Jokes Thread

[kseeker]

AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

 

[kseeker]

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well mate," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

 

[Kunal Biswas]

 

[aragorn]

Salman Khurshid said" Modi Napunsak hai"
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Someone replied "bossdk modi se desh chalwana hai ya apni maa chudwani hai"

 

[kseeker]

Question: What is the the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer: Princess Diana's Death :shocked:

Question: How come?

Answer: An English Princess with an Egyption boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish Whisky followed closely by Italian Paparazzis in Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazillian medicines.

And moreover this is posted by an Indian using using a Chinese made laptop installed with an American Operating System and you probably are reading this on your smart phone or tab or a PC, that uses Taiwanese Chips and a Korean screen assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore or Malaysian plant, transported by Al Bakistani truck drivers.....

That is called GLOBALISATION

 

[ubuntu]

https://twitter.com/GarbageBinGags/status/440852695029526529/photo/1

 

[ubuntu]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bh45ML4CMAAici-.jpg

 

[Peter]

Photoshop fail? 5 insanely hilarious poster tributes to Tamil Nadu CM Jayalalithaa showing world leaders bowing before her

 

[ubuntu]

 

[ubuntu]

 

[AVERAGE INDIAN]

real incident but the situation is funny

Pro-Russian population in Lugansk (Eastern Ukraine) gets rid of euromaidan in their city,

 

[cobra commando]

Did you hear about the Polack who went to the doctor and asked
him for advice on how to improve his sex life?

The doctor told him to jog ten miles a day, for seven days. Then call him.

A week later, the Polack
telephoned.

"Well," asked the doctor,

"has
jogging improved your sex life?"

"I don't know," said the Polack. "I'm seventy miles from home."

 

[cobra commando]

Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak are having trouble finding a room for the night. After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn. They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night. But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the
door. They open the door and there is the Indian.
"I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian, "I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep
under the same roof as one."
The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn. But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew.
"I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew, "there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher." So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn.
But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and
there is the cow and the pig.

 

[cobra commando]

A ship sank in the Pacific Ocean.
The only survivors on a lone life
raft were the captain, a German, a
Frenchman, and a Polack.
"Men, there is only room for two
of you," announced the captain.
"I'm not going to play favorites.
You are all equal. To decide who
must leave the life raft I will ask
each a question. The man who
can't answer the question will
have to drown."
"Now," said the captain to the
German. "What was the greatest
sea disaster?"
"The Titanic," answered the
German.
"Correct! You can stay! Then to
the Frenchman: "Approximately
how many people were lost?"
"3,286," replied the Frenchman.
"Close enough! You too can stay!"
Now to the Polack: "Name them!"

 

[W.G.Ewald]

 

[Ash]

While Mohandas Gandhi was studying law at the University College London, he had a professor, named Peters, who had an unexplained animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never backed down, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room at the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr. Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat," to which Gandhi replied , "Don't worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Prof. Peters, now red with rage, planned his revenge on the next test . When the test was taken Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Finally, Prof. Peters asked him, "Mr. Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
" Well each one must take what one doesn't have," responded Gandhi indifferently.

Prof. Peters, by now almost hysterical , scribbled the word "idiot" on the sheet and shoved it at Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes up to the professor and says, " Prof. Peters, you've signed the sheet, but you haven't given me my grade !"

 

[arnabmit]

[tweet]446407761178275840[/tweet]

 

[aragorn]

Whenever Kejriwal visits a city, i'm reminded of the days when they used to announce through loudspeakers



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"Gemini Circus ab aap ke shahar me"

 

[ubuntu]

wanna hear a joke...PAK BATTING LINE UP

 

[cobra commando]

Meanwhile somewhere in China a gentleman by the name "Ho Li"
is still confused why billions of Indians want him to be
Happy !!