Rahul Gandhi quits politics, Congress party splits

[sasi]

Acting onthe promise that he had made to the mango men of the Banana Republic of India, Rahul Gandhi, the heir apparent of Congress party president Sonia Gandhi, said last night thathe is quitting politics. RahulGandhi had earlier declared at a massive Congress party rally at Ramlila Maidan in New Delhi on November 4, 2012 that he was determined to break open the country's closed political system for the mango men. "The biggest problem is that our politicalsystem is shut for the common man," Rahul had said then.
At a crowded press conference called at midnight yesterday, at the Congress party headquarters at 24 Akbar Road, Rahul Gandhi, surrounded by uncontrollably sobbing Congress party leaders, revealed his intention to retire from politics.
"Yesterday I made a tryst with destiny," thundered Rahul Gandhi, recalling the famous speech made by his great grandfather Jawaharlal Nehru at the time of India's independence, "and now the time comes when I shallredeem my pledge to the mango men, wholly and in full measure, not just substantially."
"At the stroke of this midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India's mango men will awake to life and freedom—a life free from decades of dynastic politics," declaredMr. Gandhi in an emotion-choked voice, as senior Congress party leader Digvijay Singh collapsed atthe press conference unable to come to terms with Rahul's decision.
Responding to a query whether his sister Priyanka Gandhi would step in to fill the void, a proud Rahul Gandhi averred that she would not. "You all know that we consult each other on everything. She supports me fully in this. The Nehru-Gandhi era in Indianpolitics is over. Once and for all."
Asked if other heirs in the party would follow suit, Rahul replied, "I have asked my friends Anil Thakur, Jyotiraditya Scindia, Mandakini Dubey, Milind Deora, Sachin Pilot, and Sameer Sharma to quitpolitics to make it a level playing field for the mango men. At this very moment my friend Omar Abdullah ofNational Conference is tweeting his decision to resign as the Chief Minister of Jammu and Kashmir and quit active politics."
"As for the politicians' heirs in other parties like Akhilesh Yadav, Uddhav Thackeray, Stalin, Azhagiri, Kanimozhi, Supriya Sule, Jaganmohan Reddy, K. T. Rama Rao, andthe like, it is left to their conscience. We can only hope that they follow the laudable example set by the Congress party heirs,"said a beaming Gandhi.
Meanwhile, in a fast-paceddevelopment, a faction led by Robert Vadra, Rahul's brother-in-law, has formed a new party named Congress Party (Banana) and has staked claim for 'Mango' election symbol. Elsewhere, in Tamil Nadu, Karti Chidambaram, the scion of the Chidambaram family, tweeted that he is reviving Tamil Maanila Congress (TMC), though the move does not have the support of G K Vasan, the son of late G K Moopanar, who claimed that the TMC is his family property.
Rahul Gandhi quits politics, Congress party splits | The UnReal Times
Sorry guys it happend in my dreams.

 

[Sam2012]

Acting onthe promise that he had made to the mango men of the Banana Republic of India, Rahul Gandhi, the heir apparent of Congress party president Sonia Gandhi, said last night thathe is quitting politics. RahulGandhi had earlier declared at a massive Congress party rally at Ramlila Maidan in New Delhi on November 4, 2012 that he was determined to break open the country's closed political system for the mango men. "The biggest problem is that our politicalsystem is shut for the common man," Rahul had said then.
At a crowded press conference called at midnight yesterday, at the Congress party headquarters at 24 Akbar Road, Rahul Gandhi, surrounded by uncontrollably sobbing Congress party leaders, revealed his intention to retire from politics.
"Yesterday I made a tryst with destiny," thundered Rahul Gandhi, recalling the famous speech made by his great grandfather Jawaharlal Nehru at the time of India's independence, "and now the time comes when I shallredeem my pledge to the mango men, wholly and in full measure, not just substantially."
"At the stroke of this midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India's mango men will awake to life and freedom—a life free from decades of dynastic politics," declaredMr. Gandhi in an emotion-choked voice, as senior Congress party leader Digvijay Singh collapsed atthe press conference unable to come to terms with Rahul's decision.
Responding to a query whether his sister Priyanka Gandhi would step in to fill the void, a proud Rahul Gandhi averred that she would not. "You all know that we consult each other on everything. She supports me fully in this. The Nehru-Gandhi era in Indianpolitics is over. Once and for all."
Asked if other heirs in the party would follow suit, Rahul replied, "I have asked my friends Anil Thakur, Jyotiraditya Scindia, Mandakini Dubey, Milind Deora, Sachin Pilot, and Sameer Sharma to quitpolitics to make it a level playing field for the mango men. At this very moment my friend Omar Abdullah ofNational Conference is tweeting his decision to resign as the Chief Minister of Jammu and Kashmir and quit active politics."
"As for the politicians' heirs in other parties like Akhilesh Yadav, Uddhav Thackeray, Stalin, Azhagiri, Kanimozhi, Supriya Sule, Jaganmohan Reddy, K. T. Rama Rao, andthe like, it is left to their conscience. We can only hope that they follow the laudable example set by the Congress party heirs,"said a beaming Gandhi.
Meanwhile, in a fast-paceddevelopment, a faction led by Robert Vadra, Rahul's brother-in-law, has formed a new party named Congress Party (Banana) and has staked claim for 'Mango' election symbol. Elsewhere, in Tamil Nadu, Karti Chidambaram, the scion of the Chidambaram family, tweeted that he is reviving Tamil Maanila Congress (TMC), though the move does not have the support of G K Vasan, the son of late G K Moopanar, who claimed that the TMC is his family property.
Rahul Gandhi quits politics, Congress party splits | The UnReal Times
Sorry guys it happend in my dreams.

Mastermind gimmick , he cannot quit the beggers in congress will not allow him to quit because their daily roti will be at stake
When sonia gandhi refused to sit on PM seat , one lunatic begger took a revolver threating to shoot himself
Sentimental fools

 

[sasi]

The Prince's Diaries: Rahul Gandhi's account of his recent vacation in Italy – Part II | The UnReal Times
The Prince's Diaries: Rahul Gandhi's account of his recent vacation in Italy – Part II

Rahul wants Congress workers to henceforth greet him in Italian style
Rahul Gandhi, took a much needed break from his hectic political work, and spent a week vacationing in his mother's native village in Italy. Click here for Part I and read below for Part II
Day 4
I still haven't given up my determination to meet an Italian aam aadmi . I purchased a little Hindi-Italian dictionary and looked up the word aam aadmi . And there it was: " Paisano" . This time I approached Uncle Clemenza and told him " Paisano.. Paisano.. mujhe milano.. ". He immediately understood and took me toan adjacent settlement. Butno, that was too posh. I know from my intimate experience of rural India that aam aadmis don't live in such clean areas. We decided to explore other areas.
Suddenly, we spotted a huge pile of ash and some bones. From my misadventures in Bhatta Parsaul , I quickly deduced that this Italian village is inthe grip of genocide and anarchy. I immediately asked Uncle Clemenza to call up Berlusconi Uncle, the PM of Italy, so that I could alert him about the situation. Uncle Clemenza stared at me dumbfounded.Bloody duffer. I snatched the phone from him and dialed Berlusconi Uncle's number (Mamma told me to keep his number in my pocket and call him if I get into trouble)
"Hello, this is Rahul here, future PM of India"¦.can u connect me to Berlusconi uncle please?"
Voice from the other end: "What's this about?"
"Idiot, there's no time to waste"¦.there is an ongoinggenocide in the Italian country side. We need to act.."
"Dude, Please call up the mental asylum. You got thewrong number" and he abruptly disconnected.
I just can't believe how unhelpful and inconsiderate Italians are. Manmohan ji is so sweet and never behaves like this. Why, just last month, I called him in the middle of the night to complain aboutthe potholes in one of the roads and he said he'll speak to some dude handling the Pradhan Mantri Gram Sadak Yojana to fix it. Now I am glad that I am an Indian and not an Italian.
Day 5
Spoke to Diggy Chacha andsaid "I am missing him". Hesaid he's missing me too but also having a lot of funin India. Apparently, he's peaking when it comes to bullshitting. I said that I can't wait to get back and visit some Dalit households. Missing work badly. Anyway, I digress.
Today Mama took me to a vintage Italian bar that shesaid has been in existencesince her teenage years. "Nothing has changed" she said quietly as she looked around the place. She seemed a bit emotional, almost nostalgic – her eyes welled up. A couple of drunk, old geezers seemed to recognize her. They pointed at her and whooped. One of them even got up and did a littledrunken jig. Mama smiled and waved back. Mama's so popular here as well! I am so proud of her!
I sat at a table while Mama went to the ladies room. Just as I was about to order drinks, I was drawn to a commotion in a corner.A burly guy was roughing up a thin, wretched lookingguy. Realizing that a paisano was in danger, I sprang from my table and walked purposefully towards the burly guy. I tapped the burly guy's shoulder. "Leave him alone" I said. The burly guy looked amused. He said some Italian gibberish and pointed in the directionI approached from, probably asking me to takea hike. I wasn't about to dothat. I had this under control. I tilted my head, thoughtfully scratched my chin, looked at him askance and said in a extra-gruff voice "I will make you an offer you can't refuse"
The last I remember of thatincident was a huge fist screaming towards the right side of my face. I woke up three hours later at home. Terrible day. In India, my Black Cat Commandos would never have let this happen.
Day 6

The good thing about the bar misadventure was thatRahul could finally wear hisfavourite pirate patch
My right eye was so swollen that I could see only from my left one. It doesn't matter. It was time to go. We got goodbye kisses from all the relatives and friends and we made our way to the airport. I was still hurting from last night's adventure so I went to sleep in the flight. When I woke up, the flight had already landed at Delhi. Wedisembarked and walked towards the arrival lounge.Some eight to ten Black CatCommandos rushed towards us. One of them grabbed my hand bag, another, my blackberry, yet another, my waist-pouch. Some distance away, there were twenty to thirty more people looking in our direction.
"Rahul Baba for PM. Rahul Baba for PM" they cried out in chorus. I smiled.
Home. Sweet Home.
~
just for fun!
:hippo:

 

[sasi]

The Prince's Diaries: Rahul Gandhi's account of his recent vacation in Italy – Part I | The UnReal Times
Rahul Gandhi, took a much needed break from his hectic political work, and spent whole of last week vacationing with his Mamma, Sonia Gandhi, in her native village somewhere in Italy. Read below.
Day 1

Sonia says she is very glad to be back home for arefreshing break from 'thatcrazy country'.
My first day in Italy. I met several of Mamma's relatives and friends. Some of the ones I remember are aunt Apollonia, aunt Lucy Mancini, uncle Don Corleone, family friend DonClemenza and my dear grandmother of course. Wekiss and hug a lot, after which all of us sit down to have plates and plates of pasta. Mamma kept saying she is so glad to be back home for a refreshing break from that crazy country. I am now confusedagain about whether I am an Italian-Indian or Indian-Italian. Will need to ask Diggy Chacha when I get back to Delhi.
After dinner, Mamma distributes gifts to everyone. People love the Indian art pieces and antiques we chose so carefully for them. Looks like the trip to the museum last week has been totally worth it!
Day 2

Rahul Gandhi bonding with an Italian aam aadmi
Italy seems to be just like India. I think I can be as popular here as in India. Who knows, maybe I could ask Mamma to make me thePM of Italy also after I become the PM of India. Nice country.
I asked Uncle Corleone if I could meet some Italian dalits here. He stared backblankly. Through my hand signals I tried to act like a downtrodden, impoverished worker, and Uncle Corleone immediately understood. "Si, si" he said and gave me a wink. He then took me through a number of alleys and lanesto a decrepit place with dingy walls and rotting woodwork. Surely an ItalianDalit household.
The woman who opened the door wasn't shocked but she did look extremelyhappy to see me. She gaveme a tight hug and a kiss that I found a bit inappropriate but didn't resist for fear of offendingher – maybe it is the Italian way of greeting guests. A couple of other women put out their heads from the rooms inside. They all seemed happy to see me. A huge hairy guy smoking a cigarette then came out, stood in betweenme and the woman who opened the door, shook my hand and said something in Italian.
I asked Uncle Corleone to convey in Italian that I wanted to spend a night attheir home. Uncle Corleone did, and to my surprise they instantly agreed as if they totally expected it.
Uncle Corleone said "They happy you sleep here wid them"
I said "Great!"
Uncle Corleone said "You have dollars? They want money in dollars. 500 for one. 1000 for three at the same time"
I was initially a bit confused. Only a minute later I realized what happened. And when I did, I bolted out of there.
What a disaster. Uncle Corleone completely screwed me over.
I miss Diggy chacha.
Day 3
I am beginning to miss Indiaa bit now, especially all those chamchas who hang around me. Nobody here gives a f**k about me. I ventured out into the fields and spotted some laborers digging trenches near the local church– justlike MGNREGA workers in Amethi. I waved at them and one of them shouted incrude Italian "Don't just stand there and smile like a donkey. Get your fat a** here and give us a hand". I was so taken aback that I beat a hasty retreat back to the village center.
I met a few village youth on the way back who inquired about what I did for a living. I said that I visit poor people's homes and help them with their problems back home in India. They asked whether I was a Mafia leader back there. I said not quite but I am a very important leaderin India, just like Berlusconi uncle in Italy. They started giggling. Mustbe some Italian custom. Need to ask mummy why they giggled when I said I was a leader like Berlusconi uncle.
This Italian village seems to have better facilities than Amethi also. Need to take pictures to show Manmohanji and order him to develop Amethi along similar lines.
~

 

[sasi]

SRK's saturation marketing of hissuperhero flick, Ra.One, has inspired Congress party bigwigs to launch a similar super-hero themed campaign, Rahul.One, whichwill put Rahul's untiring efforts to uplift rural India in perspective, by showcasing it as the work of a super-hero.
"In contrast to Ra.One, there is nothing fake aboutRahul.One. For one, Rahulji unlike SRK, is a genuinely blue-eyed boy. Kalavathy, a resident of Kaliyan village of Amethi, who plays the damsel in distress in the trailer, wastruly touched in real life when Rahulji displayed super-human empathy by sleeping over in her housea few months back. So she is not at all 'acting' in the trailer but conveying heartfelt awe," raved Salil Tripathi, the District President of Congress Amethi cell and creative brain behind the campaign.
Rahul.One has become a hiton YouTube. UP CM, Mayawati, who has seen Rahul.One over 100 times on her iPad is now planning to come up with a marketing campaign which will project her as Wonder Woman - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (aashcharya waali mahila ).
Please see the video trailer to decide for yourself.
Video: Inspired by Ra.One, Congress launches marketing campaign projecting Rahul Gandhi as Rahul.One | The UnReal Times

 

[Mad Indian]

God I wished it was true

 

[sasi]

Late post

The ruling Congress party's ongoing brainstorming session in Jaipur to formulate positions on pressing national issues and fine-tune strategy to retain power after the 2014 General Elections hasgenerated prodigious amounts of hot air as a by-product. So much so that it has earned a rebuke from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the premier international body for tracking climate changes due to human activity.
IPCC Chairman, Shri Rajendra Pachauri, noted in his assessment that some of the resolutions emerging from the ongoing Chintan Shivir such as 'mitigation of corruption', 'fostering inclusive growth', 'generation of employment', 'rapid eradication of poverty' have led to a spike in emission of greenhouse gases and may have increased global temperatures by 0.0002 degrees Celsius.
He was particularly scathing of the deliberations in the sub-group on socio-economic challenges headed by Shri Digvijaya Singh, which generated a mushroom cloud of methane, bio gas and other miasmic vapours, forcing even some Congress delegates to choke and gasp for fresh air. The IPCC chairman however praised Dr. Manmohan Singh for being a silent observer during the confabulations and not adding to the buildup of greenhouse emissions.
On the positive side, the Chintan baithak brought some respite from the prevailing cold wave to thedenizens of Jaipur, which could lead to electoral gains for India's grand old party in this part of the country, according to Unreal Times psephologist,Rajniti Yadav.
The Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, has expressed satisfaction with proceedings and directed Congress leaders to mull on translating the impressive formulations and declarations of soci-economic transformation into tangible outcomes. Congress' apex though leader, Jairam Ramesh, has already taken a lead by drafting a concept note on utilizing the hot air fromthese baithaks for power generation. "The possibilities are mind-boggling," writes Jairam in the preface to the approach paper, "If all the natural gas of our thundering leaders can be captured and sequestered,whole villages can be electrified under the Rajiv Gandhi Gramin Vidyut Karan Yojana, many more LPG cylinders can be subsidized under the RajivGandhi LPG Vitrak Yojana, new Rajiv Setus constructed across the country. In other words, this garam hawa can be a bigger game-changer than even direct cash transfers."
Ongoing Congress Jaipur Chintan Shivir generates tonnes of hot air, contributes to global warming | The UnReal Times

 

[sasi]

After inadvertently burning copies of The Times of India newspaper in a protest against TIME magazine a few months ago, the Tamil Nadu Youth Congress has done it again, this time, burning posters of the Gujarat unitof its own party, during a protest rally against Sri Lanka.
"We are protesting against the plight of our Tamil brothers in Ilangai , paa. We thought of burningposters of the Lankan army, but unfortunately, we realized only while burning them that quite a few of them were those of our brothers in Gujarat. The media, especially JayaTV, was quick to capture the act. Cheh !" said Yuvaraj, the TNYC president.
Yuvaraj also staunchly defended his unit, explaining "This time, we can't be blamed, okay? Our guys properly googledfor Sri Lankan posters. Wegot a lot of good ones, butwe didn't have any clue that our brothers in Gujarat have done a Ctrl C Ctrl V for those same images, portraying Lankans as Gujarat BJP agents."
The Gujarat Congress hasn't responded to the incident yet, but has received strong backing from the quarters of Congress General Secretary Digvijaya Singh. "Where the posters have originated from isn't the issue. Let's look at the larger picture here!" said Diggy to NDTV anchor Nidhi Razdan, sending her into a state of nirvana. "The fact of the matter is, that the BJP workers in Gujarat are Lankans. The Gujarat Chief Minister has ten heads"Digvijaya invokes Ramayana, takes a dig at Modi’s 3D blitz | Firstpost ," added Diggy.
Tamil Nadu Youth Congress mistakenly burns Gujarat Congress posters in anti-Lanka rally | The UnReal Times

 

[sasi]

Late post

Finally breaking his silenceover Anna Hazare's threatto go on a hunger strike if his version of the Lokpal bill is not passed, Rahul Gandhi lambasted the veteran social activist andavowed Gandhian for "his cheap Gandhigiri".
Rahul Gandhi claims to be apreeminent practitioner of 'Gandhigiri'
Addressing a gathering in Kanti Haripur village in Amethi district, the heir apparent to the PM's post thundered "Anna ji may bea Gandhian by deed but I am a Gandhian by birth. Only the Gandhi family can do Gandhigiri with sincerityand conviction," to a round of applause. He continued "Gandhi ji went on a 2 yearlong Bharat darshan to understand India's rural poverty. I have been doing only that for the last 9 years by visiting rural settlements all over the country and sleeping in dalit households," to another round of whistles and claps from the excited crowd. Rahul then asked the crowd rhetorically " Desh ka asli Gandhi kaun ?" and the crowd roared "Rahul Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi".
Rahul Gandhi later told this The Unreal Times correspondent that the media has been giving him a raw deal of late. "F*** man, I slog my butt off visiting villages in god-forsaken places during unearthly hours to uncover instances of human rights violations butget ridiculed while Anna gets lionized for merely sitting next to a table fan and fasting," said the Nehru-Gandhi scion who claims to have seen Bollywood blockbuster LageRaho Munabhai more than adozen times to imbibe the essence of 'Gandhigiri'.

Rahul will use a Gandhi danda and don traditional Gandhian garb but replace the antique hand watch with a blackberry for multi-tasking
Rahul now plans to 'out-gandhi' Anna by emulating Mahatma Gandhi's historic Dandi saltmarch. The Congress leader and his followers will undertake a 3 day, 30 mile, circuitous march from Amethi to Bhatta-Parsaul where he will symbolically take a piece of mud from land 'forcibly acquired' by the Mayawati Government and 'give it back to the local farmers'. Thus, just like Mahatma Gandhi defiedthe British Raj by breakingthe iniquitous salt tax law, Rahul Gandhi will 'oppose' the Maywati regime's 'unjust land acquisition policies'. Rahul and his followers will then squat onthe disputed land on a dharna until the police evict them forcibly. Rahul though has cautioned Congress workers against replicating such lawlessness in Congress ruled States. Congress leaders are hoping that Mayawati arrests and detains Rahul for a few hours under Section 144 after that. "That will expose the brutal, anti-democratic and fascisttrappings of the Mayawati regime," said Congress spokesperson Jayanthi Natarajan, sporting a characteristic scowl.
When asked why he doesn't intervene in Parliament to modify the draconian colonial era LandAcquisition Act instead, Rahul muttered "There is not much scope for Gandhigiri there. Anyway, mummy's NAC is looking into it."
"Leave Gandhigiri to the Gandhis" Rahul Gandhi lambasts Anna Hazare | The UnReal Times

 

[rock127]

wtf??? ...

 

[sasi]

Rahul alighting from his SUV to call on Mrs. Shinde
Newly anointed Home Minister Shri Sushil Kumar Shinde's statement that he is only the second dalit to have become the Home Minister of India has excited Rahul Gandhi so much that the Nehru-Gandhi scion promptly paid an impromptu visit to the Shinde household for a simple meal of dal-chawal and a nocturnal stop-over.
Confirming the news, Rahulsaid, "I was so bored afterwaking up today and wondering what to do by way of political activity. Then I happened to notice a newspaper headline stating that Shinde uncle isa dalit. I was so kicked thatI immediately told my driverto take me to his house to hang out. I hope this satisfies mummy who keeps chiding me for beingpolitically inactive these days."
Mrs. Shinde disclosed that she had indeed hosted theCongress leader for the evening.
"To my pleasant surprise, Rahulji rang the bell around 6PM and said he had come over to inquire about my well being. I was of course delighted that hehad called on us and invited him to the drawing room for tea but he insisted on having dal-chawal and sitting on the floor. He kept asking if I was facing any problems. I told him not really except that there have been these horrid power cuts over the last couple of days and of late the road to Khan Market for shopping has been experiencing traffic jams. His aide Kanishka copiously took notes and Rahulji promised to get back to me about these issues.
Just when I thought he wasabout to leave, Rahul ji said he wanted to retire for the night and asked meto direct him to the guest bedroom. Rahulji left early in the morning after that," disclosed Mrs. Shinde.
Union Minister Shinde, upon hearing the news, said, "I may be Home Minister of India but Rahulji, by visiting my bungalow has become my Home Minister. Whenever he's too tied up and can't step out of Delhi, he can come over and dine at my place to showcase his empathy for dalits."
Rahul Gandhi visits Shindes for dal-chawal after Sushil Kumar Shinde proclaims his dalit heritage | The UnReal Times

 

[sasi]

The CNN-IBN poll reveals that most Indians want Rahul to be the next PM, not sure which one though
In a major embarrassment,CNN-IBN has released a statement that its earlier salient 'State of the Nation'poll finding that 'most Indians want Rahul Gandhi to succeed Dr. Manmohan Singh as the PM' may not have been entirely accurate. Apparently, the questionnaire that had been administered to over 18,000 respondents across India had "Rahul Dravid" instead of "Rahul Gandhi" erroneously printed on it. So the correct inference to now draw is that 42% of Indianswant Rahul Dravid to become the next Prime Minister of India, accordingto CNN-IBN's press release.
Attempting to put a positive spin on this blooper, a red faced Sagarika Ghose, CNN-IBN's anchor, said onher popular show "Face the Nation" that "the findings are nevertheless still relevant in the sense that most Indians want a Rahul to become the next PM." However, CNN-IBN has understandably refrained from analyzing the political implications of its poll findings citing the "Garbage in, Garbage out"principal. Many analysts have nevertheless concluded that this finding,albeit arrived at accidentally, makes perfectsense. "Rahul Dravid is articulate, extremely fit, youthful ( editor – by a political, not cricketing yardstick ), highly intellectual (he reads a book every night before falling asleep, according tohis biographer), arguably more good looking, and capable of taking the attack to the opposition – in summary, a better choice than the Nehru-Gandhi scion," stated noted political science professor, Dr. Shashank Agashe.
It is likely that the questionnaire design team may have been watching Dravid's marathon unbeaten innings in the Trentbridge Test when thequestionnaire was being finalized which could have led to the typo. A few respondents did point out this glaring error to the survey team but were told to "just fill the form and not act smart" according toa CNN-IBN insider.
When Rahul Dravid was told about the corrected findings, he laughed it off sportingly. "Being captain of the Indian team was tough enough, and now people want me to captain India!! Thanks but no thanks, I'm sure most people saw through the error and must have meant to pick Rahul Gandhi only," said the Wall to thiscorrespondent over the phone before disconnecting to head off for batting practice. The Wall later text messaged that "On second thoughts, being the PM is easier thanopening the batting in Tests."
CNN-IBN's 'Top choice for PM' poll goof-up: Forms listed 'Rahul Dravid' instead of 'Rahul Gandhi' | The UnReal Times

 

[sasi]

Rahul trains for his padyatras with Olympic Race-Walkers
Buoyed by Rahul's successful Western UP padyatra to 'learn about land acquisition issues', requests are pouring in from other corners of the country for similar Rahul padyatras . Rahul, now taking a well deserved weekend break after his grueling tour, told The UnReal Times, "I have learnt in these 4 days of padyatraying (sic), what I could not learn in 9 years of normal politics."
Rahul apparently got the inspiration for padyatras as a means of political mobilization during a cross-country hike in Switzerland. "It occurred tome then that I ought to walk through the country side rather than just sleepover in rural households to increase my learning. I have now found my niche in national politics as a padyatrist (sic)," said the Nehru-Gandhi scion.
The young Congress leader intends to undertake more padyatras over the next 2 years to increase his learning. On the anvil are the 5 day 240 Km Telangana padyatra to learn about people's demands for statehood for Telangana, the 4 day Tribal padyatra through Chattisgarh's forest tracts to connect with tribals, and a Nagaland padyatra because there are apparently some problems there too. Rahul will accordingly undergo rigorous training in Race-Walking under 2000 Olympics gold medalist, Wang Liping, so that he can cover greater distances by foot during these journeys.
National Geographic is keen to film these padyatras under a new series titled "Rahul's explorations of rural India" and has offered the Congress leader a contract. Rahul is keen to sign the contract but has been dissuaded by senior leaders since National Geographic is a wildlife channel and not a news and politics channel.
Meanwhile, Rahul's team will have to resolve more pressing issues from the recent padyatra . The team is attempting to reconstruct the key learnings after Rahul's aide, Kanishka, misplaced his notes at a dhaba . Also,Pasi Ram, one of the villagers who hosted Rahul, has demanded compensation for his bull, which seems to have gone bonkers ever since Rahul tried to milk it while assisting Pasi in householdchores.
Congress headquarters flooded with requests for more Rahul padyatras | The UnReal Times

 

[sasi]

It has come to UnReal News' notice that Rahul Gandhi has invited the royal couple, Kate and william, to honeymoon in Amethi. A gtalk conversation between the royal couple and our own yuvraaj has landed in the hands of UnReal News. We present snippets of that conversation here.
Rahul_yuvraaj1970: Hey Billy boy, whaddup my brotha from a different motha !
William: Er..hey Rahul, how are you?
Rahul_yuvraaj1970 : Rocking ! Hey needed 2 talk"¦ now that u'll soon bedone with ur big bash, what do u think abt celebrating ur honeymoon in the quaint and invigorating rural landscape of Amethi?
William : Hmm. What does it have to offer?
Rahul_yuvraaj1970 : u can do bed and breakfast in a quintessential Indian village household, next day v can go on a safari into the fields, then photo-op with women SHGs in the afternoon, in the evening v can have a townhall meeting and listen 2 people's problems, followed by a puppet show,hit the dance floor in the village main hall at nite"¦ will be fun, repeat cycle again
William : Okay, let me check with Kate and get back to you.
Rahul : coolio !!

Gangadevi will lease out her house to the royal couple for their first night
Apparently, Kate loved theidea and a comprehensive 5 day program has been chalked out for the royal couple.
The royal couple will spendthe first night in a quintessential village household setting remodeled as a bed and breakfast inn. Rahul himself will be spending thenight in a neighboring household as part of his normal duties of connectingwith the aam aadmi and empathizing with their problems.
After an early morning bedbreakfast, the couple will accompany Rahul and his entourage on a safari into the rural hinterlands to catch a glimpse of the dailyrural life. It seems Kate had certain concerns aboutthe safari which yuvraaj addressed in his own inimitable manner. Refer to the following Gtalk snippet
Kate: But is it safe to interact like this with the"¦ what was that.. "arm and aid me"?
Rahul_yuvraaj1970: aaaAAM aaaAADMI"¦
Kate: aaa.. aaa.. araam.. aid me..
Rahul_yuvraaj1970: Umm.. you could just call them mango people if that makes it easier for you. And yeah, its absolutely safe. The jeep would have protective bars and would follow a specific route. You could watch from a reasonable distance the aam aadmis going about their daily chores. They are usually gentle and do not respond unless provoked. Trust me, I've slept a few times in their dens.. I mean.. houses, andhad no problems whatsoever.
Kate lecturing women SHGs members on how to catch a'Prince Charming'
After a sumptuous meal at a road-side dhabha, the royal couple and Rahul will then interact with Women SHG members. Rahul will brief the couple about the steps taken by 'his Government' to bring people out of poverty through mico-credit financed self employment programs.
The couple will then be given some time off for an afternoon siesta before they reconvene for a Gram Sabha discussion where they will watch Rahullistening to people's problems. The evening will be rounded out by a puppet show that will showcase local folk traditions. Later in the evening, the couple will hit the dance floor with Rahul and his gang.

William and Rahul will hit the village dance floor in the evening
The royal couple is apparently extremely excited about celebrating their honeymoon in such an unconventional manner.
Congress Spokesman Singhvi said, "Who better than Rahul Gandhi, as the champion of the masses and a youth icon in his ownright, to showcase rural India to the royal couple. The move is also loaded with symbolism since Gandhiji said India's soul lay in her villages." When asked whether escorting aroyal couple for their honeymoon was an appropriate use of Rahul Gandhi's time and the needto showcase India in the first place to what will essentially be non State guests, Singhvi resorted "Shri Rahul Gandhi is modern India's prince and therefore it is only appropriate that he consort with British royalty. He is a non State actor himself so there is perfect equivalence".
Rahul Gandhi invites William-Kate to honeymoon in Amethi | The UnReal Times

 

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Digivijay Singh shared his unique perspective on recent political developments and his own political career in an exclusive interview with The Unreal Times. Excerpts from the interview presented below:
The Unreal Times : Diggyji, the masses seem upset with your Government for the barbaric attack on Baba Ramdev's supporters. The shoe throwing incident is asymptom of this fury"¦
Diggy [i nterrupting ]: The shoe throwing incident vindicates my stand that domestic saffron terrorism is a bigger danger to India than Pakistan sponsored terrorism.
The Unreal Times : Are you bracketing the shoe thrower with a Laskhar-e-Toeba Jihadi?
Diggy : Of Course, I would term him as a Saffron Lashkar-e-Shoeba terrorist. In fact, I have written to the Home Minister demanding Z class security for myself. I have one of the most dangerous jobs in the world – making mischievous statements to infuriate the majority community in the hope of winning a few minority votes. If an unknown guy like Janardhan Dwivedi caninvite such wrath, then I will need black commandos to protect my face from being slapped with a shoe.
The Unreal Times : Hmm"¦Did you have to kick the poor guy though after he had been intercepted?
Diggy : Heheh..That was a Pavlovian (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning)response on my part. You see, as a thoroughbred Congress politician, I have internalized giving and receiving kick-backs. I got a real kick out of kicking him man, reminded me of my school days.
The Unreal Times : What are your plans for the next few months?
Diggy : The high command wants me to train the Congress cadre in the art of 'bullshitting with a straight face'. You see, they are worried about performing badly in the 2014 elections because of all these scams. I told Madam that if every worker can be trained to BS like me, then our victory is assured. Madam was impressed with my plan and told me to go ahead.
The Unreal Times : Whydid you not take a positionin the cabinet since you are so close to the Gandhi family?
Diggy : You see, when theUPA 2 cabinet was being finalized, Madam said "Diggy, a person of your calibre is too good for the cabinet, Why don't you mentor Rahul Baba who is still a little green behind the ears and also head the "Making BS statementsto win a few brownie points" cell. ?" I said "Whatever your Majesty desires"
The Unreal Times : How is Rahul Baba's training coming along?
Diggy : His brainwashing is only 40% complete. Every night before he sleeps, I make him listen to tapes of my most famous quotes "Diggy Chacha ke Muhavare". After his training is complete, he willbe ready to take over from Manmohan Singh.
The Unreal Times : Diggyji, thanks for sharingyour views.
Diggy : Pleasure was mine.
“I am scared of being slapped with a shoe” Digvijay Singh’s exclusive interview to The Unreal Times | The UnReal Times

 

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A notional representation of Homo Digvijaynonsensisor Diggy
Noted Paleontologist, Dr. Rambaba Lamba, has reported the discovery of a new hominid species based on some skull and bone fragments found in the forest tracts of North Madhya Pradesh. This new species provides the missing link(Human Evolution and "Mysterious Origins of Man") between Homo Sapiens (modern humans) and their immediate ancestors, Homo Erectus, in the evolutionary chain.
The proud scientist has named this species as Homo Erectus Digvijaynonsensis or 'Diggy' for short. "I was trying to think of a suitable name for this species which is a link between apes and modern humans. Ithen heard Digvijay Singh's interview on a news channel and somehow it struck me that naming this species after the great Congress leader would be appropriate" said Dr. Lamba to The Unreal Times . The Paleontologist Association of India has subsequently released a revised chart of the evolutionary chain.
Missing link in human evolution discovered, named after Digvijay Singh | The UnReal Times

 

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Pranab da leads protesters from Rashtrapati Bhavan towards real power center, 10, Janpath | The UnReal Times

President Pranab Mukherjee stepped out of the palatial Rashtrapati Bhavan and waded past the barricades and lathi-charging policemen to engage with the wave of students agitating for action.
Carrying copies of the Constitution of India, Pranab da climbed on top of the bus at the epicentreof the raging protests and explained why he is merelya ceremonial head of state,a veritable rubber stamp and that real power rests with the Prime Minister andthe cabinet, once again displaying his knack for trouble shooting his way out of sticky situations.
Pacified, the protestors along with Pranab da headed towards 7, Race Course Road to gherao the Prime Minister with the President himself braving a few lathi-charges and tear-gas shells while leading from the front. Finally, after an hour long battle with the police outside the Prime Minister's residence, the first lady, Gursharan Kaur,came out and told the mob that the PM has been missing since morning.
Suddenly she screamed, "Hey look, he's right there, among you." Dr. Singh, who had been protesting with the rest throughout the day, sheepishly climbed on to a raised platform and told protestors that he was "even more of a rubber stamp than even Pranab da and perhaps it's best they take their battle to the real power centre, 10 Janpath" as he himself "felt as frustrated and powerless as the students".
Lead by Pranab da and Dr. Singh, the students have now congregated outside 10, Janpath, where they were greeted with another round of water cannons and tear gas. Looks like it's going to be a long night.
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(With cameraperson, Atul Baskarbe, this is Srinivasan Pain reporting from Raisina Hill for The Unreal Times )

 

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New Kapil Sibal idea: Flooding social networking sites with ads praising Sonia to counter abuse | The UnReal Times

This ad will become an ubiquitous feature in FB
The stand-off between Kapil Sibal and internet giants Google, FB, and Twitter ended amicably after the parties reached an agreement on how to address objectionable user generated content.
The breakthrough came about after Google executives suggested a far more efficacious solution to tackle the menace – that of placing Congress sponsored ads praising the Gandhis beside abusive content using Google's Ad-sense program. FB executives also offered to place ads praising Rahul Gandhi that would more than make up for disparaging comments or content uploaded by FB users. Finally, Twitter executives offered to sponsor trends such as#RahulGandhiRocks to counter invidious anti-Gandhi propaganda onTwitter.
Initially, Kapil Sibal was highly skeptical until the executives created a Facebook profile for him sothat he could experience the concept first hand. "Wow, this is cool man. So all we need to do is pay you guys and you will publish Congress approved content on your sites?" asked the TelecomMinister, the skepticism now replaced by a broad grin.

Promoted trends will counter vicious propaganda
"Of course, sir. Finally youseem to be getting the hang of social networking sites. If user generated content on these sites is not to your liking, you can always over-ride it with sponsored content from your side so that people do not get misled," said allthe executives in unison, after which they were let off with a pat on their backs.
Kapil Sibal has now convinced the Congress top-brass at a recently convened meeting to spend a humungous amount like just any other corporate house on Facebook, Google ads in addition to sponsored trends on Twitter that extol the virtues of the first family. There were a few moments of levity when the PM innocently queried, "All that is fine but where will we get the money for these ads?" sending assembled leadersinto uncontrollable fits of laughter.

 

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"What's the big deal, I've been powerless for 8 years," says PM on North India's power failure | The UnReal Times

PM weighs in on the loss ofpower
The PM has appealed to the millions of people in thestates of UP, Punjab, Haryana, and Delhi that were plunged into darkness due to the collapse of the northern grid to 'not get frustrated about being powerless andtake it in their stride.'
"I've not experienced any power for 8 years. So what's the big deal if people don't have power for a few hours? It is a symptom of coalition dharma and these things happen in a democracy," remarked Dr. Singh, while reviewing the situation. "Yeah, electricity was restored in 7, Race CourseRoad within a few minutes based on hydel power fromBhutan but let me assure you that 10, Janpath continues to remain the real power center of the country," he hastened to add.
The PM went on to reveal that he did not lose any sleep over the outage. "Shinde rang up at 4:30 AMto inform that we have no power. I told him to tell me something I didn't know and promptly disconnected to go back to sleep," disclosed Dr. Singh.
The PM's sentiments were also shared by Bihar CM, Nitish Kumar, although for slightly differing reasons. "Oh, only after logging on to Twitter I realized that there was a huge failure inthe northern grid and that many states had been without electricity for hours. You see, in Bihar this happens everyday, soI don't think Bihar was impacted as such although it also draws power from the Northern Grid. Er"¦am I supposed to get worked up over it?" asked Mr. Kumar, when informed about the incident.
Meanwhile, Power Minister Shushil Kumar Shinde highlighted positives from the incident. "For a few hours, we managed to achieve parity between Bharat and India. That is indeed a great achievement," he said.
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(Based on a tweet by BibekDebroy)https://twitter.com/bibekdebroy/status/229800260682260481

 

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Revealed: Dr. Singh uses cyborg version to attend Parliament, deal with pesky politicians | The UnReal Times

Dummy Singh X670 listens to Shushma's rant as the real Dr. Singh does growth modeling back in his chamber
Dr. Manmohan Singh has revealed the reasons behind his machine like persona – he deploys a life-like cyborg replica of himself for situations requiring interaction with pesky fellow human beings."It's beyond me to suffer those sanctimonious, grating harangues from the likes of Shushmaji in Parliament, yaar . And having to put up with Congress duffers is even worse. Dummy Singh relieves me of these chores," said Dr. Manmohan Singh, during a Sunday afternoon tete-a-tete with this correspondent at his 7 Race Course residence.
Dummy Singh refers to the X670 bespoke version, custom built to specifications by Sakakibara Kikai Inc, a leading Robotics company. Equipped with a memory of 950 quadrillion bits and computational power of 55Thz, Dummy has been programmed to stoically sitthrough Parliamentary sessions, and read out from prepared text. Sight of Madam or Rahul Baba prompts Dummy to do a smart Namaste .
"Dummy Singh attends Parliament, occasionally briefs journos, and of course participates in all the party meetings chairedby Madam where Dummy is simply expected to sit quietly in the corner. This gives me the time to do stuff that I really love suchas modeling GDP growth, catching up on articles from the Journal of Developmental Economics, and working with my pals at the Planning Commissionto come up with policy road-maps for sustaining 9% growth. Everyone's happy with this arrangement," revealed the real Dr. Singh, taking asip of fine Darjeeling Tea.
"In fact, I sometimes even depute Dummy to brief Madam for our one-on-ones. Dummy simply has to do a Namaste and reel out statistics on the Indian economy. Madam invariablyfeels stultified and ends the meeting," chuckled Dr. Singh, passing some cashews to this correspondent.
While this arrangement has worked smoothly so far, there are misgivings within party circles that perhaps the cyborg is too identical to the original. Dummy's lack of voice modulation and limited range of facial expressions certainly make it difficult to distinguish it from its master. So much so that it's now increasingly becoming a PR disaster, according to a party insider. The high command might now order some rework on Dummy Singh. "In hindsight, it ought to have not been so identical to Dr. Singh. So we have requested Sakakibara Kikai to put some more 'life' into Dummy. While they are at it, we have ordered a cyborg for Madam too since she wantsto spend more time out of India from now on. The folks at Sakakibara Kikai believe that making a Madam cyborg will be eveneasier since Madam emotesor speaks even lesser than Dr. Singh does," said the Congress leader.