Jokes Thread

Soham

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Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same tagline...........

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life..

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms ! - because life is complicated enough.

Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - 'for a longer ride go wide'

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim !!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world

Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the one with the hole !!! (VERY poor seller!!!)


L'Oreal condoms - because your worth it!
 

Pintu

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This is from the old book I mentioned before, depending upon my memory I am posting it here:

Habu : Have you fled from Table of Operation Theater ?

Dabu : Yes,

Habu: Why?

Dabu: Nurse was telling, "Why are you so nervous, this is a very easy operation, and you are shaking"

Habu: Ok, she was telling that to free you out of the nervousness.

Dabu: Not me, she was talking to surgeon who would operate on me.
 

Daredevil

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Two Newlyweds

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and disfigured. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his underwear his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
 

Soham

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A Florida state senior citizen was driving his brand new corvette convertable down the road , enjoying the wind blowing his tuft of hair about , he pushed it to 80 , great he thought as he flew along 1/75 pushing the pedal even more he looked in his rear view mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state trooper behind him , he pushed the car to a 100 , then to 125 , then to 130 , crap he thought im too old for this so he pulled over and awaitedt the troopers arrival ,

When the trooper got there he went over to the car and driver and said , Sir today is friday , its 16.30, i finish in 30 minutes , if you can give me an excuse for driving so fast that i have never heard before , i will let you off ?

The old guy thought for a few seconds and replied ,,, well about 3 years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper , and i thought you were bringing her back !

Have a good day Sir said the trooper
__________________
 

Soham

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We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the
guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.
 
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Daredevil

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A SECOND CHANCE

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
 

Soham

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A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
 

Soham

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy them at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
 

Daredevil

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Green juice

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls. While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says, "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said, "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said, "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry." "Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?" She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."
 

Daredevil

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Dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
 

Soham

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A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl
looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee
kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee
cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot ime you let me
poot me hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her
lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
 

Soham

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A considerate woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee for breakfast ?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "How about bowl of soup,
Homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "You know, the Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."



Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again."No honey," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm
still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "Would you please get the hell off me and let me get up?
I'm starving !"





I think this is the limit we can go till.
 

Soham

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a log of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
 

Soham

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A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....

The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....

The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."
 

Soham

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^^^
This has to be the best blonde joke !
 

ahmedsid

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A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....

The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class....

The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."
Its a very old blonde joke! It was created along with the Blonde! :)
 

Soham

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HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F----ING DEAD!
 

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