Jokes Thread

Please post your text and graphical jokes here.

Three friends after exam.

Lucky: Yaar mujhey kuch nahi aata tha main paper khali chor aya hon.
Banta: Main bhi!
Santa: Shit yaar, teacher samjhe gi hum ne cheating ki hay.

Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?

Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true...

Got this one in a old bengali book, can't recall total:

Alex asked Sammy: Boy get sandwich for me from that restaurant, and bring one for you also.

Sammy got back chewing a sandwich, : " Hey Mister your balance''.

Alex: Where is mine?

Sammy: "There was only one in the shop."

How can we expect foreigners to understand the English language?


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England .

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?

He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 -
and plan on starting at 10 AM, every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why
don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two
hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that.'

1
Cockburn, Western Australia

Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word? Oh, how it burns.
2
Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland

The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Shitland Islands" by the locals. Oh the pride...
3
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapok-
aiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand

Locals call this hill in Hawke's Bay "Taumata" because... Well. Just because.
4
****, Ireland

They have a town called ****. Har har har.
5
Looneyville, Texas, United States

Little Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s. But who gives a ****. This is a hilarious name for a town in the state that brought us Dallas, the Bush Twins and Waco. How awkward must that be when you go to college? "Hey guys, my name's Johnny and I'm from Looneyville!"
6
Titty Hill, Sussex, England

Falling squarely into the extensive Stupid Place Names From England category, Titty Hill is probably located just north of...
7
Thong, Kent, England

Which actually is south-east of...
8
Gravesend, Kent, England

Oh, come on, England. Graves End? What a nasty, depressing little name. You could have at least gone all the way with this one and called it Corpse Feet.
9
Wetwang, Yorkshire... yep! England again!

Okay, so I'll cut England some slack. It's an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than freakin dirt. They can't be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I'm surprised they don't have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.
10
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

If I were mayor of Spread Eagle, I'd be making diplomatic advances towards the city leaders over in Wetwang to form a Sister-City relationship. Or maybe more of a Platonic-Friends-City relationship. After that, we'd just take thing slow and see what happened.
11
Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States

Well, I guess it's better than Hairy Knob. I assume England already has that one covered.
12
Cockup, Cumbria, England

Cumbria is a county in the very north-west of England. What the backwoods of Alabama are to America is what Cumbria is to Britain. They talk funny up there. Thus, it isn't thoroughly surprising that they have a town called Cockup. What do you call someone from this place? A Cockupper? Cockupeleite? Cockuppian? Cockupican? I suppose it's mildly better than Wetwangger.
13
Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States

As hard as America tries, it can't compete with Britain's high standards. This was a good effort, though. Well done, Washington.
14
Hookersville, West Virginia

Undoubtedly named before "hooker" meant "prostitute who picks men up on street corners," Hookersville combines two crimes of place-naming. One, a dirty sounding adjective (they couldn't have chosen "Pleasant"? "Sunny"? "Happy"?) And two, they added "ville" to the end of the town's name. Affixing "ville" to the end of a town's name is like dressing your silly little dog in a cardigan and letting him carry his leash around in his mouth. It just makes the poor animal look stupid.
15
Hell, Michigan, United States

The people in this town at least seem to have a good sense of humor about their home's unfortunate name. Although, I'm sure there's some midwestern idiots in Hell who get all offended and defensive when the town shows up on lists like this. I'm looking forward to reading their insightful emails and comments.
16
Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States

So that's what they do down in the big AR.
17
Middelfart, Denmark

I guess it's not so funny to them, but how do we know that "Seattle" doesn't mean "Big Fat Stinking Turd" in Danish? That's right, we don't. And it probably does.
18
Horneytown, North Carolina, United States

Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. I also assume that, like Hookersville, the naming of Horneytown took place before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of ass" with an extra "e". But I'm starting to wonder why, pride and tradition aside, the townspeople in these little places never saw it fit to change their homes' names? Do they enjoy being ridiculed by the entire English-speaking world?
19
Shitterton, Dorset, England

I wonder if they bleep out the first part of Shitterton's name if it's mentioned on the Disney Channel?
20
Disappointment, Kentucky, United States

Le sigh. Never mind. You live in a small town in Kentucky. At least it was appropriately named.
21
****ing, Austria

The idiots who live in ****ing, Austria had a vote in 2004 to determine whether or not they should change the town's name, and you know what they did? They voted against it, preferring instead to put up with international ridicule, numerous stolen road-signs and horrific Google results.


22
Last but not least: Whakapapa

Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh" sound is pronounced "f". Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.

Santa found the answer to the most difficult question ever: What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

Pappu: Dad, what is an idiot?
Santa: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Pappu: No.

Banta: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?
Preeto: I clean the toilet.
Banta: How does that help?
Preeto: I use ur toothbrush.

Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.

HA HA HE HE HO HO, please continue DD,

What a nice thread,:Laie_46:


Regards,


Pintu

From a old bengali one:


Standing in between busy traffic, a gentleman yelled at Traffic Sergent,: Sir, can you tell me how can I go to the Medical College ?

Busy Sergent answered: Stay where you are for 5 Minutes more, you will be automatically there.

Eleven Women On A Rope

There were eleven women hanging onto a rope that came down from a cliff. Ten of the women were blonde and one was a brunette. They realized that one person should let go of the rope, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would fall to their death. They couldn't decide who should let go. Finally the brunette said, "I'll make the sacrifice." She gave a very moving and touching speech, saying she would let go of the rope to spare her friends. The brunette finished her speech, let go of the rope and fell to her fate. All of the blondes started clapping.

Farting Your Guts Out

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them offbecause it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concernedthat one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I thinkI got most of them back in."