Jokes Thread

W.G.Ewald

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every
time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only
two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
 

KS

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P.S this retard happens to be part of the TN ruling coalition..
Actually he is not !!!

BTW this scene ranks pretty much low on the Captain retardo-meter....
 

H.A.

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Sex toy mistaken for mushroom fools entire Chinese village :pound: :pound: :pound:



The discovery of a double-headed sex toy, which was mistaken for a mystical rare fungus, brought national notoriety to a Chinese village and TV program this week. Villagers from Liucunbu, a rural community outside western Chinese city of Xi'an, came across the sex toy while drilling a new


well shaft.
Unable to identify the flexible, fungi-like object, perplexed residents alerted the local news station, which immediately sent reporter Yunfeng Ye to the scene.

In her coverage of the finding, broadcast last Sunday on the station's investigative journalism program Xi'an Up Close, Ye thoroughly probed different aspects of the discovery, interviewing locals and inserting her own research on the alleged mushroom.

Despite Ye's earnest reporting, her and the villagers' obliviousness of the object's real identity has now lent itself to national amusement.

The report opens with Ye announcing the discovery of the mysterious object, the likes of which not even an 80-year-old local man has seen.

Villagers are seen crouching around the object, floating innocently in a water-filled bucket.

"It has an eye and a nose, but we don't know what it is," ABC News quoted a man who was among the drillers who discovered the sex toy, as saying.

Describing the object's qualities in explicit detail, Ye and the villager determine that it is a type of lingzhi, a shelf fungus of the Ganoderma lucidum species, which according to legend has the rare ability to give immortality.[/B]

Asserting that the mushroom is rarely seen because it grows underground, she said, "When the Emperor Qin Shi Huang [the First emperor of China] was on the hunt for the secret to longevity, it is said he discovered this lingzhi was the answer."

After the program aired, many viewers immediately recognized the object as a sex toy modelled after female genitalia, and online video of the report gained millions of views overnight.

While the video received many comments lauding the station's and villagers' 'purity,' the day after the program aired the Xi'an news station posted an apology on Sina Weibo, a Chinese blogging website.

"Our program last night made everyone laugh," the apology said, expressing regret for an "uncomfortable and misleading" report.

"Our reporter is very young and sheltered," it read.
http://www.hindustantimes.com/HTNex...s-entire-Chinese-village/Article1-875309.aspx
 
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H.A.

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After you have a hearty laugh...please avoid Chini bashing....this article is posted in jokes thread only to avoid bashing.
 

Yusuf

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A shy young Guy goes to a Restuarant & sees a beautiful Girl sitting alone.

He gathers some courage, goes to her table & asks: "Would U mind
If I sit here beside U"??

She responds loudly: "No! I don't wanna spend the night with U!!"

Everyone at the Restuarant turns & stares at the Guy.

Young Guy shocked & embarrassed
goes back to his table.

After a few minutes that Girl slowly walks to him apologizes & says: " I'm a Science student In psychology & studying how People respond to embarrassing situations"....

Guy responds loudly:

"What? $3000??
That's too much for 1 night"!!

Everyone stares at the girl....

Guy silently whispers to her: "don't ---- around with a
Marketing Guy"..!! =)) :D
 

Mad Indian

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Instead of learning Faith-fullness. Loyalty and Unconditional love from the Dogs, the only thing we have learnt is


---------its Doggy style:cool2:
 

Yusuf

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New pregnancy test 4 punjabis: Insert whisky bottle into vagina.
Leave for 30 seconds den remove.
If it's empty, then there's another punjabi on the way.:p
 

SPIEZ

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Once a doctor came to an alcoholic convention, to address the bad effects of alcohol.

On a part of his speech, the doctor decided to show a live example.
He takes two jars one filled with water, and the other filled with alcohol. He first drops an earthworm into the bottle containing water, and the worm gracefully swims up.
Then the drops another earthworm into the jar containing alcohol and the earthworm disintegrates.

Upon, seeing one of the guys shout, "See alcohol kills worms in the stomach"
 

H.A.

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Once a doctor came to an alcoholic convention, to address the bad effects of alcohol.

On a part of his speech, the doctor decided to show a live example.
He takes two jars one filled with water, and the other filled with alcohol. He first drops an earthworm into the bottle containing water, and the worm gracefully swims up.
Then the drops another earthworm into the jar containing alcohol and the earthworm disintegrates.

Upon, seeing one of the guys shout, "See alcohol kills worms in the stomach"
:facepalm: :facepalm:
 

Yusuf

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Doctor pagal se- Ye kya hai?
Pagal- Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai...
Doctr- Tumne 500 panno pe kya likha?
Pagal: 1st page pe likha hai 1 raja ghode par
baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe
likha ke wo raja jungle pahuch gaya..
Doctor- To Kaminey!
Bich ke 498 panno pe kya likha?
Pagal- tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.. :p
 

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