Jokes Thread

[Daredevil]

Extra Effort

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.

The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

[Daredevil]

Irish Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

 

[Daredevil]

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well... It could be worse: It could be raining... and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flex mount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Always" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

 

[Daredevil]

A Returned Favor from Warsaw

This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR)interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: “So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: “But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

 

[Pintu]

That's a great joke , totally enjoyed it from my part.

Regards

 

[Daredevil]

Lawyer Talk

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

A guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

 

[1.44]

A Man is surrounded by two prostitutes

One says:I'll take 1100
Second says: I'll take 2100

A Man passes by them hearing only the price part he says:'No get the 2600 it's got a radio too'

 

[1.44]

Got this from the net

Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well Parvez, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Musharraf "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".

He calls Advani over and asks him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Musharraf, "You've got 24 hours."

He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Clinton, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Clinton. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Clinton, "It's me!"

"Wonderful!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. "Sir, I've got the answer!".

"What is it?"

"It's Bill Clinton".

"No, you idiot", says Musharraf, "It's Advani".

 

[1.44]

Top Ten Reasons why there won't be an Indian US President Anytime Soon
10. White House not big enough for in-laws
9. Engineering, medicine, law and motels always preferred over politics
8. Agarbattis will set off smoke alarms
7. Can't find decent masala dhosa inside the beltway
6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother
5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by eating with hands at state dinners
4. No chance for promotion
3. Chewing pan masala not considered politically correct
2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in
1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles

 

[1.44]

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

 

[1.44]

ON THE INTERNET

1)
Q: What do Pakistanis in London use for contraceptives?
A: Their personalities!

2)
A Pak news editor got 20 years in prison for calling the Prime Minister a fool. 5 years for the scandal and 15 for revealing a state secret!

3)
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries,
Musharraf and Manmohan Singh decided to visit each other's country regularly.
The first visit was by Singh to Pakistan. There Musharraf showed him
Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Singh made
a call to hell and talked for 5 minutes ! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.
When Singh came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems
to be at the best when Musharraf visited India.
Suitable arrangements were made. Musharraf came to India,
visited the telecom department and talked called hell for 5
minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500! Sharif asked with a sarcastic
smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?" A High level
diplomat gave a disappointing smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call,
Sir, while from India it is long distance!".

4)
Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.

5)
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of
Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search he
could not find any, Eventually couldn't control and chose a silent corner of
a clean street to release himself. Once he had just started,
a police official approached him, Hey What do you think you're doing here?
Pakistani tourist: sorry I have to "P" Police: No PP here okay? Follow me...
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass,
flowers and singing birds around.... Police: PP here.. have a nice day
police said. Pakistani tourist: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this
Indian courtesy? Police: No... this is Pakistani Embassy !!

6)
A Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor
because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset,
& he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and
can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does.
He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The
Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go
home, ++++ and piss into a bucket and leave it in his basement for a week.
Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and
follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells
terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes
water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better.
He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says," Go down and take three big
deep breaths directly from the bucket and you will be cured." "You're
crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the
basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it
again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach
settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable.
He calls the doctor to tell him the good news.
"I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the
doctor.
"YOU WERE JUST HOMESICK"!!!

7)
Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

8)
Two Pakistanis boarded a plane for Washington. One took the window seat, the
other sat on the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a fat Sardarji got on &
took the aisle seat next to them. He kicked of his shoes,wiggled his toes &
was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, "I think I'll go
up & get a coke." "No problem," said the Sardar, "I'll get it for u." While
he was away, the Pakistani picked up the shoe & spat in it. When the Indian
returned with the coke, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good.I think
I'll have one too." Again, the Sardar obligingly went to fetch it. And while
he was gone, the Pakistani picked up the other shoe & spat in it. The Indian
returned with the coke & they all sat back & enjoyed the short flight to New
York. As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes &
knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on," the Sardar
asked, with pain and sorrow. "This enmity between our people... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes & pissing in the cokes!"

 

[Daredevil]

Staff IQ Test
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)







First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?










Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.









Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?













Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?









You're not very good at this! Are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.






Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?












Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?








Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?






He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

[Daredevil]

Sydney radio - This is a corker

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

 

[vijaytripoli]

nice one brother , i couldn,t stop laughfing!
chau

 

[Daredevil]

Smart Men

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[Daredevil]

The Blind Mans Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[vijaytripoli]

Taliban teatime


Breath (bad) Nullah heads the Taliban in Waziristan. Fuzz Gandah Nallah is his compatriot in Swat.



Breath (bad) Nullah: Welcome my friend. Please have some sherbet.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Thanks, vintage Rooh Afzah I see with a dash of B+'ve sprinkled on it.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Sorry, my friend, O-'ve is in short supply.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: No problems, these are hard times.

Breath (bad) Nullah: For tonight's entertainment I have arranged a moonlight barbeque, and some song.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Please! What is wrong with you, don't you know going out in the moonlight is haram ever since the naapaak Americans put their foot on it without wuzoo?

Breath (bad) Nullah: Please forgive me, my noble friend. But the music I have arranged is absolutely halal, it is by the Village People (YMCA). There are no women in this group, nor do they have women in their music videos.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Good, good. Village People are my favourites. They are most important to our cause.

Breath (bad) Nullah: I have taken a new initiative. When animals and livestock are in heat, they shall be placed in separate quarters so they do not spread the disease of sex in the minds of innocent people.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes, the perverts. This is a longstanding problem in Pakistan that needed a solution.

Breath (bad) Nullah: All leaders and politicians are non-Muslims, who are in the hands of the CIA.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes. They only promote sex. Lots of sex.

Breath (bad) Nullah: They are destroying our nation by promoting sex. So immoral.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: That's all they can think of, sex. We should ban sex.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Yes. And polio drops too.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: And women too. Because they spread sex.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Thank God we are not obsessed by sex.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes. We never think about sex. Only revolution!

Breath (bad) Nullah: But tell me, brother, how can we give a ghusl to the moon to make it paak again?

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Muslim Khan will do it. He says he can clean anything, and if not, then he will kill the moon. The moon is like a bad woman who seduced the Americans to come there.

Breath (bad) Nullah: We should also take action against Cartoon Network.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes, we should. Tom is always chasing Jerry. They are always naked.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Yes, it is an American conspiracy to spread sex.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: I think Indians are also involved.

Breath (bad) Nullah: We should also ban jokes.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: And everything modern. Except weapons.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Also, we should establish rule of law.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes. Only we should be able to authorise kidnappings and beheadings.

Breath (bad) Nullah: And in our caliphate people will not get sick.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: I will issue the fatwa against germs soon, banning them forever.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Good, then our ban on female doctors will work even better.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: The news has just come in! Our spokesperson Muslim Khan is injured, he may not be able to carry on the job!

Breath (bad) Nullah: It's ok, Dr Shahid Masood is still there.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Yes, thank God the media is still on our side. We must tell our forces not to cut the throats of children.

Breath (bad) Nullah Absolutely, we are not barbarians. Only children who want to go to school will have their throats slit.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: I am sure all sane men will see our compassion in that. Breath (bad) Nullah: I am also working on destroying the great Satan, the Israeli- supported Internet.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: We will bamboozle the Google.

Breath (bad) Nullah: It will be our thrill kill.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: Our next target should be the bees.

Breath (bad) Nullah: Yes, I have heard they promote indiscriminate sex between flowers.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: By the way, who is your favourite singer in the Village People?

Breath (bad) Nullah: The one with the big moustache.

Fuzz Gandah Nallah: He is best in their song "Macho Man," like we are.

Breath (bad) Nullah: You got that straight.

 

[Daredevil]

 

[Daredevil]

Teen pregnant after ‘swimming in pool’


A WOMAN is suing an Egyptian hotel claiming her daughter got pregnant - from using the swimming pool.
Magdalena Kwiatkowska's 13-year-old returned to Poland from their holiday expecting a baby.

Magdalena believes the teenager conceived from stray sperm after taking a dip in the hotel's mixed pool. She is now seeking compensation from the hotel.

A travel industry source said: "The mother is adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys while she was there.

"She is determined to go ahead with the case."

Tourist authorities in Warsaw, Poland, have confirmed they received the bizarre complaint.

 

[Daredevil]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Cheers!
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!