Ankit Purohit
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Excellent 
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
once a general had crush on his kings wife but is afraid of the king.so he asked the kings personal doctor for help in exchange of 1000 gold coins
then the doctor used an itch powder and have somehow got it into the inner wears of the kings wife.from then she suffered incurable itch for which the king is very much worried.
then doctor goes to the king and says : "the only thing that can cure the queens itch is generals tongue". as the doctor said so the king summons the general for this duty
having already been supplied an antidote for the itch ,applied on his tongue the general enjoyed every bit of queens private parts.
after that the kings doctor asks him to pay his 1000 coins,but as his wish is fulfilled and doctor can't speak about it outside the general refuses to pay.....
guess what happens now.....the doctor pours the itch powder in kings underwear
never mess with a doctor
then the doctor used an itch powder and have somehow got it into the inner wears of the kings wife.from then she suffered incurable itch for which the king is very much worried.
then doctor goes to the king and says : "the only thing that can cure the queens itch is generals tongue". as the doctor said so the king summons the general for this duty
having already been supplied an antidote for the itch ,applied on his tongue the general enjoyed every bit of queens private parts.
after that the kings doctor asks him to pay his 1000 coins,but as his wish is fulfilled and doctor can't speak about it outside the general refuses to pay.....
guess what happens now.....the doctor pours the itch powder in kings underwear
never mess with a doctor
A paki went to a english doctor
it said to the doctor,
iv been felling unwell and sick
can you tell me the problem is
ah said the doctor after examining it
what you need to do is go home
put a dustbin in the sitting room
and you and your wife and 11 kids
use the bin as a toilet
put all your rubbish in it
and take deep breathes over it
so after a month it went back to see the doctor
and he said i feel great doctor
what was the problem
the doctor said you are homesick
it said to the doctor,
iv been felling unwell and sick
can you tell me the problem is
ah said the doctor after examining it
what you need to do is go home
put a dustbin in the sitting room
and you and your wife and 11 kids
use the bin as a toilet
put all your rubbish in it
and take deep breathes over it
so after a month it went back to see the doctor
and he said i feel great doctor
what was the problem
the doctor said you are homesick
anoop_mig25
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anoop_mig25
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A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
Two casino dealers are waiting idly at the craps table when a beautiful blonde comes in and asks if she could bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
"And," she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm naked."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace, rolls the dice, then starts yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."
When the dice stop she screams, "Yes, yes, yes! I won, I won, I won!" and she jumps up and down and, while still nude, she hugs and kisses both of the dealers passionately. Then she picks up the money, gathers all of her clothes and leaves.
The dealers can only stare at her very nude and well rounded shapely behind as it vanishes into the casino crowd, then one of the dealers ask, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
"And," she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm naked."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace, rolls the dice, then starts yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."
When the dice stop she screams, "Yes, yes, yes! I won, I won, I won!" and she jumps up and down and, while still nude, she hugs and kisses both of the dealers passionately. Then she picks up the money, gathers all of her clothes and leaves.
The dealers can only stare at her very nude and well rounded shapely behind as it vanishes into the casino crowd, then one of the dealers ask, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "f--k this, f--k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f--k out and push!!!"
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f--k out and push!!!"
once a famous cardiologist died and every one went for his burial.
at his burial when his son turned a button a coffin in shape of heart came and opened into 2 ,and they kept him in it and it went back
all of sudden a man in the back started laughing.people got andgry and asked "why were you laughing?"
he replied "i am a gynecologist"
at his burial when his son turned a button a coffin in shape of heart came and opened into 2 ,and they kept him in it and it went back
all of sudden a man in the back started laughing.people got andgry and asked "why were you laughing?"
he replied "i am a gynecologist"
one a doctor went for a party and every person around comes to him asking about their petty medical problems.
he is very unhappy and starts talking to his lawyer friend
doctor:i am very unhappy with this people,where ever i go they keep on asking me questions.what will you do with these kind of people
lawyer:well first i will give them the advice they need.later i will send them a bill for my services to their home.and they will never ask me a doubt again
doctor: good idea,i will follow this from now on
next day the doctor gets a bill from the lawyer
he is very unhappy and starts talking to his lawyer friend
doctor:i am very unhappy with this people,where ever i go they keep on asking me questions.what will you do with these kind of people
lawyer:well first i will give them the advice they need.later i will send them a bill for my services to their home.and they will never ask me a doubt again
doctor: good idea,i will follow this from now on
next day the doctor gets a bill from the lawyer
In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex."
So they did. She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos.
When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"
She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex."
So they did. She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos.
When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"
She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Disclaimer: Not sure, if this has been posted before on this thread, couldn't traverse through 498 pages ! If this is a repeated one, I would request Mods to delete it !
The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.
They don't need any permission from their government(actually such a thing does not exist in -----stan), and promptly order the countdowns.
Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.
But they need permission from the Government of India.
They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision.
In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure.
Their attempts for a re launch are still on.
Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.
The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.
As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.
The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.
But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.
A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.
The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is
authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.
Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles
away from the target, on its own government building at 11.35AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.
In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.
The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.
This time all the parties agree.
Its three months since the Pak army had started the nuclear war.
But as Indian preparations begin, "pro-humanity" and "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Road Rail Blockades are organized.
In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians to stop the war condemning the Indian government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.
Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
Pakistan had enough of it's own technology.
A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service.
Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia. (The smuggled missile was an old one made during the cold war times)
Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hits the target and creates havoc.
Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
Thus India never gets to launch the missile.
Pakistan never gets it right.
And
we live happily ever after!!!!
Keep Smiling.
Jai Hind...............
The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.
They don't need any permission from their government(actually such a thing does not exist in -----stan), and promptly order the countdowns.
Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.
But they need permission from the Government of India.
They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision.
In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure.
Their attempts for a re launch are still on.
Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.
The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.
As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.
The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.
But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.
A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.
The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is
authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.
Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles
away from the target, on its own government building at 11.35AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.
In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.
The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.
This time all the parties agree.
Its three months since the Pak army had started the nuclear war.
But as Indian preparations begin, "pro-humanity" and "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Road Rail Blockades are organized.
In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians to stop the war condemning the Indian government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.
Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
Pakistan had enough of it's own technology.
A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service.
Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia. (The smuggled missile was an old one made during the cold war times)
Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hits the target and creates havoc.
Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
Thus India never gets to launch the missile.
Pakistan never gets it right.
And
we live happily ever after!!!!
Keep Smiling.
Jai Hind...............
trackwhack
Senior Member
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Today is Pakistan independence day.
I think its funny.
I think its funny.
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2009
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Its the day 'Terrorism' took birth.Today is Pakistan independence day.
I think its funny.
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