Jokes Thread

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China..

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God..

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone
with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to
See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
"One
Rupee per call."

The American was
surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?"

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The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local Call ".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.

KEEP SMILING

If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

IDLE worship,
IDOL worship

or

IDEAL worship ?

Glasgow Brothel - Moral Story




The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once
more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The
price was still


£5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there
yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh"

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Creation Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned
home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on
it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer! "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?" she said.

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
said: "That would suit me just fine"!

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye....!

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Jassem".... answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Jassem returned to school..

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

While I was making preparations for the rally the other day I took some time to pick up a talking dog (you can find anything in New York). So I took the dog into a bar with me and told the bartender, "If I prove to you that this dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender said, "Sure, I got nothing to lose."

So I said to the dog, "OK, Sport, what's that up over our heads?"

The dog said, "Roof!"

"Oh, come on," the bartender said. "All dogs go 'roof.'"

"No, wait," I said. Then I asked the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" said the dog.

The bartender just stared at me blankly.

"OK, just one more try," I said. And I said to the dog, "Who is the world's foremost imam?"

The dog said, "Rauf!"

At that the bartender growled, "Get out of here!" and threw us both out onto the street.

As soon as we were outside, the dog turned to me and asked, "Should I have said Qaradawi?"

on the eve of Ayodhya verdict.....

Just to lighten the mood .