Jokes Thread

sasi

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Car Salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,"Boy, this economy sucks. If Idon't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ----ing ass!"
Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his useof bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my ----ing car!"
 

drkrn

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Nest on fire

once a man lied naked at a deserted nude beach and enjoying sun.suddenly a small girl came near him while playing.looking at his genitals she asks him" what are they?"
the man replies that its a bird and the place is its nest and goes to sleep.

after some time the man opens his eyes in an emergency room with eyes in an emergency room with burns on genitals.the police came for an investigation

police: what happened to you and who did this to you

man : i dont know how.the last thing i remember was being at the nude beach

so the police goes to the beach to look for clues.there they see a girl and asked whether she did see the person or not and how did he suffer burns.
to this the girl replied : i did

police are shocked and asked why did she do that

girl : when the man is asleep i started playing with his bird.all of sudden it became hard and spat on me.so i wrecked its neck,broke its eggs and set its nest on fire
 

drkrn

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Naomi, Claudia, and Cindy are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
 

drkrn

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Re: Nest on fire

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home
 

Ash

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Country flag
Advice for older, possibly retired guys....

An older guy was working out at the gym when heI spotted a sweet young thing walking in.....

He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him over and said;
"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
 

drkrn

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A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

The witness: They were ----ing your honor.

The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way.

The witness: The park was dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear;
there was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air;
and you know his what was in her, you know where;
if that wasn't ----ing your Honor I wasn't there.
 

dealwithit

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Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesborough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.
 

sasi

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Wher babies come from
A teenage girl come home fromschool and asks her mother,"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
 

sasi

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Two statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. The two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. "You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again? Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL crap on its head!
 

sasi

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A big bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella withhis 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him... all of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off... surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in theheck was that?"... Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies,"It was only a bug, honey"... the daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says... "sure had a big dick !!!"
 

sasi

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A pet alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gatorwill close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first ofhis free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell overthe crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spokeup. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
 

sasi

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A pickle slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once thatsomething was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?""Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?""Oh...she got fired too."
 

sasi

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A fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighterpilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's abeautiful day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began toheat up a little,Marie says,"Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?"asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionateinterlude and when things really steam up, Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,"Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.He then strikes a match and lights the liquor in her lap.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, YOU FOOL, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly,and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
 

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