Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Daredevil
- Start date
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Mike Tyson
The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
-Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Shaquille O'Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Brad Pitt.
-Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Mike Tyson
The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
-Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Shaquille O'Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Brad Pitt.
A recent article in the Daily Telegraph reported that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
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It's obvious, his vision improved, so he lost interest
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."
sayareakd
Mod
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4 SIM wala mobile be ata hai.
Girls will b girls!
Gf giving house directions 2 her Bf-"Come to d front gate of my apartment whr u always drop me ,look for flat 9A,you ll find a lift on ur right. hit 9 wid ur ELBOW.....get out of d lift u'll find my flat on left....hit d doorbell wid ur ELBOW & I ll get the door 4u"
Bf says- Dear dat seems easy but y m I hitting buttons wid my elbows?
Gf-"0MG! Are you coming empty handed ???"
bf:- (speechless)...
Gf giving house directions 2 her Bf-"Come to d front gate of my apartment whr u always drop me ,look for flat 9A,you ll find a lift on ur right. hit 9 wid ur ELBOW.....get out of d lift u'll find my flat on left....hit d doorbell wid ur ELBOW & I ll get the door 4u"
Bf says- Dear dat seems easy but y m I hitting buttons wid my elbows?
Gf-"0MG! Are you coming empty handed ???"
bf:- (speechless)...
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The Foreign Legion Captain
A very respected Captain in
the Foreign Legion was
transferred to a remote
desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a
very old seedy looking camel
tied out behind the enlisted
men's barracks. He asked the
Sergeant leading the tour,
"Why is a camel tied to the
barracks?" The Sergeant
replied, "Well sir, it's a long
way from anywhere, and the
men have natural sexual
urges, so when they do ...
uh ... we have the camel
ready for them."
The Captain said, "Well, I
suppose if it's good for
morale, then I guess it's all
right with me". After he had
been stationed at the fort for
six long, lonely months, the
Captain simply couldn't
control his sexual angst any
longer. He barked to his
Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL
INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his
shoulders, looked at the other
men, and lead the camel into
the Captain's quarters. Within
a few minutes, the Captain
emerged from his tent,
fastening his trousers, almost
beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the
enlisted men do it?" he
asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well,
sir, usually they just use it to
ride into town."
A very respected Captain in
the Foreign Legion was
transferred to a remote
desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a
very old seedy looking camel
tied out behind the enlisted
men's barracks. He asked the
Sergeant leading the tour,
"Why is a camel tied to the
barracks?" The Sergeant
replied, "Well sir, it's a long
way from anywhere, and the
men have natural sexual
urges, so when they do ...
uh ... we have the camel
ready for them."
The Captain said, "Well, I
suppose if it's good for
morale, then I guess it's all
right with me". After he had
been stationed at the fort for
six long, lonely months, the
Captain simply couldn't
control his sexual angst any
longer. He barked to his
Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL
INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his
shoulders, looked at the other
men, and lead the camel into
the Captain's quarters. Within
a few minutes, the Captain
emerged from his tent,
fastening his trousers, almost
beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the
enlisted men do it?" he
asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well,
sir, usually they just use it to
ride into town."
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A very posh British surgeon at a
field hospital looks down at at
bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':
Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you
come in here to die!"
Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here
yesterday"
field hospital looks down at at
bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':
Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you
come in here to die!"
Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here
yesterday"
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The USAF Chief Master Sgt.
A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief
are off the flight line together
for lunch.
While crossing a park they
come upon an antique oil
lamp.
They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually
only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" Says the MSgt,
"I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat,
a beautiful woman at my side
and not a care in the world."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" Says the TSgt.
"I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina
coladas and a beautiful
woman."
Poof! He's gone.
You're next, the Genie says to
the Chief. The Chief says,
"I want those two back on the
flight line right after lunch."
A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief
are off the flight line together
for lunch.
While crossing a park they
come upon an antique oil
lamp.
They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually
only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" Says the MSgt,
"I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat,
a beautiful woman at my side
and not a care in the world."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" Says the TSgt.
"I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse,
an endless supply of pina
coladas and a beautiful
woman."
Poof! He's gone.
You're next, the Genie says to
the Chief. The Chief says,
"I want those two back on the
flight line right after lunch."
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Took me a whole day to really get this one.Two nuns were cycling down a cobbled street.
One of them said "I've never come this way before."
The other replied "It's the cobbles that make it good."
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At least somebody did.Took me a whole day to really get this one.
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I got it immediately. Should i be proud of that or ashamed of that ?At least somebody did.
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