's Report of an Incident While Under Pilotage

To the Managing Director

Sir:
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you - regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to
the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this before forming any opinions based on reports
in the world press, which I am sure will tend to over dramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the harbour pilot, and the apprentice had just returned from changing the "G" flag for the
"H" and, this being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the "G" flag up. I, therefore, proceeded to show
him how. Coming to the last part, to which he was clinging somewhat tenaciously, I told him to "let go." The lad,
though willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the chart room where he had been plotting the vessel's progress,
and thinking that it was the anchors being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the Third Officer on the forecastle.
The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor
drop from the 'pipe' whilst the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake
and the entire length of the port anchor chain was pulled out by the roots. I fear that damage to the chain locker
may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction,
straight toward a swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up with we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he
did not think to stop vehicular traffic first, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up
the contents of the latter which, from the noise, I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop progress of the vessel,
the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor; too late to be of any practical use for it fell on the swing bridge
operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring Full Astern on the engine
room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there would be a film tonight; my reply would not add
constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined this report to activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having
their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making
fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's after spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the
moment when the propeller was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in
securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing
the safe abandoning of that craft.
It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power failure ashore. The
fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at that time might suggest that we may have touched something on
the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live,
possibly having been replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say just
where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot, for
instance, is at this moment huddled in a corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after
having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The
tug captain, on the other hand, reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him
handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which
the Second Officer collected after the somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable
you to claim for the damage that they did to the railings of the No. 1 hold.
I am closing the preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the
sound of police car sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags
after dark, none of this would have happened.
Yours truly,
Master

 

[Cliff@sea]

Child's doodle skills on passport leaves family stranded abroad





Every child has a latent talent, and this one loves to doodle! But the only tiny problem is, this child does not understand much difference between a colouring book and a passport.

That's right"¦ A four-year old kid from China exhibited his little piece of art on his father's passport while the two were in South Korea for a trip.The child used the passport as a coloring book and colored into his father's eyes, and drew him whiskers and a beard. This in turn left his father stranded in the country, who had to then approach the Chinese Embassy.

Lesson learnt: Keep your little Picassos away from your passports.

 

[kseeker]

Child's doodle skills on passport leaves family stranded abroad






Every child has a latent talent, and this one loves to doodle! But the only tiny problem is, this child does not understand much difference between a colouring book and a passport.

That's right"¦ A four-year old kid from China exhibited his little piece of art on his father's passport while the two were in South Korea for a trip.The child used the passport as a coloring book and colored into his father's eyes, and drew him whiskers and a beard. This in turn left his father stranded in the country, who had to then approach the Chinese Embassy.

Lesson learnt: Keep your little Picassos away from your passports.

Poor child , son must have got nice spanking from his dad

 

[abhi_the _gr8_maratha]

why wall of china is a wonder of world ?
.
cause its only chinese thing that lasted so long!

 

[arnabmit]

 

[Ash]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

 

[Cadian]

A new modification of an Ukrainian APC has been spotted on the outskirts of Slavyansk - BTR-4-WoS*

http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/lexa74/15028564/24750/24750_600.jpg

 

[cobra commando]

Skoda laura is an excellent car !

But people who have bought it are facing some very embarrasing moments.

For example. Client to bank
manager-: "Sirji ek laura finance karana tha. Laure pe interest kya chal raha hai.

After taking delivery. Wife ne laura ki arti utari. aur phir pura parivar Laure pe baitH ke icecream khaane gaya.

Malkin. To driver- *Driver Laura nikalo.

driver to malik- *sahab Laura dho doon

And last but not not the least.....
Neighbours :- Bete ki baraat to sharma ji ke Laure pe nikalunga.
kyu sharmaji! Aapko koi takleef to
nahi hogi !!!!!
Skoda Laura now available in Garlic Color. To be called Laura
Lassun ..

 

[Illusive]

 

[Warhawk]

 

[Ajesh]

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

 

[Ashutosh Lokhande]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_dF_5l41aQ

 

[Ashutosh Lokhande]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqQs7awh_FA

 

[W.G.Ewald]

A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when

you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your breasts dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it

looks like I did a pretty good Job!!

 

[Cadian]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BrwnSdxIIAAIFdD.jpg