Jokes Thread

Pintu

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lol, Soham that was nice,

Here is one from me:

A man with ran with grasping and asked a man sitting in a shop beside a road : 'Have you seen a truck loaded with monkeys passing here ?'


'No, DADA', man replied 'Have you fell down from the truck ?'
 

Vinod2070

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Use the word Definitely ***

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says,

"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says,

"Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY S H I T in my pants!"
 

Vinod2070

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Father's Last Words ****

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"

"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
 

Pintu

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Two idiots were talking each other in an Airshow.

After consuming much time one came out : there is huge amount needed to paint the planes.

Another quipped: no, not that you idiot, when they are on sky, they become tiny and then they paint it with a little brush.
 

Pintu

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I read it in a news paper, and thought that it could nicely be tried as joke:

Who is Slumdog Millionaire ?

One day a Millionaire was walking along a road, suddenly a slumdog bit in his leg, then Millionaire became famous as 'Slumdog Millionaire'.

Regards
 

Pintu

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A Gentleman went to a little Moghlai Restaurant and asks the server

: how much the price of one Moghlai Pratha ,

He answers: Rs. 35/-, Sir

-then how much is the curry served with this ,

Oh, well that comes for free, Sir

-Then get me 3 plates of Curry.
 

Su-47

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Pickle slicer

John works in a pickle factory. One day he comes home looking exasperated. His wife asks him what happened. He says, "We got a new pickle slicer at the factory. I dunno why, but i immediately got this urge to put my penis inside that pickle slicer."

His wife, fearing for his job, and his penis, tells him not to do such a thing, and he promises to control his urge. Next day, John comes home and says to his wife, "Sorry Dear. I got fired. I put my dick in that pickle slicer." Shcoked, his wife asks, " ANd what happened with the pickle slicer?". John replies, "Oh, she got fired too"
 

Su-47

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Blonde Joke

A blonde is about to leave town to visit her sick mother when the phone rings. She picks up the phone, listens, and replies in an irritated manner, "How should i know? I aint the friggin weather girl!"

"Who was it?", asks her husband. The blonde replies, "I dunno. Some chic asking if the coast was clear".
 

Su-47

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Golden Frog

There was once a man with a 25 inch penis. He never had any luck with the ladies since it was huge enough to scare them away. So one day, he decided to visit a reputed witchdoctor to solve his problem.

After listening to the man's woes, the witchdoctor says, "Behind my hut, is a pond. In the pond is a talking, golden frog. Ask him to marry you. Everytime he says "No", your penis will shrink 5 inches.

The man is skeptical, but decides to try anyway. He walks behind the hut, and sure enough, there is a pond with a large golden frog in it. The man asks the frog, "Golden Frog, will you marry me?" The frog immediately replies "No."

The man feels a sensation in his pants and looks down and finds his dick to have shrunk 5 inches. Its 20 inches now. Ecstatic he decides that he wants it shrunk another 10 inches, and it would be perfect. So he asks the frog to marry him again, and the frog refuses again. After the shrinking sensation (now his dick is 15 inches), the man asks the frog again. Exasperated the frog answers, "How many times do i have to tell you? NO! NO! NO!
 

Su-47

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Bar Joke

Jonny walks into a bar and sees a sign there. It says, "Complete the challenge and receive free beer from this bar for the next 3 years". The man asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender says, "There are three tasks you have to do:

i) Drink 10 glasses of pepper tequilla in one sitting.
ii) There is an alligator with a sore tooth tied up behind the bar. Pick out its sore tooth with your bare hands.
iii) There is a woman upstairs who is very sexually recessive. She has never had an orgasm. Give her an orgasm.

Jonny agrees. He drains all ten glasses of pepper tequilla at a go, and gets blown drunk out of his mind. He staggers out through the backdoor to the alligator pen. Soon, the people in the bar hear snapping, screaming and swearing. As everyone holds their breath and wait, Jonny slowly walks in. His clothes are torn and dirty, and he has bite marks on his arm and a chunk is missing from his calf. He staggers to the counter and asks the barman, "So where is that woman with the sore tooth?"
 

Daredevil

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Punjabi Confidence


George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.



>'Hello, Mr. Bush!' a heavily accented voice said,

> 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala,

> Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially

> declaring the war on you!'

>

> 'Well, Gurmukh,' Bush replied, 'This is indeed

> important news! How big is your army'

>

> 'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's

> calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my

> next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from

> the gurudwara. That makes eight'

>

> Bush paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one

> million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

>

> 'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll

> have to ring you back!'

>

> Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

>

> 'Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh,

> I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We

> have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'

>

> 'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Bush

> asked.

>

> 'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's

> tractor.'

>

> Bush sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have

> 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also,

> I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last

> spoke.'

>

> 'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh.. 'I'll have to

> get back to you.'

>

> Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

>

> 'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get

> ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's

> tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some

> wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys

> from Malpur have joined us as well!'

>

> Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.

> 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers

> and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is

> surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

> And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO

> MILLION!'

>

> 'Tera pala hove.....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll

> have to ring you back.'

>

> Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

>

> 'Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have

> had to call off the war.'

>

> 'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Bush. 'Why

> the sudden change of heart'

>

> 'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long

> chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's

> no way we can feed two million prisoners of

> wars!'

>

> NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE

> !!!
 

Pintu

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That is a really nice video , LOL,

A very humorous one find, Please post more .

Regards
 

Su-47

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I found this article on cricinfo. Wasn't sure if it is supposed to be in cricket or jokes section, but i decided it should be under jokes since it is so damn funny. It is about our beloved Harbhajan Singh.


Mother of all spinners
He nearly went off to to the US to drive trucks before his career as a dancer, slapper and Aussie-basher took off
Osman Samiuddin
May 12, 2009

Aka
Bhajji, The Turbanator, Obnoxious weed (a particularly affectionate one only Mathew Hayden is allowed to use).

In a nutshell
Twirling-shoulder-and-arms tweaker. India's best spinner at home after Anil Kumble, and best spinner abroad after Irfan Pathan. He is the embodiment of the modern Indian cricketer: he loves baiting Aussies, loves dancing, loves giving soundbites, loves putting his foot in it, loves appearing in commercials, and loves being linked to Bollywood dolls. Occasionally to be found on a cricket field.

Where but for the grace of Dada?
In the US, driving trucks: that's right, our Bhajji was about to up sticks and move to America early in his international career, so disillusioned was he with cricket and life. It was only at the insistence of Sourav Ganguly, enraged at the prospect of more carbon monoxide clogging up the atmosphere above the US, that he didn't.

Favourite dance partner
Mona Singh, with whom he appeared on Ek Khiladi Ek Hasina (One player, one beauty). He subsequently got into trouble for allegedly mocking religious deities during the dance performance.

Least favourite dance partner
The clown-prince breakdancer, also known as Sreesanth; memorably, during last year's IPL, Bhajji shook hands vigorously with Sreesanth's face. Unfortunately for him, this cruel world mistook the gesture for a slap.

The fashion accessory Harbhajan cannot be seen without
The full-sleeved shirt.

If Harbhajan went back to school, we'd recommend he attend
Elocution classes, lest he keep inquiring about your mother and you keep thinking he's saying something else entirely.

Drinks his Royal Stag with
Anyone but Andrew Symonds.

Drinks his Royal Stag without
His patka on.

If Harbhajan could choose which team to bowl to
It would be one with 11 Ricky Pontings: "bunny" doesn't describe Harbhajan's mastery over a man he has dismissed more times than he's put his own foot in his mouth.

Most inevitable headline next time Harbhajan plays England
"Onions Bhajji-ed"

Most inappropriate business venture in which Harbhajan has a stake
Sylvie's, a hair salon in Chandigarh, in which he is a partner, along with the eponymous Sylvie, a transgender hairdresser.

Four post-cricket careers Harbhajan could take up
1. Event organiser for the Padma Shri Awards
2. Celebrity truck driver on a reality show road trip across India
3. Ricky Ponting's batting coach
4. After-dinner speaker at the Allan Border Medal, as replacement for that other legendary spinner Phil Tufnell
 

prahladh

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Don't know if this really happened or is just a joke!

Kashmir belongs To INDIA.. Funny Proof

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tellyou something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

And they say Kashmir belongs to them...
 

jackprince

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Country flag
Cows in Government

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
 

Texasjohn

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An oldie..

In Microsoft Word, if you create a file called Jesus and then save it, you'll get the message "Word is saving Jesus". Below is a more sophisticated version of that idea, using MS DOS. The provenance is not known, so sadly attribution cannot be made.

In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered: C:\Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\God
Enter password
C:\Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:\Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\ Let there be light.
Unrecognizable command
C:\Create light
Done
C:\Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night
And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\Create firmament
Done.
C:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\Create dry_land
Done.
C:\Run firmament
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\Create sun_moon_stars
C:\Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01AM, Thursday, March 5
C:\Create fish
Done
C:\Create fowl

Done
C:\Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth where the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\Create cattle
Done
C:\Create creepy_things
Done
C:\Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\Create man
Done
C:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:\Run Breath
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:\Create Garden Eden.
Done
C:\Move man to Garden of Eden.
Done

C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\Copy woman from man
Done
C:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\Create desire
Done
C:\Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden Eden.
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Create freewill
Done
C:\Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden Eden.
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Create tree_of_knowledge
C:\Create good, evil
Done
C:\Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement,cancel, or ask for help.
C:\Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\Ctrl_Break
C:\Ctrl_Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES
PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:\Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\ Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\Destroy earth
Confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 12:01 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
On March 8, God created Macintosh.

No attribution ... found amongst old files
 

Tankie

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1
Cockburn, Western Australia

Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word? Oh, how it burns.
2
Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland

The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Shitland Islands" by the locals. Oh the pride...
3
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapok-
aiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand

Locals call this hill in Hawke's Bay "Taumata" because... Well. Just because.
4
****, Ireland

They have a town called ****. Har har har.
5
Looneyville, Texas, United States

Little Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s. But who gives a ****. This is a hilarious name for a town in the state that brought us Dallas, the Bush Twins and Waco. How awkward must that be when you go to college? "Hey guys, my name's Johnny and I'm from Looneyville!"
6
Titty Hill, Sussex, England

Falling squarely into the extensive Stupid Place Names From England category, Titty Hill is probably located just north of...
7
Thong, Kent, England

Which actually is south-east of...
8
Gravesend, Kent, England

Oh, come on, England. Graves End? What a nasty, depressing little name. You could have at least gone all the way with this one and called it Corpse Feet.
9
Wetwang, Yorkshire... yep! England again!

Okay, so I'll cut England some slack. It's an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than freakin dirt. They can't be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I'm surprised they don't have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.
10
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

If I were mayor of Spread Eagle, I'd be making diplomatic advances towards the city leaders over in Wetwang to form a Sister-City relationship. Or maybe more of a Platonic-Friends-City relationship. After that, we'd just take thing slow and see what happened.
11
Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States

Well, I guess it's better than Hairy Knob. I assume England already has that one covered.
12
Cockup, Cumbria, England

Cumbria is a county in the very north-west of England. What the backwoods of Alabama are to America is what Cumbria is to Britain. They talk funny up there. Thus, it isn't thoroughly surprising that they have a town called Cockup. What do you call someone from this place? A Cockupper? Cockupeleite? Cockuppian? Cockupican? I suppose it's mildly better than Wetwangger.
13
Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States

As hard as America tries, it can't compete with Britain's high standards. This was a good effort, though. Well done, Washington.
14
Hookersville, West Virginia

Undoubtedly named before "hooker" meant "prostitute who picks men up on street corners," Hookersville combines two crimes of place-naming. One, a dirty sounding adjective (they couldn't have chosen "Pleasant"? "Sunny"? "Happy"?) And two, they added "ville" to the end of the town's name. Affixing "ville" to the end of a town's name is like dressing your silly little dog in a cardigan and letting him carry his leash around in his mouth. It just makes the poor animal look stupid.
15
Hell, Michigan, United States

The people in this town at least seem to have a good sense of humor about their home's unfortunate name. Although, I'm sure there's some midwestern idiots in Hell who get all offended and defensive when the town shows up on lists like this. I'm looking forward to reading their insightful emails and comments.
16
Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States

So that's what they do down in the big AR.
17
Middelfart, Denmark

I guess it's not so funny to them, but how do we know that "Seattle" doesn't mean "Big Fat Stinking Turd" in Danish? That's right, we don't. And it probably does.
18
Horneytown, North Carolina, United States

Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. I also assume that, like Hookersville, the naming of Horneytown took place before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of ass" with an extra "e". But I'm starting to wonder why, pride and tradition aside, the townspeople in these little places never saw it fit to change their homes' names? Do they enjoy being ridiculed by the entire English-speaking world?
19
Shitterton, Dorset, England

I wonder if they bleep out the first part of Shitterton's name if it's mentioned on the Disney Channel?
20
Disappointment, Kentucky, United States

Le sigh. Never mind. You live in a small town in Kentucky. At least it was appropriately named.
21
****ing, Austria

The idiots who live in ****ing, Austria had a vote in 2004 to determine whether or not they should change the town's name, and you know what they did? They voted against it, preferring instead to put up with international ridicule, numerous stolen road-signs and horrific Google results.


22
Last but not least: Whakapapa

Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh" sound is pronounced "f". Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.
Theres a town in Germay called WANKUM :113: And another village in UK called little snoring , and a Sgt friend of mine lived there , his name was ,,,,wait for it

,Joe Gotobed,and i kid you not , we were being inspected one day by a visiting General and he stopped at Joe and looked at his name tag and commented on his unusual name , the Gen then asked Joe where he was from , when he replied little snoring we thought the Gen was gonna jail him until the RSM put him right LOL Sadly Joe passed about 5 years ago RIP
 

Daredevil

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A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
 

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