Jokes Thread

[PredictablyMalicious]

nice try but grammar fail
I love Bad luck Brian meme

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[Maharana]

nice try but grammar fail

Ahoy grammar Nazi.

If you don't find something amusing, don't smile at it, simple.

 

[anoop_mig25]

 

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[Yusuf]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

REMEMBER: POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

 

[Ray]

And these people vote!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is priceless, and so easy to see happening,customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :

Family Member:'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

Citibank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank :'Excuse me?'

Family Member:'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank:'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank:'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

CitibankStammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank:'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank:'That might help....'

Family Member:'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank:'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)

And you wondered why Citibank needed the feds

 

[Das ka das]

Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor.

He orders a hotdog and gives the vendor 20 buck bill.

After waiting a while, the Buddhist was frustrated at the vendor.

"Where is my change?", the Buddhist asked.

"Change comes from within" replied the vendor.

 

[Singh]

Buddhist goes to a hot dog vendor.

He orders a hotdog and gives the vendor 20 buck bill.

After waiting a while, the Buddhist was frustrated at the vendor.

"Where is my change?", the Buddhist asked.

"Change comes from within" replied the vendor.

Hotdog Vendor to Buddhist: "what can I make you ?"
Buddhist: "Make me one with everything."

 

[Das ka das]

Hotdog Vendor to Buddhist: "what can I make you ?"
Buddhist: "Make me one with everything."

Gotta love Hitchens!

 

[VIP]

 

[Yusuf]

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.

Tom: I want a billion dollars!

Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??

Genie: Done. Done.

Tom : And what is your wish genie?

Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??

The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.

After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?

Wife answers: 35.

Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories.