Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Members Corner' started by Daredevil, Apr 12, 2009.

  1. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    On a transatlantic flight

    On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse. When one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane and screams "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it!! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then from the back of the plane in a baritone voice came a reply: "I can make you feel like a woman." The woman looked toward the back of the plane and saw the man who had answered stand up. Oh, my God. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with long, flowing blond hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt then whispers: "Iron this."
     
  2. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    Moral question

    I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama bin Laden who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below: Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
     
  3. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    This is pretty old man...
     
  4. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    How old am I?

    A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she shays to the sales clerk, "I hope you Don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?" About 32, was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes to a McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's really felling good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both hands down her panties and begins feeling around. After a couple of minutes of this activity she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That was amazing, how did you know?" the old man replies, "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds."
     
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  5. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    Johnny's Bike

    One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. Sorry about that -- ask me again some other time." A few days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father caught up to him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday when I was walking past your room, I heard you say that you were pulling out, and I heard mommy beg you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be DAMNed if *I'll* get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
     
  6. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    Lawyer mentality


    A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    ”Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!", said the cop.

    "OH, MY GOD!" Screamed the lawyer.

    "MY ROLEX!!!"
     
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  7. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

    The little boy asks, "Dark in here?"

    The man says, "Yes, it is."

    Boy - "I have a baseball."

    Man - "That's nice."

    Boy - "Want to buy it?"

    Man - "No, thanks."

    Boy - "My dad's outside."

    Man - "OK, how much?"

    Boy - "$50."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are again in the closet together.

    Boy - "Dark in here?"
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

    Boy - "$75"

    Man - "Sold."

    A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your glove and ball, let's go outside and play catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    Boy -"$125."

    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my closet now."
     
  8. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    THE IRISH PROSTITUTE


    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,

    her Father cursed her heavily.

    'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

    Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

    The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

    'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

    'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus� a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'


    'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
    Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
    'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!

    I thought ye said a Protestant.

    Come here and give yer old Dad a hug
     
  9. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    I was feeling depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline.

    Lifeline routed me to their call center in Pakistan.

    I told them I was feeling suicidal.

    They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
     
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  10. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    51 days

    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door busts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled, and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
     
  11. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
    their bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
    front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
    wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
    coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why
    are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
    first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
    remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
    sensitive.

    'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
    him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
    face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
    for 20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...











    'I would have been released today.'
     
  12. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
    Tit-Bits.

    And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
    Banana split.
     
  13. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
    Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
    Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.
     
  14. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    ^^^
    Lol !
    And the 51 days was good too..
     
  15. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    Santa: How's Ur Sex Life?
    Banta: As ususal great, Monday to Friday.
    Santa: What about the weekends?
    Banta: Weekends? Oh! that time I'm at home, relaxing with my wife.
     
  16. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

    'Is there a problem Officer?'

    The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

    The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

    'You don't have one?'

    The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

    The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

    'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

    The policeman says, 'Why not?'

    'I stole this car.'

    The officer says, 'Stole it?'

    The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

    At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

    'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

    The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

    The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

    The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

    'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

    'Murdered the owner?'

    The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

    The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

    The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

    The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

    The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

    The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

    The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
     
  17. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

    Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. < B>


    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
    Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

    The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t.
     
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  18. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of
    the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called
    one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a
    time.

    When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on

    Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.' God

    thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better

    send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

    So God called another angel and sent him to earth for

    a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God

    and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline;

    95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

    God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who

    were good because He wanted to encourage them, give

    them a little something to help them keep going.

    Do you know what the email said?

    No?



    Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
     
  19. Soham

    Soham DFI TEAM Senior Member

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    Lets see who can get this...



    A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
     
  20. Daredevil

    Daredevil On Vacation! Administrator

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    Urine Sample

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
     
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