Jokes Thread
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A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Pakistani !"
The next day the newspapers says: "Pakistani extremist kills an innocent American dog."
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Pakistani !"
The next day the newspapers says: "Pakistani extremist kills an innocent American dog."
Three strangers at the Great Falls airport are awaiting their flights.
One is a Native American on his way to Helena for a statewide Indian Pow-Wow.
Another a ranch hand on his way to Billings Montana for a stock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived, and on his way to study engineering at Montana Tech.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and believes his people are justified in their 'holy' war.
The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks:" Once, my people were many, now we are few."
The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson Cowboy Hat says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet boy."
One is a Native American on his way to Helena for a statewide Indian Pow-Wow.
Another a ranch hand on his way to Billings Montana for a stock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived, and on his way to study engineering at Montana Tech.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and believes his people are justified in their 'holy' war.
The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks:" Once, my people were many, now we are few."
The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson Cowboy Hat says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet boy."
Ash
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Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionnally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you'.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionnally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F you'.
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least...
The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
A Guy in a hurry went to the ladies toilet in a posh hotel..
He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much..!!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it ....
He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling pampered..
He decided to press the last button APR[/B.
He later woke up in a hospital.
A Nurse smiled & said to him "Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there huh ?
He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much..!!
He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it ....
He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling pampered..
He decided to press the last button APR[/B.
He later woke up in a hospital.
A Nurse smiled & said to him "Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there huh ?
It's two days before thanksgiving. A young boy wakes up, and, upon walking across the hall to his parents' room, hears them talking about last night's sex. But the only words he can make out through the door are 'dicks' and 'vaginas.'
He opens the door and immediately asks, "Mommy, Daddy, what are dicks and vaginas?"
His dad quickly answers, "They're just fancy words for hats and coats." Satisfied with this, the boy leaves the room.
Later that day, while his mom was prepping a turkey that she had just bought, she accidentally cut herself and immediately shouted out, "fcuk!"
Upon hearing this, the young boy rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, what does ---- mean?"
She quickly responds, "it's just a way of cooking the turkey"
Now, it is thanksgiving day, and the father is shaving, when he accidentally cuts himself, and yells out "SHIT"
The young boy rushes in and asks, "daddy, what does shit mean?"
Thinking fast, his dad says, "it's just the brand of shaving cream I'm using." And then the doorbell rang. The young boy's dad told him to get the door.
The boy rushed to the door, opened it, and, upon seeing his guests, said "Good evening. May I take your dicks and vaginas please? My mom is In the kitchen, fcuking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs, scraping the shit off of his face..."
He opens the door and immediately asks, "Mommy, Daddy, what are dicks and vaginas?"
His dad quickly answers, "They're just fancy words for hats and coats." Satisfied with this, the boy leaves the room.
Later that day, while his mom was prepping a turkey that she had just bought, she accidentally cut herself and immediately shouted out, "fcuk!"
Upon hearing this, the young boy rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, what does ---- mean?"
She quickly responds, "it's just a way of cooking the turkey"
Now, it is thanksgiving day, and the father is shaving, when he accidentally cuts himself, and yells out "SHIT"
The young boy rushes in and asks, "daddy, what does shit mean?"
Thinking fast, his dad says, "it's just the brand of shaving cream I'm using." And then the doorbell rang. The young boy's dad told him to get the door.
The boy rushed to the door, opened it, and, upon seeing his guests, said "Good evening. May I take your dicks and vaginas please? My mom is In the kitchen, fcuking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs, scraping the shit off of his face..."
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A brief history of the Philippines
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pmaitra
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