Discussion in 'Members Corner' started by Daredevil, Apr 12, 2009.
Man On Bench - Video
This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life
God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked...
"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"
God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",
My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....
The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."
God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."
YouTube - Squadron Leader Alam of the Pakistan Air Farce
Why do they make a joke of themselves repeatedly. Pak is so spontaneous at this stuff.
One day you are passing through the roads in the dark night with your Motor Bike Speeding up and you spotted two headlights coming from opposite direction in roaring sound with gap in between them....
Encouraged and being confident you decided to go straight and to by pass them through between the gaps of the two Motor Bikes.....
And lying in the bed of hospitals you learned that they were not Motor Bikes but it was the Head Lights of a Heavy Truck.
The cold war between US and USSR resulted in a system where if USA launched a Nuke-loaded missile, USSR's satellite were capable of informing the USSR army in 3 seconds, and in less than 45 seconds USSR would launch its counter-missile. US knew that and therefore never attempted to launch one.
Pak army decides to launch a Nuke-missile towards India... They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly launch the missile.
Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, the Indian army detects it and decides to launch a missile in retaliation. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session after three days. When the LS meets, there are several walk-outs and severe protests by the opposition, so it is adjourned indefintely. However, the President asks for a quick decision.
The Pak missile, meanwhile, failed to take off due to unknown reasons. Their attempts for a launch are still on.
Meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because an outside party withdraws support. The President asks the PM to prove majority next week. The ruling party is unable to get a confidence vote, and a caretaker government is installed.
The acting PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch the Nuclear Missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker Government cannot take such a decision because elections are at the door and this decision will affect the swing of votes in the election. A public interest litigation (PIL) is filed in the supreme court of India, alleging misuse of power by the Election commission. Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says acting PM is authorized to take this decision.
In between all this, one of the Pak missiles successfully takes off, and falls 367 miles away from the target. The Missile falls on a government building at 11:00 AM. But since no employees have reached work, there are no casualties.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China. US condemns use of a nuclear missile by Pakistan, and offers to send its seventh fleet to the Indian Ocean. The Indian government, wary of the move, declines.
Finally, the Indian government decides to launch a nuclear missile, after convening an all party meeting. It's been three months since the army first sought permission. Pro-humanity, anti-nuclear activists come on board against the government's decision. Human chains are being made in New York, LA and Washington for peace. Indians are sending protest email requesting that it be "forwarded to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, missiles keep failing. At times they fail to take-off, at other times the payload gets detached from the missile during flight. Some missiles deviate from target due to high-speed winds blowing over Rajasthan, and have to be neutralized by Pakistan, as these missiles are now moving backwards towards Karachi.
Finally, a missile smuggled from USA is used. The Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, so it hits its original destination: Russia.
Russians successfully intercept the missile and in retaliation, launch a Nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hit the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. It asks for loans from IMF and the world bank. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of soap.
The War ends.
It should be in Jokes thread.
You imagine just like the pakistani's.....
Hope no Pakistani see's this.
I think I know at least some who have already done so!
Frankly, this should be the least of their worries as of now.
YouTube - The Onion: Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff In 11,680th Day
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andrew says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”
Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”
Good Luck Mr. Goorski - Neil Armstrong - Silly Joke
By guru on August 25th, 2008
When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski.
” For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by “Good luck Mr. Goorski.”
They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by “Good luck Mr. Goorski.
“Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor’s bedroom window, When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor’s wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, “ORAL SEX? I’LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”
Funny Videos: Monkey Kissing Prank
YouTube - Bananas - Funny Animation
Here is a good video of elite Saudi special forces training….
YouTube - Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last two years. He's recently married a local girl who can wash up with hand, cook with the other, dust with one foot while blowing him as she opens a beer with her arse.
She's a Swiss army wife.
It isn't a far cry from real Chinese propoganda.
Separate names with a comma.