Jokes Thread

[sasi]

A pistol
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said,"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, momentslater, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

[JBH22]

Good Joke - Sad Part though that these people did not move to Pakistan

 

[aragorn]

Who is Arshad Mohsin?

 

[JBH22]

Who is Arshad Mohsin?

A self proclaimed crusader from "Secular" India, who has same tone like Zaid Hamid, he eats here but pray for there.

Posted in jokes thread, because joker wants to take on Modi.

 

[drkrn]

A little 5yr kid asks to his mom pointing towards her breast

child: mom what are they?
mother:smiling, they are balloons son.

mother:why were you asking this son

child:because today morning i saw dad blowing maids balloons...........

 

[dealwithit]

There's an Air Force guy driving from New Delhi to patiala, and an Army guy driving from patiala to New Delhi. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Johnnie Walker.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Johnnie Walker. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."

 

[nrupatunga]

Sorry if a repost.


Pakistan's Parliament passes Jannat Security Bill -Faking news


Islamabad, Pakistan. Close on the heels of Indian Parliament passing Food Security Bill (FSB), pieceful (sic.) neighbor Pakistan has passed the much awaited Jannat Security Bill (JSB).

After a debate that lasted ten minutes, 80 rounds of bullets, and 15 bazookas, the bill was passed unanimously.

"It's a great step towards providing compulsory passage to heaven to millions of freedom fighters who shall be laying down their lives to protect the victims of Mossad-CIA-RAW nexus," said survivor Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif after his first major victory since taking charge of whatever is governable in the country.


There were widespread celebrations in Pakistan
Mr. Sharif enumerated the main points of the Bill as follows:

1. Jannat Admit Cards to be issued to all freedom fighters, irrespective of where they explode and how many infidels they dispatch to hell.

2. Family members of the martyrs also get the coverage.

3. Lifetime validity: In case the freedom fighter is caught alive, the offer can be availed as and when the possibility of explosion is realized.

4. The clause regarding 72 virgins amended to 72 female virgins.

When asked about what documents were needed to be produced to claim the JSB card, Pakistan's interior minister said with a smile, "Aadhaar card shall do."

The bill covers all affiliated members and sympathizers of Pakistan's war on anti-terror. Pollywood superstar Meera, acting powerhouse Veena Malik, and fiction novelist Shoaib Akhtar are some of the prominent citizens who aren't covered under this bill due to their abnormal lifestyle and love for mundane things in life.

Spiritual guru Hafiz Saeed has welcomed the development and termed it historic.

"The Jannat Delivery System (JDS, not to be confused with Indian political party Janta Dal Secular) was flawed from the onset. It made martyrdom a mandatory criteria for going to heaven. Fighters like myself are eligible for heaven even without dying. I hope JSB will help more and more people to rise above the BFL (Below Fidelity Line)," he told Faking News.

 

[kseeker]

Once a Khaliph in Saauudii Arab told his henchmen to chop off the tip of their dicks when he was really drunk.

Henchmen announced this to their whole muslim community that, it's Khaliphs order and it has to be followed henceforth.

Jab Daaru Ka Nasha Utar gaya, Khaliph said to himself " I can't believe, they literally chopped off their dicks !!! " and died of a heart attack due to shock

 

[W.G.Ewald]

 

[Ash]

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful
life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied:
"Because women don't have wives!"

 

[drkrn]

Four worms were put into Four separate jars.

The 1st worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The 2nd worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The 3rd worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The 4th worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

1st worm in alcohol - dead;

2nd worm in cigarette smoke -dead;

3rd worm in sperm - dead;

4th worm in soil - alive.

The Science teacher asked the class, "What did you learn from this experiment?"

Pappu quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have WORMS !!!"

 

[drkrn]

Only in America:
(Begun as a fictional list, but the real "Only in Americas" are funnier, or at least stranger)

Drive-through banks, pharmacies, and liquor stores.

Parking lots (car parks) larger than the buildings they serve.

Sugar-frosted honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese sticks - and a Diet Coke.

Bumper stickers that say "Honk if you hate noise pollution".

Creationists who insist that the pharmaceutical drugs they use first be tested on monkeys and chimps.

Football in which the ball is carried or propelled much more by hand than by foot.

People who argue that human life is so sacred that abortion justifies capital punishment.

A country where the "Lower Forty-eight" states are north of Hawaii, and where the "Continental U.S" doesn't include Alaska, which is clearly on the same continent.

A country where everyone has time to mow their three-acre lawn each week, but no one has time to cook their own food.

People who value equality so much that they think discrimination should be used to create it.

Academic institutions known more for their athletes than their scholars.

A country where the Big Ten has eleven schools, and a fifth is four fifths of a quart.

A country where "evil-doer" and "do-gooder" are both negative characterizations.

A country that claims to hate lawyers, and that elects only lawyers to public office.

Prices of gasoline (petrol) prices that are a fraction of the price of drinking water - and people complaining about the price of gasoline.

A State Department that has nothing to do with the states.

"In God We Trust" written on every piece of money of a nation that alleges to separate church and state.

A country where only the well-to-do ride bicycles.

One of the world's most technologically advanced countries, with the most antiquated system of weights and measures.

"The Land of the Free" with the world's second highest incarceration rate.

A principled refusal to ratify the 1989 United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. (Somalia is the only other nation with the same principles.)

 

[drkrn]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

 

[H.A.]

 

[drkrn]

 

[cobra commando]

 

[Raj30]

 

[Raj30]

 

[drkrn]

cloud creator bus

 

[drkrn]

satirical picture on doctors